:'( :'( :'(

I am sitting here kind of stunned.  You'd have thought that life would have taught me by now that nothing is easy.  If it seems to easy, look out for the Mac truck coming around the bend; careening on the path, heading straight for me.

You'd think I get used to bad luck; karma; whatever the Hell it's called.

I just got back from an appointment with the rehab Neuro.  The only one I trust, who is not in it for himself or covering his butt so he doesn't get sued.

He said my brain his come as far as its going to; learning from now on, to take in anything new will be a bitch.  That he's sorry but I'm not going to be as "sharp" as I once was...

I wanted to howl.

I'm still living the Monash doctors view that I have at least a year of recovery!!!!

Ahhhh! If I don't stop...

If I don't stop eating, I'll end up as fat as I was when I broke with the squeeze!

I'm so fat!!!  I'm eating everything!  I'm not even hungry!

So Monday, its diet time.  For real...   The upside is, so is my son and daughter.  We're not having anything with calories in it!  Nothing nice!  And I'm going back to boxing...

Damn fat genes!

Up and Down!!!

I'm sick of the up and down of brain "injury" [read brain damaged].  I mean if no one knew I was brain damaged, you would probably meet me for the first time, and think I was normal.  That in itself, can be frustrating!

I'm sick of beginning each conversation with "hello!! I have brain damage!" just so as the get it!

Oh well.  I keep trying at work even though its exhausting and I'm probably not much value.  I can't concentrate on more than one thing, and even then its a struggle...

Life is Funny!

Life is funny.   I'm back at work, and I think I could handle more hours.  I'm tired, but I suspect I was tired before I went to that fateful "we'll just close this shunt off and see..." last November.

Today I got to work by quarter to eight.  I feel happy.  Relatively so anyhow.  I'm feeling the love at work which is nice.  Far better than my boss who just doesn't know that your supposed to care about other people!  I had the chief medical officer come and ask how I was and the director of radiology came up while I was getting my coffee.  It felt good; although I cringed when the radiology guy said he been up to see my twice but I was asleep!  (More like I was out of it and I didn't want them to remember me like that!)

No drinking again; I'm always clear headed when I totally abstain.  The other day I drank with a friend and I was retarded the next day (or gave the appearance of it!).  So alcohol I can have only when someone comes around, and I have to really limit myself on a work night.

As for the 51 year old; player.  Don't think I will see him again.  Probably just as well...

I'm beginning to think I would just do better with my girlfriends...

Jeff Duff; boy is he thin...

On Friday night I went to see Jeff Duff doing Bowie.

He was thin as a rail, overtly gay and we had a great time! He got the crowd up on their feet and we stood there, dancing, in awe of how brilliant he is. 

We went out to dinner first at this place down the road which cooks Russian food.  Sound horrible, I know, but it was fabulous!

Then we came home...

Going to the Models....

I don't know who it is that knows.  I don't care.  But I bought 2 tickets to the Models tonight!

Yay!  They were so good when I saw them last time.  In fact the last time I saw them was one of the last times I went out with the Squeeze and the Carlton Crew.  We had such fun, groovin and rockin our arse's off.  It was one of the last times that the Squeeze felt like he belonged; at least wanted to belong.

I remember the first time I saw them.  I was 21, dressed like a cool twenties type woman. I was incredibly thin. Madly in love with my ex-husband no 2.

Now this time I go with the man of the moment.  And if not him, then one of my girlfriends.   In the end, they are probably worth more anyhow!

:( Going to work....

I beginning to think that I have bitten off more than I can chew at work!  I'm constantly tired!  This morning I got up at 10; could have slept longer!

Oh boy...

Well the world is back to rights again...

I'm going to sleep in tomorrow morning...  And I can't wait.  Literally!

So where am I at the moment..?

Well I'm at work; 4 days a week for 4 hours.  Monday was a God awful day.  I couldn't think.  I couldn't manage to capture my thoughts!  I wanted to drag a leg through the town square and yell "I am not an animal!" I felt so retarded!  Today; was good!  I managed to capture my thoughts and do some PR.

Just before I left, the "guy of the moment" (he hasn't a nick name that fits so far) said he was experiencing withdrawals (nice!!!) and wanted to see me before our date on Friday. Since I was leaving in any case, I thought I'd say "2pm.  See you at the place with the yellow chairs" in Oakleigh.

He was there...

I like him more each time I see him.  Everything is easy; nice.
And I haven't rushed.  Wonder if it still will be when we sleep together!

