Wednesday, August 17, 2011

One Big, Bonding, Happy Family

Kid 3 – (vampire foot) suggested it would be fun to go for a bout of paintball.  One of the biggest centres in Australia is located only a block or two from our place so the idea seemed to have merit. 
Of course the idea of ‘paint balling’ with a group of velvet wearing hippies who don’t believe in war didn’t exactly curl my toes in anticipation, even if the idea of shooting them appealed immensely.   But I supported it because whenever the kid arrives, the first thing he does is run for the television, laptop and now the Squeezes new smart phone; if possible, all three are consumed at the one time. 
The techno gluttony is to the point where it drives me crazy, more so I suspect because the Squeeze lets it go so he can be the ‘good guy’.  Did I say allows it to go on?  Try encourages it if the 1.5 gig of crap downloaded last night counts.   Even though my thoughts on the Harridan are mostly centred around the fact that she should be flogged; I don’t believe in the non full-time parent allowing kids to do “what they like” just to be seen as the nice guy.  It’s unfair.
So I am prepared to give paintball a go and while nodding a: “yeah, good idea”, I’m thinking about each of them as the enemy…  A target.  Vampire boy is too young to think about in the combat sense, even though his toenail alone could be counted as a deadly weapon.  The Squeeze...?  This is a guy that flinches when I move suddenly.  No problem taking him out.  Kid 1 – is so damned innocent and child like that perhaps I could mention that the paint is made from baby ‘paint-esters’ that have all been clubbed to death and left bleeding in the snow, and he’ll be too scared to touch a weapon.  Kid 2 I suspect will attack without problem… Maybe.
Still, I’m the opposite of this group; I was always going to be the closet commando whose own team would have to shoot me, just to get me to shut the hell up and put down my weapon.
So to even things up, I thought I would extend the love and bonding and enlist Kid 2 & 3 from my side.  More like an ‘us versus them’ extravaganza…  This, of course, meant instead of a friendly bonding exercise, it was going to turn into a blood bath. 
His kids have been reared in the ‘new age’ feely good way where there are no losers, kids can never be smacked; and they should never, ever, have to stand on their own two feet.  Alternatively, mine understand the realities of life.  No one is going to hand you life on a platter.  Stuff up, and there are consequences and penalties that stick with you; sometimes forever.  Think before you doing anything and pause to plan and strategise. 
So I send out the call for a friendly little war and as expected, mine are completely on board to the point where my daughter is already planning our strategy and drawing up war plans, not to mention claiming naming rights; and my son is busting a gut to get his hand on a weapon and just begin the bloodletting.  God love them…
No idea what name she has selected for us.  I’m sure it will be something appropriate, such as “Heads on Pikes” or “The Garrotes” (which kind of has a nice ring to it if you ask me!) 
As for the Squeeze’s team, from here on in, their team are to be known as “The Moodles”.
One fly in the ointment is that Vampire footed Kid, even though it is was his great idea, must forgo the fun.  You have to be 18 to play.  As you can imagine, he is impressed.

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Thanks. Better check it out but it should be up today!