Sheez I just realised...

I've been blogging for 8 years!!!!

And these are the days of our lives...

Ok.  Wednesday. Hump Day.  It feels as if the weekend will never arrive. I'm not sure what's wrong with me but I feel like I've worked enough!  And how come we are supposed to work until we are 70?  I can't get a real job now at 55, so who is going to give a job to a 70 year old!!

I've been tired all week (it helped not drinking last night...) but Hell, I'm exhausted at 55! Who the Hell can work until they are 70???

Yesterday after work, I had to pick the car up after a service.  Today, it's take Sharpie in for his immunisations and pick up pants for the squeeze.  Tomorrow I've got the dentist.  Friday the hairdresser.  And Saturday morning I'm getting new tyres!

Bring back the good old days I say.  Gone with the Wind style (except the war...) where Scarlett sat surrounded by men at a bbq!

Tired!! I'm going home!

Boy, I am exhausted today!  There is no escaping the reality that alcohol makes me tired...  I've been not drinking much lately and so on the nights I do drink, the next day I just want to crawl into a hole. I drank Saturday night and on Sunday I was fine, but after driving home I was stuffed. I didn't drink Sunday and I was alright.  Last night, I had a friend over and so I was drinking. Today I'm bloody tired!

I'm going to have to seriously not drink except Friday and Saturday night. Oh, and Wednesday when my brother and his wife and my son come for dinner! Not only does it make me tired, I'm basically incoherent when I try to speak. Articulation? What articulation! I keep silent because it so disjointed it hurts my ears listening to it.  Funny, I don't think like that...

At the rate I'm going I'll end up like the Squeeze, a teetotaler! Funny thing about it is Squeeze 1 & 2 are both non drinkers!!

Havana... My heart...

I quite like this song by Camila Cabello. Havana.  There is no big story here; I wish their was. I've never been to Havana or anywhere in Cuba but I wouldn't mind!  :)

The weekend went well... I zoomed off to Melbourne and back home again.  I wanted to sleep like a baby last night but I struggled; I'm not sure why.  I'm tossing and turning lately which I don't understand. I've been in the sleep of the dead for the last 3 years maybe I'm just coming out of it.  It is that or something buried deep is keeping me up, a warning or I'm worried about something.

But the weekend...  We did a lot of talking. 

So I am not thinking that he will just say "nah... sorry..." this time.  That isn't to say that he doesn't want to say it (and regularly) that means he'll fight it. 

Last week I wrote him a lengthy email in reply to his card. He'd poured his heart out and all I had said was "you F*cking bastard!!"   Which I figure didn't really fit with how I felt.  So I write him a long email and I get a reply: "one day at a time".  A five freaking word reply.

So that, and dog chasing (I'm looking for a little dog to keep Sharpie company while I'm at work!) was my weekend.  Every dog was too big :( so I'm going to have to keep looking!

Off we go... Weeeeee!

I'm off to Melbourne this morning.  For our one day a week catch up lol  I don't mind the drive but it would be easier to spend a couple of days instead of driving up there one day, and back the next.  He lives on the other side of Melbourne, so it like a 2 hour drive (that is if a butterfly doesn't flap its wings and everyone on the freeway doesn't slow down to look at it!) and the return trip the next day.

I'm not sure how this will work.  Squeeze II used be here every second and I wanted to scream: "I need time on my own; I've been single for a lot of years!"  Squeeze I; I don't see enough... I wonder if and when I'll ever be happy and get this mix right...

We have nothing really planned for today. I went through the Mexican cookbook which I'll take with me; so maybe do a little shopping to cook and play some music.  Maybe go to the market...

Claire (my daughter's best friend) is down for the weekend for her birthday. She's having a gig in Carlton so we may go and appear 'down with the kids' for a moment...  But that is it!

I'm going crazy...

I must be going crazy; my blog hasn't been working for the last few days... Stupid damned thing! But it is back! So...

We'll go backwards.

Let me say how grateful I am that its Friday!  Knock off time!!! Yay! I've been grocery shopping and now I'm home with a glass of red in my hand (and it is only 4 pm)!

I've looked about the house and it it looks surprisingly clean! Of course I'll have to vacuum up the never ending dog hair but that is a stock standard move at least every second day.  I could make up the oven cleaner that someone posted on facebook; or the foot treatment (same thing!) and then get the Mexican cookbook I bought the other week and go through it in anticipation of tomorrow; (sounds like the foot treatment in winning)

Then I'll cook dinner, watch television and go to bed.  lol Ooooooo sounds like a dream!  And there isn't a spec of sarcasm in that!