Happy Mother's Day!

Just wanted to come on and say happy Mother's Day!  Meanwhile, I'm cooking up a storm for two of mine; the third is in Japan on holiday!

So Happy Mother's Day!!!

What the...!!!

The man of the moment didn't come last night.  Instead I drank and sulked and watched the football with the girl.  Which was good; only my little sister and I picked them so I left a spray on everyone else's footy tipping page!  He was sick (so much for the man of the moment!)

I got up early with the girl and we went to Victorian Market, had a bite to eat.  Then we shopped!  Retail therapy always makes it feel better!  Followed by handing out a cv in Oakleigh (not me, the daughter) and another coffee.

Tonight, I cooked pizza; did the housework, changed the bed and now I'm waiting for it to be over!

Roll on Mothers Day!

Cooking... Things are...

Tonight the new friend is coming over.  It's too soon to call him a boyfriend, even if he was of age lol.

I'm cooking pizza.  Mainly because the daughter is home (oh why didn't she go out!). Coming in. civilized...  Eating a meal.  And he has manners; so much so that I'm not sure what to do or say.  I started drinking about four o'clock, then nervous, I stopped.  Now I'm drinking again.

And I'm nervous still.

To the point where I feel sick.

The rain in Spain! Oh its freezing...

Today is my day off; and it is bloody freezing!!!  But my brain is feeling, if not better - then definitely pretty bloody good!

I feel fantastic!  More so than anything else is the fact that I am no longer myself.  I like the fact that I'm no longer careening from the depths of despair to the absolute highs of life.  I'm normal!  Well I would be if I didn't have a brain injury.

And...  there is the boyfriend.

Ok. Going to continue!!!!

Amazing! The emails I got about finishing the blog...  So many that I decided to limp along for a while.  I mean surely I would come across a new Squeeze sooner or later. Right?

Granted the new Squeeze may not be 4'6'', highly amusing and 61 yo.  But maybe he wouldn't be as hard work either; and I mean hard!  He probably wouldn't have an ex-wife (who was only an ex because I insisted).  He would have a savings plan.  Neither would he have a kid that picks his nose and wipes it on the wall as a "in your face bitch!" - but Hell, I'd find one... wouldn't I?

I was never going to fall in 'Lust/Love at First Site'.

I didn't believe in it anyhow.  Look at the past!  The PI who after 2 months got me fall down dead drunk and ended up in bed with him, wanting to gnaw my arm off rather than wake him up in the morning.  Somehow from there, I was madly in love after three months....

The rest of them happened the same.  The Squeeze was 11 years!  It was like waking up one morning and the dog talks to you!

But then I'd never met him...  

6'1" (I'm only 5'7")
Swims daily (read great body)
51 yo  (younger than me by 2 years!!  Well almost!)
Plays guitar & mandolin.
Doctor (not where I work either!)
Crazy. He likes me.

and to make it even more ridiculous, I like him! A lot!  I'm going to my sisters the weekend after next - and thinking about asking him!

The End....

I've decided this blog should end.

Dating a Hunchback was a funny name I picked for the squeeze... Who could never quite commit.  Now in a world without the Squeeze, the ex wife from Hell, the child who snots on the wall and the other two kids - it is over.

Every single march along romantic lines, was difficult.  All the way from him wearing his wedding ring ("But I like it!") to the 67 text messages he received in one day, to the stolen tent, to him; convinced that ALL communication go through her.   They are back to sharing birthdays; and I bet he pays!

In reality, I don't want my thoughts to be read by him.

I'm pretty sure that the American blogs instigated the return to 'loved up land'.  Only to discover that he didn't love me after all.  All it did was to hurt me (when he blamed me; "don't tell anyone!!!") and ended it and swiftly as it started.  Luckily I was in hospital so I didn't linger, over thinking it.

But either way, it is his problem.  I've had this Bad Romance...

So; on with a new blog...,.

All through the house...

Perhaps there is more than one thing stirring in this night before Christmas...

For one, it's not Christmas. For two, I'm at a hospital; not home in bed. Three; oh hell, I don't remember 3. Blame it on the brain damage. 

Day 6 and I'm losing my temper. I should have lost it on day 3 but on no; the new model of me; the Bain damaged one thinks everyone needs a further shot.  Further shot be damned. Just gives them time to line me up. 

But they got it, more time. And before I got one Neurosrgeon in here to talk to me. 

I cried, talked and bemoaned to the neurosurgon that finally came to let me know what's happening. So happy was I just to be told. 

