I got work! But...

I got work! But... I suspect it is not for me! It is making designs for stubby holders and although I would get license to do anything, it is a little place so I won't get enough money.  I worked for 2 days this week and realised that I won't get paid for it lol.  Not that it worries me because I have wage insurance but I think you need to feel like you're benefiting them!

So it is back to the drawing board!   :(

While I'm waiting for one to land in my lap, I'm calling up an old book; its about time I tried to write again!!!  But first I'm going to go float! Followed by a session in salt!

Aggghhhh I want to go to work!

I've been house cleaning and gardening for 2 weeks; this is in anticipation of getting a job and being away from the house for a goodly whack of the day!  Of course I don't have a job yet and I'm only looking with one eye (and that is barely open!) but I've got several people that are helping me so I'm going to wait and see what pans out there...

I quite like what I've done outside; in the rain!  I bought an old dressing table for $5, and I've made it into a planter.  I also got rid of the gravel from that area and I've put soil and grass seeds down!  Of course I had to put the wire down...  Sharpie would dig it up if I didn't!

And as for the Squeeze...  He sat inside on the computer while I did all the back breaking work and then came inside to cook a roast lamb! lol

So I reckon I've about another week or so of cleaning up and beautifying! Then what..?

Spring cleaning in winter...

Well the spring cleaning continues; helped by the fact that unlike anywhere that it is actually spring, it's colder than a witches tit here at the moment!

This morning I got up at seven with the Squeeze. While he showered I made breakfast then I took Sharpie for a long walk through the cemetery (freezing my butt off).

I came home to the second day of cleaning frenzy...

I'll admit there is plenty to do around here. So far I've put a vertical herb garden in out the back and I've finished 2 rooms - and I mean completely finished with reorganising furniture etc and it looks good!

I still have the oven to clean... the fridge... but in a week or so; when I'm finished... I'll be ready for work again!

Well... Life goes on!

This was my first day without a job.  Okay; not nearly as bad as I thought!

I've been cleaning outside... And it is hard work!  I think it will take me the rest of the week to clean up/out anything out there; skipping the rain :)  Mind you, I created a vertical herb garden today!

Next week, I'll do inside (which isn't bad but all cupboards the fridge and the oven need cleaning!) so it will take time!

I think as long as I have a job by next month, I'll be okay!  And the house will be spotless!

Finishing on a high note...

Boy; this week is really doing it for me!  Not only did my lawyer tell me that I couldn't sue, it seems I got retrenched from my measly 3 hours a day job...  I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

I should cry. But I won't.
Adversity; I can work well with putting my life back together again.
I have had plenty of practice.

Time to get real...

I've been living a pipe dream...  Just a little bit of one.

My lawyer and everyone I've gone to see, has agreed with me; my brain damage was due to my being sent home too early and/or not being admitted or seen quickly when my daughter took me back.

Well that was until earlier this week when a neurosurgeon said that no one was to blame.  So in effect; after three years it is all over! 

It doesn't really matter because knowing how things work out, I thought something would fall out of the sky to crush that idea!  My life!  Frick.  What have you got to do to catch a break! lol

So... It is re-evaluate my life!!!

Sure would have been fun to jet set around!!

Wow. How easily depression begins!

Okay... I was a project manager.  Now; I don't know what I can be! 

Every job I've been for I talk myself in circles!  Stupid brain damage!  I can do it; I know I can! But how are you supposed to when the panel won't give you a job because you seem like a half wit!!!!

Stupid brain!!!

Moving... Slowly!

Today I'm writing only to avoid getting ready for work. I feel like shouting "hey! I'm 55 years old! I've worked enough!" but it wouldn't do any good. In reality, I wonder when are we going to stuff the world and introduce a zombie virus or something...

Crap... Work... Again!

I feel like crap.  I have a headache and everything is aching inside! WTF?  

I suspect my muscles are all screaming because I started salt therapy; but I'm not sure.  Mind you, they said things may get worse before they start feeling better (I think they worded it "fantastic!".  Oooo but I loved going in the salt pod! Relaxation!!!

The headache from Hell is a coffee thing.  I'm not drinking it because usually I sit and have a leisurely coffee in the morning on the way to work; but I've started intermittent fasting... Which means until 12 o'clock, I can't eat or drink anything (except water!) I'm not sure if it will work but I feel skinnier lol

The Squeeze and I cooked dinner last night. I cooked for last nights meal; he cooked for tonight.  What that means is we can go down the beach for a walk prior to sitting in front of the television to veg out; with the odd little break of Uncle Morty...   He is hard to take seriously...

Pork Belly... No!

I like to think I'm a pretty decent cook.  I've whipped up some downright delectable feasts at a moments notice!  Last night wasn't one of them :(

It was ANZAC Day here and so a holiday. We went off to Eastern Beach early to walk/swim.  Great way to start the day!  Now depending where you are, I don't think you realise just how cold it was here (although these pictures should tell you lol)

  

The Squeeze did a lap before he turned blue; I was walking, seeing that I'm relatively sane.  Once we did the walk/swim, we walked down and got coffee before walking back and going home.

I cooked breaky and we had a lively discussion what we would do; which amounted to nothing but a trip to Bunnings to get some plants and hanging baskets and then into the mall to do a little shopping.

I put Pork Belly on to slow cook and the smell was fabulous!

Trouble is, when I have pork now I cant help but think of a video a vegan friend sent me of pigs going to slaughter.  It was horrendous.  I'm sure I tasted their pain and fear in the few bites I had.

At the coast!

Well I have had my girls weekend...

I got up and cooked a big breakfast for the Squeeze's number two son and his new wife when they called in.  We had some laughs; funny... It seems like I have always been there. (Damned Harridan; I hope her arsehole festers!) So we ate and they took off.  After I got rid of the Squeeze, I could run around tidy and pack... 

So we get down there and it is barely the afternoon! We shopped, ate and drank the weekend away; lugging our purchases back to our unit was a hard slog!  Then we wen't out for dinner and staggered home late in the night. I don't remember the time.  I didn't have as much alcohol as I used to have, but I had more than usual...  In fact I felt downright seedy yesterday!