Yesterday, the old Squeeze, (how confusing; I may start calling them Squeeze 1 and Squeeze 2!) anyway, he went for a job down here which he thought he did alright. I guess it is anyone's guess. Part of me wants him to get it, at which point I'll know where we are and where we are going, assuming he doesn't be a gutless coward like usual... and dump me.  And part of me wouldn't mind if he doesn't get it.  I'm letting fate take me where it will!  But seeing each other one night a week is going to get real tired, real fast.

So he went for the interview, and then went to my house to wait my return.  I walked in to find him sitting in the lounge on his computer, buck naked...

It is one of the things I love about him.  His ability to do the unexpected...

This isn't him;  lol

There is no Hippo at my place and he has hair...

Okay... Going softly gently...

Alright.  I made my choice.  I'm going to go back to the old Squeeze; the one I started this blog for.  But... We got along great ever since I first met him about twenty years ago, which is probably why we were still best friends. It was the other bits where we didn't; his kid and ex-wife and my non relenting Rubik's Cubing of it all.

So what makes me think it will work this time..?

I don't know for sure.  He could change his mind; and I'm ready for it...  And not in a ugly way either, I'm just aware that it could all be for nothing.  I'd have told the new squeeze and said goodbye for nothing. My heart would be a little harder from being trampled on so many times.

But I don't think so...

His kids are grown, and that was a major issue; made worse by the reality that I didn't handle it as I should have.  Okay, I missed the opportunity to be friends with him but I can try it now he is grown up.  The two older kids, I managed quite well with them.

The Harridan.  I just have to learn that she WILL try to step in and fuck things up again. I don't know why because she sure doesn't want him, but in reality I don't think she will phase me that much. She can't really do anything; she has no more kids to throw at me :)

The best thing about suffering from Brain Damage (lol which sounds bloody hilarious); is the fact that instead of wildly swinging on an emotional roller coaster, now I'm even.  I haven't got anything to cry about and haven't had for years.  I don't get angry or feel angry anymore;  yet I used to feel it as a white hot needle in the eye!

He is going for a job in Geelong this week and if he gets it, we move into living together in a month or two. If he doesn't, we move into dating.  I'm ok with either of those scenarios but I guess if he gets the job, we start knuckling down and saving some money.  We have a very small window of opportunity to save...  It is nearly over now so I'd like to get on with the rest of my life!

Sleepless in St Leonard's.....

The alarm just went off.  It's 7.30 am.  Of course I set it to get up on a Saturday because I have to go to Melbourne; but then I've been up since 6 in St Leonards, grabbed Sharpie (the dog) and come home and fluffed around.  And getting up at 6 was the easy part.  Lying there awake since 4 am wasn't quite so much fun...

Why the sleeplessness? Well because I sleep like the dead for about 9 hours a night (which is better than the 10 hours per night I did the year before and the 11 hours the year before that and the 12 hours a night of drop dead sleep when my brain happened).  Because I find I'm having a dilemma...

It's great that there is a problem causing my sleepless nights; I don't think I cared enough about anything to cause myself sleeplessness so this year, sleeplessness through dilemma is as good as my first dream in 3 years!  Of course, not unlike the dream where I awoke and thought why couldn't I have dreamed of vampires or perhaps myself on holidays in Florence or... I dreamed about a muffin toasting (what can I say, I was dieting...)  but sleeplessness through something good never happens.

I've got to choose; that was what the tossing and turning was about. But there is a part of me that thinks I should be playing this song when I get to Melbourne... lol

Life is about to get busy....

I'm going to this 'toastmasters' public speaking thing and I have a mentoring session with someone from an agency to learn how to make interviews go well for me.

Will they work?  I have no idea but I've tried everything and none of it has.  Hyperbaric did appear to work and then it made me sick.  I thought it was oxygen!!  The salt baths; we'll see.  Having said that, it is 3 years since my operation. When I came around I spoke in tongues and couldn't remember a thing!!  So I guess it is improving; but I don't have time to wait it out! I want a job. I want a good job like I used to have!

It seems to be my thought process; well getting information from my brain to my mouth.  I never used to have a problem articulating what I wanted to say before this stupid brain damaged, but now, it comes out weird. I can't remember stuff or worse, I'm right into an explanation when it goes out of my head!

Next thing will be a hypnotist!

My confused fu*king life...

Ok.  I'm 55 years old. When is my life going to get simple..?

Yesterday started out as any other.  I bought the new squeeze a Valentine's Day card that said something along the lines of "I like your face!"  It is early on if you're wondering at my distinct lack of romance; and I got him a Ryan Adams record...

I got the ex-squeeze a card to, that said something along the lines of "we are still the same, only different..."  It had a Llama on the front so he would have enjoyed that, since I'm so scared of them!  What I meant by that is "now we are only best friends again".

Well then I came home from work; which is when all the fun started...