That's all I wanted. Day 6 of watching life pass me by is enough. 

One Seventeen.

I'm in hospital. It's quiet. Aside from the girl snoring!!! And she isn't even supposed to be here!  

I waited til now for the girl opposite to turn down the light. The old woman next to me to turn off the tv; or at least turn down the sound. They brought a guy in late with a suspected fractured neck. He's as quiet as a church mouse but his girlfriend!!

:(

Oh... The time is one seventeen!

Hospital again...

I should say something; like 'damn it!'...  But I can't.  How does my year get worse and worse.. 

New drugs. Old problem.

I've hit the third lot of anti-depressant drugs in the last 2 months.  Wooaa; its not a pretty site.  I don't like taking them. Who would.  They make me feel like a crawled into a bath; and I couldn't care less who is watching.  I can't "feel".

In order to block out the constant stream of tears, and I'm not unaware that it is for no reason but can't seem to stop it, I have to take them.  But in order to be "me", I can't take them.

So tomorrow I'm going to try half a one.

Jesus.   A bit of help would go astray God!!!!!

Crying Continues!

I've seen my general practitioner, a guy for my eyes and my neurosurgeon; not necessarily in that order.

In amongst it all I've been crying my eyes out.  I wish I could say that I don't know why; but I think I've got a bloody good reason!

Upside is, my doctor put me back on the medication, just a different one!
Antidepressants designed to make your life great!  So by the end of the week I should no longer feel like killing myself!!!

Well if not great, then bearable...

Hurry up already life!!!

I got up this morning before the alarm went off and felt surprisingly good; not great, but good.  Okay the Moodle didn't want me; I could live with that. All in all, he didn't love me enough.  I had a shower and washed my hair; alright there were the odd bits sticking up where the doctor cut it, but all in all it looked good!  I put make up on; stepped into a black dress and some back heels and was right to go.

I walked out of the house carrying my laptop bag, there was, if not a spring in my step, at least a little jaunt.

I was on my way to work.  First time since November last year.  Although I'll admit that my brain isn't A+, it's better than it was in December (like I know my name).

I park the car and walk into work...
and that is where it stops.

I find that I haven't got 'back to work' clearance from my neurosurgeon; even though I went and asked him for it after last weeks 'back to work' meeting.  Worse, I can't work without it.  So I go downstairs and find he is in surgery all day but will complete it when I have an appointment tomorrow; present it to his colleagues Friday.  At this rate, I should be back at work come next Monday!

God.  This afternoon I had rehab.  The girl who is my Social Worker had me in there crying the afternoon away.  Crying because the Moodle didn't love me.  Crying because I couldn't work; was too stupid too in any case.  Crying because my boss said I should sit somewhere else!

At least I've given her purpose as she navigates through this shitty life.  She suggested I sue!

Depression. Thy name is Me.

I woke up this morning feeling okay.  I mean I had decided to test the water with the yank.  I think I had decided that when I saw the wheels falling off the Moodle on Saturday; brain damaged I may be but even I can see what it means when he who lives by his phone, doesn't answer me.

So 12+ years and I get an email.  Wow.

He blamed my reaction to the kid, but hey, I don't want to live with the kid.  I wrote in my blog that his snot wiping episode was revolting.  News flash Moodle; it was!  I was planning my thing; we were living as singles til January anyhow; he could have taken as long as he liked.

I called my sister on the way home and she reminded me of the past.  The Moodle not believing anything I said when up against the kid.  The horrible emails he had written.
And; when all is said and done; the bit I can't escape.
He didn't go to my Dad's funeral.

I wonder why I can't just cut the ribbon; slice the cord.
I did love him, but maybe that is it.  Letting go and moving on seems so hard.  It always has.  Like the PI; I went back multiple times.  Like everyone; I always go back...

An email for 12+ years.  The end is worth only that...

Oh well...

Confusion is out. 

I'd sat there on the weekend tossing and turning the idea of the Moodle Take II, in my head. Should I? Shouldn't I? Then there was reaction. Everyone said the same thing, various faces of horror.  

And what about the new guy..? Who I'll admit, figured bigger than life. What about all the bullshit and lies the kid said about me.  I mean I could get over it; couldn't I? Well I could if he lived somewhere else. 

And speaking of the new guy, I'd talked to him more than I had the Moodle, which annoyed me no end.

I mean this guy said he loved me. 

He did love me. 

But you can't fight a kid. 

In the end it was this blog that dragged me down like a dappled deer in the snow. 