But we got up, runnered up and went for long a walk yesterday morning just as the sun was coming up and then we went out for breakfast before the drive home.  So we sat there, overlooking the ocean and the sun while we ate... wondering if we were going to keep it down or not lol

The view is gorgeous and there was hardly a soul on our walk...  I love that part about Australia.  Here we are at Lorne on the Great Ocean Road and there is hardly another person there.

 

I left my hat there (a brand new beanie I bought there with a pompom on top; $75!!) but I managed to track that down and their posting it back to me.  All in all, a great weekend!!

Girls Weekend

I have a girls weekend. I'm just waiting to be picked up. Oh what fun!!!! 

I'm leaving any crap behind me for the weekend.  Plenty of time to think on it Sunday when I get home!  Come to think of it, I don't have any crap!!   :)   Life is pretty damned perfect at the moment!

Eerie kind of day...

Wow... It's an creepy day out there.

We woke up early after the Squeezes stupid foghorn alarm went off on his phone, just as we were getting into it.  Sex was abandoned and we got up and started the day...  A fog horn! Bloody hell!  He has this penchant for setting the alarm for half an hour prior to getting up and starting the day.  I don't. My alarm goes off when I have to get up (and it's a normal buzzer sounding alarm!)

So I got out of bed and checked the window; yesterday it was wet so I left the blind open a tad and it remained sort of dry.  But outside was a blanket of white fog.  Beautiful.  I love it when its like this, so thick you could get lost; so I dressed in my walking clothes and thought Sharpie would love it.

 

The Squeeze made coffee while I got toast and jam in an old practiced way.  I'm not sure how, but he has been living here for about a week, and it feels like forever.  Not in a bad way, I mean we've lived together before; but I thought it would be way harder to get used to.

Last night we went to this gorgeous little French restaurant for dinner.  Our waiter was French (or really great at faking it so you tipped well!) and everything was brilliant right down to the dessert that we shared (chocolate mousse with orange praline).

We decided that we would make going out for dinner somewhere nice a monthly treat. Some place where you can get dressed up a bit and laugh about the day.  A bit of normality amongst the stupidly busy day!

It is Friday! Yay!  I've got my son and his girlfriend coming for dinner tonight. Then the Squeeze's son and daughter in law are coming for breaky tomorrow; and then I'm off to Lorne or Apollo Bay (I'm not sure which) with my sister and sister-in-law for a night of freedom!

It is wonderful.  That bitch lives in another town.  The kids are old enough not to have her barking her orders at the Squeeze incessantly. (Well when I asked if he had heard from her, he said No. He wouldn't outright lie; maybe through omission but not an outright lie!) Ah... No wonder the world feels great!!!

The amusing stuff…

Tonight is something I’m looking forward to…  No it isn’t a work thing, although we are having an after 5 which basically means that I’m working late and networking (chatting with all and sundry)  I haven’t been to one of them for months and months, mainly because the last few times that I went, instead of chatting, I stood there like a bump on a log.

Stupid me; here I am thinking ‘maybe now that my brain has improved…’  But then again, it probably won’t.  I don’t do well in the socializing arena.  I never have…  It is made worse with my brain damage but Hell; I never could find the right ‘something to say’ with a stranger.  So although I’m going, I plan on escaping as soon as humanly possible!

The fun part is after that.  I told the Squeeze to find a noodle house or somewhere that we can go for dinner afterwards.  In actual fact, I think I’ll find a restaurant.  And I’ve just broken my train of thought to go and find one.  Bistrot St Jeans; a beautiful little French restaurant that he has said he wanted to try a few weeks back.  It happens to be quite near where our After 5 is so this is it.

Usually when he leaves in the morning I’m wearing my dog walking clothes; which are getting bulky due to the cold! And when he gets home, I’ve put on something just about identical!  More for any other reason than I only work 3 hours a day so I try to get a couple of wears of an outfit. But tonight, I’ll be dressed for the After 5 so in effect, I’ll have a little black dress on!

No…  I don’t think I’ll get romance; other than he’s normal Uncle Morty has to slap your ass or the Nun scenario.  Sigh!

Day 2... We are still speaking...

Ok... It's day 2.  All is well.  Better than well actually.

We do what we want when we want. I watch something and if he doesn't like it, we go put something else on.  Last night I went to bed and watched Royals (trashy but funny!) and was out like a light five seconds after my head hit the pillow to sleep!  I'm not sure what time he came; don't care...  So long as we get to hold one another while we sleep.

My brother and sister-in-law are coming for dinner tonight as well as my son.  I've no idea if the Squeeze will be there. He said something about going to airport to farewell his son.  I said ok. I'm not sure you'll do it by the time he leaves but I'll keep dinner for you! And in reality, it is okay. We are doing our own thing... And that is good.

What's different this time? Well I'm not rubiks cubing; so I'd say that is a great benefit.  But then again, I haven't had to deal with the witch much...

I love this song; Mazzy Star...  Great background music.

Day 1 Down...

Well....  The Squeeze is all moved into my house; in garbage bags... WTF?  Doesn't he have a suitcase or a bag?  Oh well! Garbage bags it is.

This time, I'm going to relax.  I can too.  I know the last time it was argument city because of the cleaning but without the kid, well the kid's kid... It means I only have one kid to clean up after (the Squeeze is the oldest kid in humanity...) instead of a house full!  

So being chilled, is my motto these days.  It will be clean but I'm not excessive about it.  I haven't been since my brain got tossed round by the neurosurgeon's.  I have a dog, and it sheds hair like there is no tomorrow! But I let him inside; I clean it, but I'm not vacuuming every damn day!  And I'm not getting rid of him (I shudder to think of what the old me would have done if I'd been in a house with a shedding dog!)  I won't think about that...