The squeeze called in after work as I have dinner with my brother, his wife and my kid.  Plus I had to do a website, so...  (And they had great fun in speculating about my love life!)

He is sitting there and opens his card saying that he was uncertain if I go in for all this romance stuff so he didn't get me a card...  However, he got the most important bit - a boxed set of Bruce Springsteen records and my favourite flowers.

 

I should probably point out at this time that I know I like him, but I'm on the roller coaster of like/hate.   It won't move into love for another month or so and that is if it does.  That is if he (or the original squeeze) doesn't do something to fuck it up!

So we have done our exchange when there is a knock at the door. Imagine my surprise when a big box crosses the threshold.  And I look at the Squeeze who gives me a blank look so I realise  that this stunningly gorgeous huge box of roses are not from him.

Which is when the confusion starts.

So knowing I have to get rid of the squeeze so I can think, I shuffle him out of the door with the pathetic excuse of the website that I have to do.  Which, I might add, I spent time on doing while thinking about what this all meant.

Then I opened the card that came today...  And my life takes a distinct downward spiral and has remained there ever since.

 

He is a writer; a bloody talented one.  I don't think there is any competition on the romance scale. He knows me so well, we were best friends for ten years before we even went out.

But saying he knows me so well is in understanding he knows exactly how to pull my chain. He knows what to write so as to melt me...  For me they are a statement of love; but for him... Just words.  After all, he managed to wed the Harridan and have kids with her, and eventually, she walked out on him.  So why couldn't he go out with me?

Because they are just words; harder to put them into practice...
Yeah.  "I can't stand the world without you!!"

Frankly, I think I would be better off being single!

Curse and rot...

Curse and rot my stupid brain!  I got rung up about a job; the first one for a while and one that I'd really like! But my brain turned to mush which means I'm going to have to reevaluate what it is I want to do.  The problem is I liked project management!  But struggling with speech is killing me on that front!

So what can I do..?
Maybe I'll have to go back to school...

What I'd like to do is a graphic artist and be in the back office so I don't have to talk to anyone!  I've got the skills, well mostly.  I continued with my graphic art even when I was a project manager. I just gave it the 'visual' flair and I intended to again. 

Crap...  Stupid brain damage!!

Driving along....

Yesterday I went to Melbourne with the new Squeeze. We just zoomed up there to take a sofa and some stuff to my daughter so we were up and back before 2.  We stopped at a market on the way, but I don't think I was in the mood to buy...

WTF is wrong with me!
No spending!  Take my temperature!

Today it is go to work, followed by coming home to do a quick clean before I host a party for my niece. Oh, I hate these things! A Thermomix party.  And they cost a fortune!  I figure you have to be young, and have buckets of kids or just rich enough not to give a shit what you spend you money on! 

But I'm having it for her anyhow! The only light will be the champagne that Renae and I manage to guzzle!

Jar of Hearts...

The new Squeeze has gone to fix a roof.  I'm cooking dinner.  Ok I'm at a bit where I'm waiting on his before going any further so I came in to the computer to watch a bit of The Voice.  I'm not full on; I don't watch it on tv preferring to see the great ones on here... Which led me to Jar of Hearts...

Oh I loved that episode in Glee where she sang that!!!

F*ck it...

I was going to do more rain songs of which there are hundreds of them!  Believe me, I researched them!  After gathering a list of them and putting them in here I deleted it and instead, I thought this would be good lol

Okay.... Some people don't like Genesis....

Here is a few...

Ryan Adams

Beatles

Led Zeppelin

Carpenters

Eurythmics

Creedence

Yep.  This ought to please everyone....

But for me, I like a bit of Phil every so often!

In Too Deep

I love this song...

In Too Deep

Classic Genesis.  Aside from the fashions which are, in a word, dicky; it is a fantastic song that dredges up a million emotions and fits new ones with and around it!

Well the Squeeze, or I should say Ex-Squeeze told me this week he requires some absence.  WTF?  We are friends; best friends.  But apparently not anymore.  :( 

I hope your life goes exactly where you want it to go...

It is still cold...

We have gone from utterly sweltering to freezing... WTF? Isn't there an in between switch someplace that we can flick on?  Stupid really!

Last night I had people over for dinner and cooked Mexican. We had a great time with heaps of laughter!  I got this google thing which is absolutely amazing!  So I spent the evening cooking to the accompaniment of one or all of my guests yelling out "Hey Google! Play bagpipes!" just to see if it could!  Mind you; it does!  It also tells you how long to drive somewhere or how to make a drink or a pick up line or a joke or anything!

I kept thinking what a pity my Dad didn't live long enough to see it.  I bought my Mother one, but Dad would have yelled for it to play bagpipes all the time lol