Because of what I said about the kid. Looks like I don't get the chance to see if it goes away!

Baby sitting.

I'm down at my mother's.  I haven't worked out if she is baby sitting me; or I am the sitter. 

I haven't really heard from the Moodle. I can't really work him out. Confusion. My brain already lives like that!

But... As good as it is...

I'll walk away if I have to...

The kid was revolting; picking his nose and wiping on the wall and that was only that obvious thing; he did plenty not so obvious.  I tried to get that through to him tonight.  He should have sided with me and sent him back home for a couple of weeks.  Not doing that, meant that the swine could treat me like crap.  And he did.

But I'm the adult here.  I'll make concessions.  The concession I'll make is ill suck it up and be second; but only until November.

I won't live with him; even as much as I love the Moodle; I won't be put last all the time.
The kid is nearly 18.  At that point, Moodle has done enough.  It's time for us.

All that said; he really is something.  Even having dinner tonight it was like yesterday.  I love him.  It's as simple as that.

Even as simple as that, if I'm put last all the time - that will be it for me.

Life. It's hard...

Yesterday, due to my depression blog, I heard from the Moodle.  For the first time since oh; at least January.  Maybe Christmas, he emailed me.

He wrote 'i don't usually reject someone's desire not to talk to them and I don't have any idea what drugs you were on then, but I just wanted to tell you to cheer up and remember i'm always there for you.  i'll go back to my room now...'

That single email told me plenty of things.

1.  He's a fool.
2.  He still doesn't punctuate his emails...
3.  I was unaware he had been told to leave me alone (something I don't regret, my Sister loves me and watches out for me).
4.  Sadly, I am stuck with him.

With that one 'I'll go back to my room now...'  I realised that I could live in Tasmania with him.  I could live there for fifty weeks of the year and not get bored!  I could live on any cliff or in any little hovel, because we are the same.

Ups and downs of life...

I've decided that there isn't anything that anyone can do.  The highs and desperate lows I'm experiencing are a part of life.  A part of this illness that sucks me to the end and back; and I don't know if I can take another day.

I haven't had depression since the last catastrophe that is this brain complaint.  I'd had 6 or so operations around the same time at least ten years back, and I didn't understand why where once there was light; now there was beige.  Worse that beige; black.

That time I pulled my life apart and walked away.  I didn't understand... Know.

This time I want to do that too.  I want to buy a little house in Tassie; by the water.  Have some chooks.  My piano.  My computer...  I want to write the days away...

But its a dream...

My life is as hard as it can be.  I want to escape, but is it simply 'new life' or 'running away'..?

So... Day two of the lack of medication is as black as it can be.

Yesterday saw me as high as I could get.
Now today, in the depths of despair!  I want to cry, for no reason!

So, its a waiting game.

Hurry.... Friday!

Well it's Friday.  Yay!

I'm up and off early.  I've got a meeting in Oakleigh with a friend for coffee, who then will go off and play golf.  I'll admit I'm not that much of a golf fan.  I tried to learn it a few years ago; I only liked the 19th hole (I'm not even sure that what the hole is lol) so I think that is my thing.  Even then, I think that is a next year thing since I can't drink alcohol!

Then I'm off to rehab.  Wonder what joys they've got for me today!

Then I'm off to Ivanhoe.

It's nice.  It's strange.  I have to keep myself in check.  I'll throw it all away if I don't.
I'm not unaware that I didn't even like the PI and I ended up crazy about him....   So I figure it is time for me to fall for a guy that is nice.  So I'm taking it slowly, or trying too.

Didn't get to sleep until about 3 am, stupid brain wouldn't shut up.  If I take there medication I'm sleeping about 14 hours a day.  I don't take it; I sleep about 6.  Why can't they have something in between?

Ahhh Alcohol!

Well I can't have alcohol.

Truth tell, I haven't had it since November; other than a glass of champagne at my brother's birthday in December and I was such a half wit then, they could have given me cordial.

Tuesday night The Yank came over (sorry, I haven't got another nick for him yet so I call him The Yank til I do; even though he has been here for over thirty years and has had 2 Australian wives!) and we downed red wine like it was going out of fashion.

What fun!  Except for I fell asleep before nine.

Worse that that, Wednesday was a blur for me.  I couldn't think; couldn't do anything.
Had a headache all day til I thought I would scream.  Then I went to bed early with the same headache so I just wanted to die.  I woke up this morning; you guessed it with the same headache til I began to wonder if I had done damage to myself.