It is nice having him here; although I'm not sure if I'll still feel this way in the 9.8 weeks to go lol But the reality is I'm going to ease into it.  He is going back to Melbourne for the weekend and I'm going to stay down the coast with my sister and sister-in-law. I'm actually looking forward to it!

This morning we got up at 7, I went out and walked the dog and left him to get ready for work.  I came home (tripping over the bags, but I'm not touching them...) and went and cleaned a couple of drawers for him.

We have always got along like a house on fire.  Any issues we had (I'm yet to see if we still have them) was his inability to man up and tell the Harridan to go to Hell. She must be livid wondering just how the hell she can get rid of me now; with the kids all grown up.  I daresay all she can do is the odd "If she's going, I'm not!!!" but we've discussed that and I'm not missing out again so if she won't go because I'm going... Looks like she won't be going.

I'm going to torture him some more about not letting me go to the wedding, but in actual fact, I don't give a hoot.  But it is fun.

It's sad really, that my neurosurgeon changed me from this, to relatively normal...

I'm going to rub your little ball sack...

Okay; the Squeeze in his attempt at romance, told me that he is going to "rub my little ball sack".  WTF? I'm still shaking my head!

I haven't seen him since Saturday arvo.  He went home for his sons wedding. The Harridan, bitch that she is, made sure I couldn't go.  From what I could gather, did a "if she goes, I'm not!"  Frankly, I'd have called her out on it just to see if she was really going to miss my wedding but kids, go figure, they are dumb arses.  "Everything she does is for the kids..." Yeah. We know.

I'll let her take this win.  It was pissing with rain with nearly hurricane winds; they were in a rotunda in a park. I was home, warm as toast with the heater on!

And as promised.... Here is mine!

And yes... It smells good too!

Sure hasn't got any cleaner...

I took these photos at the Squeeze's the other day; mainly because it never ceases to amaze me that someone can live in a house like this and think it is okay...  And I've noticed he has reverted; all the way back to piggery.  He has dropped all pretense of the old hygiene things I taught him and taken back the 'we'll probably all die of food poisoning or botulism!'   :)

I'm not sure why he is such a piglet in the house, it certainly isn't from his mother. Both his mother and his sister were/are clean!  Of course, the Harridan is an utter lazy squat pig.  I've never actually been in their house but I've seen photos taken of it when it was valued at some stage.  Some poor guy had to turn up and take photos of the house and it was a shocker. Things hanging off everything!

Here are some images of his new house.  Welcome to Squeeze-ville!!! (or is it Squeeze-vile.?)  And for the entertainment factor, I'll put some of mine up there too!

Young and beautiful...

Some background music...  I liked the Great Gatsby, as opposed to just a Lana Del Rey version...  And not just because it has Leonardo in there (although that was one of the reasons...) it has some dishy Aussie's in there to; Joel Edgerton for one!

But this song, Young and Beautiful...  Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful...  I guess we'll see.

It is so quiet...

I live in Geelong now after living for years in Melbourne, where the back ground noise of traffic and people is happening 24/7.  I'm still amazed by how quiet it is here.  This morning when I went to walk sharpie there wasn't a soul around. I was thankful when I finally saw a car on the main road.  When I first moved here, I was amazed by it.  It still disconcerts me.

I usually walk Sharpie, my dog, around the cemetery; on the weekends I take him to the beach but weekdays, the cemetery is the closest thing without cars. It is fascinating reading all the names of people that have been and gone.  Today, I saw Patrick Duffy... Not the actor.  He died in 1955; makes me wonder if anyone even thinks about him anymore.

Getting your sexy on...

Okay.  I've blogged repeatedly over the last eight years about how inept the Squeeze is at romance.  Now I'll show you exactly what I mean...

I turned up here yesterday after work, on a Friday night.  Bedlam; a three hour trip in the car the traffic was so bad; I had the dog swaying to the music in between shoving his head out of the window and grinning at the world.

I got here, not a kiss hello in sight, nada.  We move off straight away to the shopping centre where we go to JB HI-FI  (there isn't a trip to the shopping centre without going to JB HI-FI) where I buy a groovy record (Gary Clark - Live; and I'm going back today to get Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds triple album) and he buys nothing.

Then it is off to the movies to see The Quiet Place (scare factor is about a 7) more suspenseful but a good premises... And out for pizza so it is nine o'clock before we get home, throw off our clothes and get into bed and watch a little bit of Jessica Jones.

All of a sudden it is about eleven pm, and we turn out the lights and flick the television off and the Squeeze leans over and pulls me close and wraps his arms around me.  I relax into him; I have always felt safe there in his arms. Then in the dark, his baritone voice mutters in my ear "uncle Morty knows you've been a bad girl..."

WTF?  Uncle Morty can rotate!!.

Year of Change

lol oh God.  Lucky I have a sense of humour!!! In September 2014 I was praying for a year of change...   Getting brain damage, moving to Geelong and being out of work wasn't exactly the change I was thinking of!!!  Mind you, I'm not so sure I would change any of it....

This is what I wrote:

I spent most of last year walking around muttering ‘2014 will be the year of change!’

Dad dying and me being single again were not exactly the changes I was thinking of, however; life tosses stuff at you and its deal or no deal.

The only way to cope with ugly stuff is to look at the positives.  Positives in my Dad dying aren’t exactly lying thick on the ground but I am focusing on the fact that I was lucky enough to get a brilliant Dad; and he was a brilliant Dad to me for fifty one years.   If it was a lottery; I won first prize. 

Re being single…  I’m not even thinking about dating again for a while.  There needs to be some sort of ‘repair phase’ before I go down that path.  I’m in no hurry.  Instead, I’m concentrating on changing back to the person I was prior to fitting into the Squeeze’s life. I liked that person. I didn't like the person I was when I was forced to deal with the toad - and I was always wrong; it made me feel like a liar.

This week, it has been well after 9 pm before the television was even turned on.  That is the biggest thing I missed while in a relationship; that blessed silence or music crashing over you as you unwind from work and just cook.

I still have a fair amount to do to finish off the house and some of that will require utes and manly tools but let’s face it, I was always the manly tool person anyhow!  

A Dilettante

I love that word.  I first heard it in a movie; Gene Hackman shouted it at someone when his side was losing a court case to gun control. “He’s a dilettante! Nothing more!”   I think the movie was Run Away Jury.  Bloody brilliant movie actually; but there I go; off on a tangent…

The Squeeze, God bless his little atrophied heart, is an emotional dilettante.  He is an amateur; an apprentice.

You’d think after writing me that beautiful card where he called a spade a spade, sent me the roses… He would have magically become Mr. Romance almost overnight.  Not so.  Not even close.

I didn’t pin my hopes on it since he is inept at all things romantic. But just once; just for one second… I'd like him to be… I’d like him to think of me and shoot of an email for no reason.  Buy something totally frivolous!  BE Mr. Romantic!! 

But I won’t hold my breath…

Life... It sucks.

Surely I'm not the only one who thinks life sucks..?  You work forever, barely scrape by and for what? Just to die?

I'm thinking a lot about it lately. Probably because in discussions with others I'm left thinking WTF..?  For example, my Mum has scoliosis.  Kind of like King Richard the III but she isn't a hook leaning over to the front... Instead she is like a corkscrew so leans to the side.  The pain is an awful thing to watch.  She is 81 but even being in constant pain she is clinging to life with both hands.  And she is only one of them!

I sort of think winding down and getting bloody tired of all the hell-a-baloo is what we should do.  You don't get to retire at 65 anymore, basically you have to work until you're dead anyhow!

Easter. Done and Dusted.

If I look back over my life, it is with utter clarity that I see every Easter, when I wasn't with my brothers and sisters; we at least called or texted to say have a fabulous Easter! 
This year, we didn't.

I have to admit, I'm as guilty as the next person.  My life seemed to busy at the time. I had my daughter and her dog there.  The Moodle.   My son came with his 'Soon to be Bride' and the three kids (and I am lucky enough to love them to bits...)  My other son came with his new girlfriend (and I'm lucky enough to like her and I think we'll get on just fine!) and so we did a large roast lamb and pork with all the trimmings and sat about drinking champagne and eating until we couldn't move.  Of course after the meal and champagne, we waited an hour for dessert but it still wasn't long enough. It made me feel sick, although I still crammed it in.

After lunch (when we were still bemoaning our stomachs) my son, his wife-to-be and the kids left to drive to her father's place for an equally yummy meal and more feeling sick. Thank God I didn't have to do anything like that!

So left with the Moodle, my son and his girlfriend and the girl (and dogs) it was still a full house where we sat about and watched something on the television although I couldn't say what it was. I was coming in and out from cleanup outside...

Next year, I plan to do the same thing.  Although it was exhausting it was fabulous.
All my kids under the one roof. No fighting. Just a heap of laughter.

It's Good Friday here...

I'm not feeling very Good Friday-ish.  I think religion has taken a huge dive, so why the hell would I not eat meat..?

My daughter her dog (and my dog!!!) are coming today.  We'll slack about a bit, take the dogs for a walk down the coast and come home to pizza :)

It will be good to see her as I haven't for weeks!  :)

Here is a song...  It was so unbelievably bad...

Happy Easter!

Easter! It is nearly here!

Well I'm running late for work; stupid really!  But feeling as though I'm only going to blog a few lines before showering and washing my hair!

It is nearly Easter. I'm going to relax! Sigh!!!

Strangely I love this song; and I like the way they sing it as opposed to Simon and Garfunkle...  Who I saw when I was young and they did a great job of this song! But...

Ouch. I hurt!

My knee is on the improve but everything else aches!  I've been going to a hypnotherapist... I'll try anything to get back to where I once was (but not what I once was!).  I hope she is working. I feel like it is... 

So far I've tried hypnotherapy... Oxygen therapy with a hyperbaric chamber...  What else?  Although I figure the hypnotist is working.  Not that she gets a watch and says "you are getting sleepy!"

The Past....

I loved this song.  Of course I loved it back in the day with Nancy Sinatra and Lee Hazlewood and that orange album where Nancy looks so damned cool but Lee looks like a Mexican decedent. 

I'm probably not really old enough to remember it and I wouldn't if not for my Mother, who was a prolific music listener and who, without realising it; made at least three of her kids music lovers...

I loved the Nancy and Lee rendition of it, but I love this just as much. Lana Del Rey...  I'll admit I'm hooked on her lately.

Yesterday...

Okay; yesterday I wagged work because I felt like crap.  I rested my stupid knee in between doing a quick clean and watched television; okay, I overdosed on television...  I've been watching this show called Seven Seconds, which is kind of addictive.

Anyway, here is a song so you can listen to it...  It has absolutely nothing to do with my blog I just like it. I bought the album  this week; vinyl.  The Wallflowers; he is Bob Dylan's kid (who is now pushing 50 so I'm not sure why I still call him a kid lol)

Enjoy!

Ewww I feel sick...

I'm home sick today. I just feel like crap!  Don't know what is wrong with me but I've got a dicky leg and I'm limping (some kind of muscle or knee thing) and I woke up feeling as though I hadn't slept; in fact I'd been dragged through a couple of rose bushes!

Don't remember what that's like; to not sleep!  And I did; like the dead!

So I may as well mosey around the house doing a leisurely pack for tomorrow and a clean up (in between bouts of sleep!) because I'm going to bed damned early I think!

I'm working more than usual at the moment but I don't think it is that... I'm tired from it but I usually feel pretty good!

Ventriloquism....

The Squeeze got down here today.  Better late than never I suppose!

I questioned him about the Harridan and we agreed that I didn't have to go to the wedding (read I wouldn't be caught dead where I'm not wanted!) so it becomes a non issue.

The real issue is she will try this at every turn, I know how she operates.  The martyr.  The "see what I go through..."  Stupid cow doesn't realise that it would be a cold day in Hell before I wouldn't go to my sons wedding! I couldn't care less if Satan was to be there!  I'd ignore him!  So I figure her threats were empty; if not, well she truly is a selfish bitch.