I mean I only had 3 glasses but in December, the doctors said drinking is toxic for me.  I will go back to being a non drinker!  Looks like alcohol as a toxin hasn't finished with me yet!  So I'll have the best wine cupboard and porch anyone has seen.  Wine cupboard is full; so is that rack.  Back porch as 6 cases out there ready...  and I can't have any.

All in all, that's not nearly as depressing as it sounds lol

And even better, my love life is racing along.  It was date number five for us; and believe it or not, everything went well.  Tomorrow, I'm going to stay at his house...

Ummmm hello? Sweety....

The guy of the moment is coming for dinner tonight; although last November I'd have said I was a great cook, tonight, well, I seem to have forgotten how.  I'm okay once I get there but thinking of the thing to cook is mind boggling.  I've got hundreds of cookbooks here but I haven't opened any; too scared I'll get lost.

We are in sea saw phase.  It is always the same for me.  One step forward, ten back.  I like them; I think I'm better off waiting for my Prince.  Then whammy; out of left field I'm in love.

Thats probably why I wanted the Moodle back.  Although I was in hospital and brain frazzled, I sensed I would be safe with him and a little matter of the heart, being in love, didn't matter that much.  Not to mention I hadn't been out with anyone else; saving myself I guess.

Well the Moodle didn't want me; to the point of silence.  I wonder what I do to people that causes them to shut to door, lock it and throw away the key.

Oh well.  Life wasn't meant to be easy and in truth, it would never been easy with him.  I think he loved me as best he could but it wasn't enough.  Maybe now it would be...  Who knows and I guess I'll never find out.

So the Yank.  He is the next one; he has been here for over 30 years lol, yet still maintains the accent. He is sweet.  I think I'm due for sweet....

Can I go to work..?

I'm bored!  I sit at home all day and trust me, I find things to do, but there is only so much television and cleaning one can find.  Yesterday, I got out of bed and went outside to sit in the sun and do my homework.  Its all a bit too easy I think but there is reams of it!  From there, it was walking to Southland and looking what was on at the movies.  Boy, nothing...

Today, the sun is no where to be seen.  I got up and drove over to rehab number two.  Not the one I usually go too.  The Victorian Rehabilitation Centre where I see the Psychologist (the one where I usually go, left and they haven't found a replacement yet) .

She does these tests and there is no way to cheat the damned thing!

Boy; my memory leaves a lot to be desired!

The worst part, obviously, is the memory test.  Ouch.  She sits there and reads out twenty words or so; then I have to repeat them back - five times throughout the afternoon.  Needless to say it didn't get any better!  Four.

Still, memory is crap but I'm getting better.

Obviously I have to take it with a grain of salt because I some of it I couldn't do before I had brain damage!  In fact, I figure most of it I was crap at!

But...  My physical self is better than its been in a long time (except my vision!).  I've now lost about seventeen/eighteen kilo depending on the day!

Not to mention the guy of the moment is going to sort us out.  Me and Daughter. I can see us doing sit ups while he barks orders...  No so bad when he has a nice, slim body with muscle in all the right places.

The world turns...

Today I got up feeling; well normal.

Okay, I'm tired but that's part of the course.  My brain feels, if not then 100 percent, at least 80 percent, so I was on the right track yesterday with my mooch around in my pj's all day.

Rehab want me to write a story; just so as I keep my brain active.  I started one yesterday but although I want a horror, it has begun like a true story...  Even down to my personality changes.  I guess that is a horror in some ways.  Who else could this happen too?  No one right?

Well wrong.  There a hundreds of people worse off and blissfully happy.  I know, I've seen them.  That's one thing I've noticed, I take more notice of everything; everything!  But I'm okay on my own.  I'll live...  I won't fall apart.

A friend text me and asked me to meet her in the city.  I said no.  I'm not going to drive all the way into the city and there is no train near me.  I know myself.  Pre brain op I would have gone; been there... with bells on!  Now, no.  Now I weigh up the choices.

The good thing about all of that is my spending has crept down.  I've become 'careful' about what I spend.  I haven't even looked at clothes but I've wardrobes that run the length of my bedroom and there wedged in there so tight they are all creased!

Well...  Look who is all grown up.  It only took fifty years!

I apologise if my writing seems disjointed!  I'm trying!

Exhausted!

Today I have been almost dead.  So close to dead I'm speaking in tongues, or some weird mixture of guttural English.  I haven't got out of my pj's.  I haven't even brushed my teeth!  And its already night time again.

I figure it was going to Torquay.