So after we discussed this, the Squeeze sat on my knee for a bit of game playing... But I couldn't get into it like usual.  It had nothing to do with our discussions re the Harridan...  With him sitting there on my knee, I felt like a ventriloquist! And he; he was the dummy.

Are these people stupid??

I'm at work. I've been at work all week; well except for Monday because it was public holiday here...

On Tuesday, we had a fire alarm.  Actually, we didn't. We had some chick run up and down our floor say 'evacuation! This isn't a drill!!!'  So we all (being me, because I was the only one in the office at that time) trudged down the stairs to go stand on the street for half an hour.

Fire engines arrived and they did their thing; making sure we weren't going to burn alive if we went back in.  Frankly, I feel like I should be drooling here but they're not television fireman, these guys are real; not to mention the fact that you really can't see them with their hulking fire fighting clothing and masks!

Suffice to say, there wasn't a real fire.

WTF? Some idiot on some other floor burnt toast or something! It must be maddening for bosses. They loose a good half an hour of productivity!  In fact, it was closer to an hour on Tuesday.

So imagine my surprise when sitting here at 1 pm on Friday, the alarms go off!  Same frigging thing! I think I'd ban toast making!!!!

Life is strange...

I, with millions of others, used to watch Seinfeld religiously on television.  Of course that was before the days of the internet where you could download any damned show you wanted, get netflicks or whatever your little heart desired; so the choices we had were not huge. In fact they were downright slim!

I guess you’re wondering why I am bring it up; so do I.  But there is a point. 

Interestingly, I love George.  Short, fat…  Rude.  His snarly and shouting and lazy. Snivelling!  Hardly a sex symbol; Hell, he isn’t even remotely likeable!  Why then do I love him? I can only shake my head in wonder and thank God it is a distant thing; an unattainable love. He lives in another country and probably has a wife and buckets of money so in other words, out of my sphere.

But what is amazing to me, is that I went out and got my very own George.  The Squeeze, and I never realised it until this moment, is exactly like him. A replica!

He’s short; getting shorter because he is getting older and his bones are compressing.  His a little heavy, but in a barrel way with two ultra slim legs hanging off him.  (His tummy is too big to see them) And he is just like him in manner!  I can even hear him say some of the things George would say.

The Squeeze has a basic ineptness for anything romantic or emotional.   This could be amusing and at off times cute – when you know and understand how he works and by his actions, you know that although he has a retarded “show emotion” gene, he actually does have them floating somewhere inside that minuscule atrophied thing in his chest most people call a heart.   (if the Squeeze is reading this, think of cuddly puppies! That is how I see you! Cuddly! Puppy!)

But the funny thing is we each see him differently. 

I look at him and see Pic B. 

He envisions Pic A. 

I suppose he is both, so we are both right.

Thinking about it...

Boy my roller coaster of emotions are sucking.  It is like the old me is back!

I've been unable to sleep for the last couple of weeks, getting about 6 hours.  It seems, gone is the fantastic life of 10-12 hours of absolute deep sleep!  Then there is the emotions!  I keep arguing with myself!

Yesterday, when we got back from the music festival, I was so buggered that I went to bed.  Got back at 1 pm to a clean house, all I did was empty my case and put my washing on and then staggered to bed!  I was still awake at 11 pm. I wanted to kill my brain but thoughts went around and around!

So the Squeeze...
I think in reality, that I don't want to go anymore than the Harridan wants me there.  Admittedly for differing reasons.  She will be manipulating again, but stuff it.  I just don't care.

So I have my answer. I won't go and stuff the one upmanship. The Squeeze can rest easy on that score. But having said that, I won't be put in a box again. I mean either I'm going to be in a relationship with him and be a part of his life; or I'm not. 

Interesting! Hypnosis!

I went to hypnosis today. Wow.  I'm yet to get my head around it and probably will tonight while in bed...  But basically, she said my life has been up and down for so long I'm spurting adrenaline!  Funny, because I don't feel stressed - but my shoulders are drum tight because they are stuck in fight or flight mode.  It will be fabulous if she can address that!!!

We spoke briefly about the Squeeze, the Harridan and the wedding...
She basically said he should be sticking up for me so saying "she's coming!"
She laughed when I said that he had said she wouldn't go if I went...  Ridiculous!  Which is basically how I felt.  That he isn't, that he is letting her take control (again) doesn't bode well for moi!

How do I beat this bitch..?

The world seems undecided…  Uncertain if me going back to the Squeeze was the right move.

Yes; the card he sent me was romantic; whimsical in just the right way! He had written everything I’d want him to, and said everything I would expect someone to say if they want to win my heart!  But at the end of the day, he is a writer.  He can wax lyrical and then be still my beating heart!  

But actions speak louder than words, don’t they? And I haven’t really seen any evidence other than the bunch of flowers that were delivered on Valentine’s Day (another great ploy!)

I haven’t got the whole story yet…  I had felt it was coming for a day or so; but talking on the phone didn’t let me question him re the Harridan and her penchant for the melodramatic.  I mean let’s face it; not a snowball’s chance in Hell I’d miss my kid’s wedding.  But she dropped a hanky after mopping the bucket of tears and so at the first bit of opposition and he moodles back to his moodling ways.  And moodling; it’s an ugly trait.

Alright. She doesn’t like me.  (devastated here...) I don’t need her to like me. I have no interest in being besties or lesbian gal pals.  And I couldn’t stand the way she knows everything; all of the time!!! So let’s get this straight.  I want her old husband; that’s it.  

No amount of swearing, tears and carrying on; threatening not to go to the wedding should change anyone’s mind.  She brings up the one email I sent her (I can’t even remember it…) but she has it; probably learnt it off by heart! Ranting and raving about it.  Boy, she ought to have the 10000 emails I have; texts that she’s sent that I thought were so outlandish, I put them up on this site!  If I were the kid, I’d think “stuff you! Don’t come then!” But no… They all roll over and pander to her.  And she’s walks out of the door and laughs to herself about how easy it was to get rid of me.  As if anything would keep her from being front and centre at the wedding….

And because I had forgotten what an utter psychotic unrelenting bitch she was,  I realise that it will be never ending.   Again.  She will have her pound of flesh; getting maximum benefit from the trouble she weaves.

My brother didn’t go to half of his kids 21^st.  Why?  Because quite simply, his current wife wasn’t invited; only he was.  I mean all this from a woman who shagged a school teacher, left my brother and followed him to Tassie (at which point he ran; shagging is one thing… A woman with 7 kids in tow quite another) My brother, when he finally got over it, married a great chick; but in the years after, it was take the money but give not a whit of care. Be nasty in every dealing with him. In fact she sat in her car out the front of their house when they got married; weird… It’s almost serial killer trait!  I just realised! She reminds me of the Hariden!

But I regress…

Now I’m having a hard time.

I’m weighing the “I don’t need to go” against “what will she think she has control of next!”

I'm stuffed!

Just got back from the three days at the Port Fairy Music Festival...
I'm stuffed and going to bed for a while!

What a fantastic gig!
Next year, my son and his gal are coming too!

It's Here!!!

The long weekend!

Yipeee!

Yay! Long weekend!

Well I'm off to the Port Fairy Music Festival when I finish work at about 2.30 today!  Believe it or not, I've never been. How the Hell does one get to my age and not go..?  I'll admit, I quite like the sound of moseying from tent to tent and seeing different acts; it will be great fun; which kind of leaves me dumb founded to think I've never been.

Last night I tossed and turned over the Squeeze.  Should I stay in a relationship where I'm never put first..? To be honest, about 2 am this morning I was thinking 'probably not'.  But this morning I feel much brighter.  He may not of course, but I'm not responsible for others feel.

The reality is that if my family thought of him as his family thought of me, I'd have a hard time too.  Its hard to know when you put your partner first; and when you put your kids first.  I figure a wedding is when you put your kids first.  Of course it would be nice to come first; even once...

Glad I'm brain damaged....

Every so often, I have to sit back and think 'God! I'm glad I've got brain damage!'

And I really do.  I know the old me.  She would have been screaming and hollering!  Like a banshee! I'd be walking around the house furious; kicking the dog! (which I wouldn't, simply because my brain damage allowed me to get, and love, Sharpie!!)  And to do it all, even recognising that it would be utterly pointless.

Now, I find that I'm hurt, but I'm okay. In fact, it was probably expected; knowing what I know.  And the reality is, I remember my life as much as anyone does.  I just struggle to speak about it; but it is all still there. I remember what an utter, freaking, psychotic bitch she was.

So it seems as though the Harridan won't allow me to go to their son's wedding.  How do I feel..?  Well the Squeeze hurt me; not once, but twice.  But my family after the first night, said "are you certain" to which I replied that I was. Hell, it may be an awful mistake, but I have to try.  And ever since, he is one of the family again.  My kids; my larger family accept him without issue. Even the sister who whenever I have mentioned his name in the last three years, says "...he couldn't even come to Dad's funeral..." has stopped.

And his family...  Well Kid (3) is civil to me but that is about it; no to going to the wedding. (Civil, huh!?  This is the kid that picked his nose and wiped it on my wall with a "take that bitch..)  Kid (1) I haven't seen so I don't know how he is; but I always liked him.  Kid (2) I liked; but after hearing his mother scream about me (abusively) said she wouldn't go if I was going; decided that I shouldn't come.

Frankly, I'd test the theory, because I'd be buggered if anyone would keep me from going to my child's wedding! But there is no point in saying all that; we are only a couple of weeks I suppose.  Who cares if it has been 15-20 years in the making. 

Just once, I'd love the Squeeze to say to the kids:
"You never put me first. I'm bringing her!!"

I guess the reality is, it doesn't bode well for me...

Crap. Work. Again.

I have to go to work again. I was just about to write I don't know why; but I do. I like to eat... Drink... Do stuff!

My hours have increased at work; I'm now doing a 5 hour day with a half hour lunch break. Hmm this throws my day out. Lunch has become relevant now; and more than my vita wheat. I don't mind the work really, especially when I get left alone to sit and design stuff; but the answering of the phone still occurs when it rings. I decided that I may as well answer; it keeps my brain expanding and truth tell, I was never great at it...

Yesterday I went for a job. It was for a community engagement officer with a health service.  Yes; me... out there... talking!

Well suffice to say I don't think I got it and when push comes to shove, I'm glad!!!

Sharpie :(

I miss my dog!  The Squeeze took him home for the next two weeks while I go to the Port Fairy Blues Festival; and he'll look after him! It's just that it is kind of lonely here without him. Well it starting to get that way; but it sure is clean!

Gahhh I'm buggered!

The Squeeze came down on Friday so we watched movies and I cooked dinner.  It was a normal evening, which I like. I don't think I'd go out if I could avoid it... But you have to do stuff; like go to work...

Yesterday was a whole other kettle of fish.

Friday night my brother text me to ask if we wanted to go see Robbie Williams for 200 bucks.  He had a client that couldn't go so he took his ridiculously priced tickets and let us have theirs. I did want to see him, but hell, I wasn't paying 400-500 dollars. I would if it was Ryan Adams or Cold Play; but not Robbie.

So our day started off busy and continued right down to the end like it.  We took Sharpie for a walk at Bancoora Beach.  He loves it, running around like a mad thing. Then we took him home and took my car in to have new tyres fitted; going out for breakfast while the had their heads under the car.  We came home showered and got changed and off we went to pick up my sister and her husband.  

I had decided before I was going to go to Robbie that I would drop them all down there to see him, come home and make a late dinner before picking them up.  So I drove them about ten minutes away and dumped one lot and then went back for my brother and his wife.