I know my sister thinks she is doing the right thing by me but I drove 2 hours and then had a 5 klm trek on the Friday night.  It was wonderful at the time.  To sit in a restaurant and have a beer and fries is so damned normal!  I felt like a real person!  I can't drink wine with my brain so beer is the only thing I can have; and then its limited!

Alcohol is toxic for me; at least wine is.  And believe you me, I tested that right out with a friend of mine.  I got up in the morning feeling blah; seeing one of my groovy blackwood and leather chairs broken.

Bugger it.  Alcohol used to be the only thing that made the day bearable!

Then, the next day, we hiked 11 klm.

11 klms!  I must be mad!

Date night again....

Well it's date night again.
Funny thing, the guy took me to the same place as the last guy!

I'm going out again on Friday night.
To his place this time to cook...

Thunderbirds are Go

Well I'm sure the heading meant something...  It just doesn't have anything of relevance at the moment lol

This weekend I drove to Torquay.  Not far, if you shut one eye and squint with the other.  But far enough.  Made worse because I remembered that Queens Road would be closed... Or bedlam, so I had to cut back.  This meant that I drove about an hour, without actually making headway because I couldn't remember the way (not sure if that is before or after brain surgery!)

So I made it down to Torquay about two hours in, which isn't too bad considering that its the other side of Geelong on the coast.  My sister, who I haven't seen for a month, was pleasantly surprised when I kept up with conversation and cracked the odd joke.  She said that I was more like me; even though she had cried over some of who I was earlier in the piece.

My inability to be a human (I still think it, though it is getting better) was the major factor that she saw.

I am a human.  I am alive.  That's all I've got/

Linger longer

Today I didn't get out of bed until ten am.  Okay, unusual.  I woke up and watched more of  a show that has peaked my interest, but in reality, I spent about 11 hours in bed.  And that's not the first time...  Its rolling on.  I've crossed the bridge into normality.

I've gone from 'not sleeping'; we are talking physically exhausted...  Lying awake looking at the minutes tip over until I can't bare it; still awake at 2-3 am, only to be up at 7 or 8.
Cleaning the house and its already clean!  Making the girls bed!  And here I am.  4 or 5 hours a night!

So what has changed in the land of 'life..?'  Well not much.  I'm still here trying to get back to work before I become a street person!  I've had four months off on full pay and I've probably got another two to go - if I'm lucky.  But they won't sign off on 'back to work' so here I am, gym and housework fills my day.  My neuro wants to go and see my boss...  Which I'm figuring is the least he could do.

Why..?  Well of course, no one has mentioned how I've done this sixteen times at St Vincent's Hospital and not one issue; to one time at Monash (that became four!) and after Monash, I'm like the walking dead!  I can't think!  My brain is squewiff!  I can't think straight.

And it isn't even the first time, because I've presented at Monash's ED with shocking headaches and walking and talking like I've got a buzz going... Now my memory is coming back; it's ALL coming,  I took all my history with me and the woman I saw, a 2IC neuro, thought I was... I don't know what.  Perhaps I was faking it...

She sent me home, my tears not swaying her.  I couldn't even summon a smile when one of the nurses called her a bitch and did I want to talk to some one else.   Instead I went to St Vincent's where they worked out what was wrong and operated.

So... I linger longer!

Dating... One Two Three

Tonight I went on a date.

I wasn't looking forward to it but felt like I should go.  After all, one can make a million excuses as to why I shouldn't go; some of them, even good.  But in the end, I still end up an old lady living with ten cats in my dressing gown.

In truth, it was good.  It was nice.  It was...
I think I'll go on a second date with him.

Oh. Damn my back!

I love the thought that I can be anything I want; including flying at the moment.  I feel on a high; and I'm up there! Wow.

Well I could if I hadn't have thrown my back out!

I am feeling pain in my lower back; ouch!  So I went to the pool, albiet, had spa and steam room and waited it out.  I'm still wincing every time I move!

And then there was none...

I keep falling over.  It's not like me; bruises all over.  My daughter thinks I've got an issue with perception; but I think it a lot more simple than that.  I've been a klutz.  Either way, I guess well see when I see the nurosurgeon this week.

Yesterday I was at my brothers place.  We went out to the Begonia Festival, which although I thought would be yawn worthy, turned out to be fun.  We walked all over.  There was food, drinks and metal and wood.  We looked at a market, which I bought a toucan; the only thing of non necessity purchased since my 'awakening'.  We are talking $20.

I feel good; although alcohol is a no go zone for me.  I've avoided it like the plague; admittedly, I figure I need all my wits about me.  Saturday night I had a few wines at my brothers place.

And that was that.

I don't remember another thing, but my brother told me I was creeping through the house... Lost.

Ophatmology - Check!

Well yesterday, in between sleeping, I managed to do just about all that was asked of me at rehab. Sleeping because I lay awake to 2am and had to get up at 5 to take the boy to the airport to catch a flight back to Perth!  Then, it's home again to go rehab at the place I was staying at.

When I got home again, I sat on the phone for what felt like a lifetime and waited until centrelink answered.  That on its own, was no mean feat.  Then I went through the whole thing again...  I have to admit, the woman sounded friendly and she worked through my problem and got me where I was going.

Now I only have to rock on down there to prove who I am.

Other that that, I had to get my eyes test; or at least book in for it.  This sounds easy I know, but is as difficult has every other task that is set for me.  Mainly because I didn't know what ophtalmology is, let alone that I needed it!

I feel in some ways, that my brain is not mine; but I can get used to it.  My vision; that's harder.

The dulcet tones...

I'm sitting here listening to soft, melodic tones of Bach.  Of course it's on a mobile phone; scratchy and sounding distinctly not like Bach - and its not my phone.  Today I begin my phone calls; and I have list as long as your arm (actually I have three tasks but I have been trying this one for the last hour and I might not even need it.)

Kill.  Me.  Now.

Breathing a sigh...

My son has been home for the last week.  My God.  It is keep my mouth closed, keep out of his room and keep my opinions to myself.

All of those things, last year, I wouldn't have struggled with, except to tell him to push off.  Maybe keep out of his room (as long as the damned door was shut!).  But the new person that is me, doesn't seem to be the same.  I'm definitely more easy going.  I have changed; I'm quiet and thoughtful. Like to think before opening my mouth.

I am still out on whether this change in me is good. lol

I've got a date tomorrow.  First one in ages.  Will be interesting no doubt!  He has 6 guitars and plays and writes music.  I told him I'm off sick and that I lose my train of thought every so often; which he should take advantage of.  I may not be such a great listener when I get myself back... if I get myself back!

I remember...

I remember when I was a little girl and the things I did, shaped me.  You learned to save; or not save.  You learned to love; and get tired of it.  You learned a million things, but so did you siblings that each turned out different to you.

I wonder why?

One would think that if there were five of us, and we had to same upbringing, that we would all be similar.  Not so in my family.  One is married to the boy she met just out of high school, and she'd nearly 60.  One brother is divorced once, but married to a girl we're all crazy about.  Then there is me.  Married 3 times but divorced as many times and still can't get it right. One brother just divorced number two.  A sister is married to a man 20 years older than her.

How does this all prove we all come from the same mix.  Grew up in the same family with the same moral fiber lording it over us...  It doesn't!

Oh Oh....

Well I'm beginning to think there something wrong with my vision along with my chipped teeth and my aging skin.  I'm not kidding; I've aged 10 years in the last 4 months.

I keep falling over - flat on my face and the bruising up and down my legs, specifically my shins, tell there own story.  My daughter is coming to the doctor this time to ask him about it.  She knows I won't because I don't wan't to lose my license but I'll just keep quiet about that and maybe no one will realize!

It is a quiet Sunday.  The wind is howling even though there is a bright sun that burns you when standing in it for any length of time. Think I'll stay in from here. I went for an hour and a half walk with my son this morning; he's a good kid.  How many other 24 year old men, would give up their weekend to stay with mum.  Not many I'm tipping!

Full House!

Today is a full house.  I didn't even have a spare bed for my youngest, choosing instead to use the cushions from the couch and the doona!  Not that he really cares; he's young!

I woke up late; feeling pretty good actually.  I guess the meds are starting to work.  :)  I no longer what to die every time I open my eyes; it was absolutely horrendous.

After my youngest got up here, we went to the food and wine festival on the waterfront. Wow.  It was absolutely packed with bands and there was food form everywhere! So we stayed and swayed and had great time and when we got home tonight, I cooked.

All in all, a good weekend!  Well so far anyhow!

The bed's a bit big.....

Today, I helped my son who is home for a week or so, get his bed in his room. He works FIFO (fly in fly out), so is only home a week or so every four to five weeks.  Well so far we have a room, a big ass bed and a big screen TV.  Well I guess he is sorted!