We got down there and my sister had picked a great spot on the lawn and set up chairs, which was great.  The acts were brilliant.  Robbie was superb. But that was when it all started... My God. What a bloody disaster!  When it came time to come home.  1.5 hours later... We got there!  Jesus... If I had to hear my sister in law say "this ruins it!!!" or my brother in law say "Jules phone is just over here!" I'd have lost my head!!!!!  (she had lost her phone hiking through the paddocks trying to get to where we could pick them up easily - and he was tracking it...)

God; they were funny but I realised what the Squeeze goes through with a bunch of drunk people and him sober... 

Sheez I just realised...

I've been blogging for 8 years!!!!

And these are the days of our lives...

Ok.  Wednesday. Hump Day.  It feels as if the weekend will never arrive. I'm not sure what's wrong with me but I feel like I've worked enough!  And how come we are supposed to work until we are 70?  I can't get a real job now at 55, so who is going to give a job to a 70 year old!!

I've been tired all week (it helped not drinking last night...) but Hell, I'm exhausted at 55! Who the Hell can work until they are 70???

Yesterday after work, I had to pick the car up after a service.  Today, it's take Sharpie in for his immunisations and pick up pants for the squeeze.  Tomorrow I've got the dentist.  Friday the hairdresser.  And Saturday morning I'm getting new tyres!

Bring back the good old days I say.  Gone with the Wind style (except the war...) where Scarlett sat surrounded by men at a bbq!

Tired!! I'm going home!

Boy, I am exhausted today!  There is no escaping the reality that alcohol makes me tired...  I've been not drinking much lately and so on the nights I do drink, the next day I just want to crawl into a hole. I drank Saturday night and on Sunday I was fine, but after driving home I was stuffed. I didn't drink Sunday and I was alright.  Last night, I had a friend over and so I was drinking. Today I'm bloody tired!

I'm going to have to seriously not drink except Friday and Saturday night. Oh, and Wednesday when my brother and his wife and my son come for dinner! Not only does it make me tired, I'm basically incoherent when I try to speak. Articulation? What articulation! I keep silent because it so disjointed it hurts my ears listening to it.  Funny, I don't think like that...

At the rate I'm going I'll end up like the Squeeze, a teetotaler! Funny thing about it is Squeeze 1 & 2 are both non drinkers!!

Havana... My heart...

I quite like this song by Camila Cabello. Havana.  There is no big story here; I wish their was. I've never been to Havana or anywhere in Cuba but I wouldn't mind!  :)

The weekend went well... I zoomed off to Melbourne and back home again.  I wanted to sleep like a baby last night but I struggled; I'm not sure why.  I'm tossing and turning lately which I don't understand. I've been in the sleep of the dead for the last 3 years maybe I'm just coming out of it.  It is that or something buried deep is keeping me up, a warning or I'm worried about something.

But the weekend...  We did a lot of talking. 

So I am not thinking that he will just say "nah... sorry..." this time.  That isn't to say that he doesn't want to say it (and regularly) that means he'll fight it. 

Last week I wrote him a lengthy email in reply to his card. He'd poured his heart out and all I had said was "you F*cking bastard!!"   Which I figure didn't really fit with how I felt.  So I write him a long email and I get a reply: "one day at a time".  A five freaking word reply.

So that, and dog chasing (I'm looking for a little dog to keep Sharpie company while I'm at work!) was my weekend.  Every dog was too big :( so I'm going to have to keep looking!

Off we go... Weeeeee!

I'm off to Melbourne this morning.  For our one day a week catch up lol  I don't mind the drive but it would be easier to spend a couple of days instead of driving up there one day, and back the next.  He lives on the other side of Melbourne, so it like a 2 hour drive (that is if a butterfly doesn't flap its wings and everyone on the freeway doesn't slow down to look at it!) and the return trip the next day.

I'm not sure how this will work.  Squeeze II used be here every second and I wanted to scream: "I need time on my own; I've been single for a lot of years!"  Squeeze I; I don't see enough... I wonder if and when I'll ever be happy and get this mix right...

We have nothing really planned for today. I went through the Mexican cookbook which I'll take with me; so maybe do a little shopping to cook and play some music.  Maybe go to the market...

Claire (my daughter's best friend) is down for the weekend for her birthday. She's having a gig in Carlton so we may go and appear 'down with the kids' for a moment...  But that is it!

I'm going crazy...

I must be going crazy; my blog hasn't been working for the last few days... Stupid damned thing! But it is back! So...

We'll go backwards.

Let me say how grateful I am that its Friday!  Knock off time!!! Yay! I've been grocery shopping and now I'm home with a glass of red in my hand (and it is only 4 pm)!

I've looked about the house and it it looks surprisingly clean! Of course I'll have to vacuum up the never ending dog hair but that is a stock standard move at least every second day.  I could make up the oven cleaner that someone posted on facebook; or the foot treatment (same thing!) and then get the Mexican cookbook I bought the other week and go through it in anticipation of tomorrow; (sounds like the foot treatment in winning)

Then I'll cook dinner, watch television and go to bed.  lol Ooooooo sounds like a dream!  And there isn't a spec of sarcasm in that!

Yesterday, the old Squeeze, (how confusing; I may start calling them Squeeze 1 and Squeeze 2!) anyway, he went for a job down here which he thought he did alright. I guess it is anyone's guess. Part of me wants him to get it, at which point I'll know where we are and where we are going, assuming he doesn't be a gutless coward like usual... and dump me.  And part of me wouldn't mind if he doesn't get it.  I'm letting fate take me where it will!  But seeing each other one night a week is going to get real tired, real fast.

So he went for the interview, and then went to my house to wait my return.  I walked in to find him sitting in the lounge on his computer, buck naked...

It is one of the things I love about him.  His ability to do the unexpected...

This isn't him;  lol

There is no Hippo at my place and he has hair...

Okay... Going softly gently...

Alright.  I made my choice.  I'm going to go back to the old Squeeze; the one I started this blog for.  But... We got along great ever since I first met him about twenty years ago, which is probably why we were still best friends. It was the other bits where we didn't; his kid and ex-wife and my non relenting Rubik's Cubing of it all.