Other that that I've had a rather full on day.  A painter came to paint some the porch and front door.  A friend of mine came to fix the stereo (it would appear to NOT be my amplifier so I'll have to test the turntable next).  After that I went to the gym where I walked/ran on the running machine, swam laps then had a spa before taking myself to the steam room and then the sauna!
All in all; a good day.

Tonight, the girl and I thought we'd see whats around down this way. They have this pop up bar thingo at the City of Kingston so we figured we may go and see what its like.

Of course, it hard to get used to going out and not drinking!  But I'm doing it!

:(

Today is really difficult.  This day, a year ago, my Dad died.

I'm not going to cry because quite frankly, I think there are other days far sorrier.  Like his birthdays or Christmas's.
And oh, how he loved Christmas!  The tree; the food; the presents!

So this one is for you Pops.  Chin chin!

I love you.

Enough already...

Well I have to say I'm coming out of it.  I stay awake during the day and do all kinds of stuff; of course it is hard to have stuff to do when you can't spent a cent! I'm on lock down - self imposed.

I've literally been to Hell and back.  My memory hasn't been worth paper it's written on and gaps in my conversation make that more that obvious.  As if that wasn't bad enough, try 2 chipped teeth, my eyes - both sight and visually have a problem and I'm weaker on the left hand side (which equates to the right!)

Yeah. I'm a picture of heath.  I'm still not back at work; it's going on 4 months now.  I went for lunch with the guys but they got the new, quieter thinner version.

I started my "rehab" at the place where I work.  I mean how are you supposed to get better at home..?  I spend my day alone walking and cleaning up.  Then I watch a movie and hang til the girl gets home.  I'm quite simply put, going mad.  Stark raving mad!  I wan't to go back to work (never thought I'd say that lol)

And aside from it all, I've changed the personality of what I was.  I don't know why. Where once I was loud, now I'm more thoughtful.  But the loudness I see as bravado; because twice I marched in front of a line of people that stretched out the door. saying "they're calling me!", and caught a plane to Sydney on the weekend and not a person said a peep!

Oh my brothers place is gorgeous!

It's all about the space...

Well its moving day.  Kind of.  The house is full of boxes.  The truck is hired.  Am about to go the the real estate agent and swap bags of money for the keys; and then I live in a real house again.  Don't get me wrong, I loved the fact that were in a shopping centre on a main road.

That we could go out the back and hear music playing from the pub two doors down was a real coo; but the rats! As long as from wrist to elbow - and that isn't a lie.  I can hear them at night, which is better that knowing they were creeping through my bedroom.

Still, now that the council is onto them, the stench is gone but hey, the harmony I felt when I first moved (unbeknown to me, they were growing even then) is gone.

So this is my last chance to write for a little bit.  I've got no internet because they haven't worked out if there is a line there and I can't remember what it looks like - but I'll go.  Sigh...

It is time to work...  At least then I don't think about the Squeeze.

Taking time...

Well I decided to keep at it, even though I'm getting zippo in the joy department.

Everything seems to want to rectify itself so slowly.  The worst is the terrible exhaustion, which if I'm honest, threatens to consume me.

We are moving into a new house.  Most unfortunate in timing but there it is.  I'll be out of shopping strip, rats and life and in to suburbia; of course if I don't get my license back, God knows how I'm going to get anywhere!

I'm knee deep in boxes and if I'm honest, I want to do all the wrapping myself to make sure it's done correctly.  Yeah; I'm asking myself that same question.  Why don't I give some of it over to my kids..?  Well, that would be easier if they were here.  There out having a good time since I'm not mumbling and horsefly swatting myself.  In other words, since they can understand me, I'm fine.

You'll have to bear with me because I'm teaching myself to touch type again.  Well its funny... It's not exactly teaching myself to type; its teaching myself not to be dyslexic.  I type all the damned words out but I have to go back and correct more words that not.

Oh well, more later.  I'm off to the movies with a friend.

Okay. That sucked...

I'm sitting here going extremely slowly on my computer.  Why am I going this ever frustratingly snails pace when I haven't been on since October..?

Well you may remember that the premise around leaving you last year was my brain.  It was packing up... Throwing the towel in... Giving up the ghost.

The short of it is that they; on their first visit out; stuffed my brain.  A simple 'basic' operation - that turned into four and left me sitting in a waiting room for four hours between operations; getting brain damage.

I haven't been to work since then.  This is the first time I could gather my wits enough to try and sit at the computer.

The good new is that each week sees me relearning things and I'm almost a person again; aside from a few typos....  And the delete key!