So what makes me think it will work this time..?

I don't know for sure.  He could change his mind; and I'm ready for it...  And not in a ugly way either, I'm just aware that it could all be for nothing.  I'd have told the new squeeze and said goodbye for nothing. My heart would be a little harder from being trampled on so many times.

But I don't think so...

His kids are grown, and that was a major issue; made worse by the reality that I didn't handle it as I should have.  Okay, I missed the opportunity to be friends with him but I can try it now he is grown up.  The two older kids, I managed quite well with them.

The Harridan.  I just have to learn that she WILL try to step in and fuck things up again. I don't know why because she sure doesn't want him, but in reality I don't think she will phase me that much. She can't really do anything; she has no more kids to throw at me :)

The best thing about suffering from Brain Damage (lol which sounds bloody hilarious); is the fact that instead of wildly swinging on an emotional roller coaster, now I'm even.  I haven't got anything to cry about and haven't had for years.  I don't get angry or feel angry anymore;  yet I used to feel it as a white hot needle in the eye!

He is going for a job in Geelong this week and if he gets it, we move into living together in a month or two. If he doesn't, we move into dating.  I'm ok with either of those scenarios but I guess if he gets the job, we start knuckling down and saving some money.  We have a very small window of opportunity to save...  It is nearly over now so I'd like to get on with the rest of my life!

Sleepless in St Leonard's.....

The alarm just went off.  It's 7.30 am.  Of course I set it to get up on a Saturday because I have to go to Melbourne; but then I've been up since 6 in St Leonards, grabbed Sharpie (the dog) and come home and fluffed around.  And getting up at 6 was the easy part.  Lying there awake since 4 am wasn't quite so much fun...

Why the sleeplessness? Well because I sleep like the dead for about 9 hours a night (which is better than the 10 hours per night I did the year before and the 11 hours the year before that and the 12 hours a night of drop dead sleep when my brain happened).  Because I find I'm having a dilemma...

It's great that there is a problem causing my sleepless nights; I don't think I cared enough about anything to cause myself sleeplessness so this year, sleeplessness through dilemma is as good as my first dream in 3 years!  Of course, not unlike the dream where I awoke and thought why couldn't I have dreamed of vampires or perhaps myself on holidays in Florence or... I dreamed about a muffin toasting (what can I say, I was dieting...)  but sleeplessness through something good never happens.

I've got to choose; that was what the tossing and turning was about. But there is a part of me that thinks I should be playing this song when I get to Melbourne... lol

Life is about to get busy....

I'm going to this 'toastmasters' public speaking thing and I have a mentoring session with someone from an agency to learn how to make interviews go well for me.

Will they work?  I have no idea but I've tried everything and none of it has.  Hyperbaric did appear to work and then it made me sick.  I thought it was oxygen!!  The salt baths; we'll see.  Having said that, it is 3 years since my operation. When I came around I spoke in tongues and couldn't remember a thing!!  So I guess it is improving; but I don't have time to wait it out! I want a job. I want a good job like I used to have!

It seems to be my thought process; well getting information from my brain to my mouth.  I never used to have a problem articulating what I wanted to say before this stupid brain damaged, but now, it comes out weird. I can't remember stuff or worse, I'm right into an explanation when it goes out of my head!

Next thing will be a hypnotist!

My confused fu*king life...

Ok.  I'm 55 years old. When is my life going to get simple..?

Yesterday started out as any other.  I bought the new squeeze a Valentine's Day card that said something along the lines of "I like your face!"  It is early on if you're wondering at my distinct lack of romance; and I got him a Ryan Adams record...

I got the ex-squeeze a card to, that said something along the lines of "we are still the same, only different..."  It had a Llama on the front so he would have enjoyed that, since I'm so scared of them!  What I meant by that is "now we are only best friends again".

Well then I came home from work; which is when all the fun started...

The squeeze called in after work as I have dinner with my brother, his wife and my kid.  Plus I had to do a website, so...  (And they had great fun in speculating about my love life!)

He is sitting there and opens his card saying that he was uncertain if I go in for all this romance stuff so he didn't get me a card...  However, he got the most important bit - a boxed set of Bruce Springsteen records and my favourite flowers.

 

I should probably point out at this time that I know I like him, but I'm on the roller coaster of like/hate.   It won't move into love for another month or so and that is if it does.  That is if he (or the original squeeze) doesn't do something to fuck it up!

So we have done our exchange when there is a knock at the door. Imagine my surprise when a big box crosses the threshold.  And I look at the Squeeze who gives me a blank look so I realise  that this stunningly gorgeous huge box of roses are not from him.

Which is when the confusion starts.

So knowing I have to get rid of the squeeze so I can think, I shuffle him out of the door with the pathetic excuse of the website that I have to do.  Which, I might add, I spent time on doing while thinking about what this all meant.

Then I opened the card that came today...  And my life takes a distinct downward spiral and has remained there ever since.

 

He is a writer; a bloody talented one.  I don't think there is any competition on the romance scale. He knows me so well, we were best friends for ten years before we even went out.

But saying he knows me so well is in understanding he knows exactly how to pull my chain. He knows what to write so as to melt me...  For me they are a statement of love; but for him... Just words.  After all, he managed to wed the Harridan and have kids with her, and eventually, she walked out on him.  So why couldn't he go out with me?

Because they are just words; harder to put them into practice...
Yeah.  "I can't stand the world without you!!"

Frankly, I think I would be better off being single!

Curse and rot...

Curse and rot my stupid brain!  I got rung up about a job; the first one for a while and one that I'd really like! But my brain turned to mush which means I'm going to have to reevaluate what it is I want to do.  The problem is I liked project management!  But struggling with speech is killing me on that front!

So what can I do..?
Maybe I'll have to go back to school...

What I'd like to do is a graphic artist and be in the back office so I don't have to talk to anyone!  I've got the skills, well mostly.  I continued with my graphic art even when I was a project manager. I just gave it the 'visual' flair and I intended to again. 

Crap...  Stupid brain damage!!