Life. It's hard...

Yesterday, due to my depression blog, I heard from the Moodle.  For the first time since oh; at least January.  Maybe Christmas, he emailed me.

He wrote 'i don't usually reject someone's desire not to talk to them and I don't have any idea what drugs you were on then, but I just wanted to tell you to cheer up and remember i'm always there for you.  i'll go back to my room now...'

That single email told me plenty of things.

1.  He's a fool.
2.  He still doesn't punctuate his emails...
3.  I was unaware he had been told to leave me alone (something I don't regret, my Sister loves me and watches out for me).
4.  Sadly, I am stuck with him.

With that one 'I'll go back to my room now...'  I realised that I could live in Tasmania with him.  I could live there for fifty weeks of the year and not get bored!  I could live on any cliff or in any little hovel, because we are the same.

Ups and downs of life...

I've decided that there isn't anything that anyone can do.  The highs and desperate lows I'm experiencing are a part of life.  A part of this illness that sucks me to the end and back; and I don't know if I can take another day.

I haven't had depression since the last catastrophe that is this brain complaint.  I'd had 6 or so operations around the same time at least ten years back, and I didn't understand why where once there was light; now there was beige.  Worse that beige; black.

That time I pulled my life apart and walked away.  I didn't understand... Know.

This time I want to do that too.  I want to buy a little house in Tassie; by the water.  Have some chooks.  My piano.  My computer...  I want to write the days away...

But its a dream...

My life is as hard as it can be.  I want to escape, but is it simply 'new life' or 'running away'..?

So... Day two of the lack of medication is as black as it can be.

Yesterday saw me as high as I could get.
Now today, in the depths of despair!  I want to cry, for no reason!

So, its a waiting game.

Hurry.... Friday!

Well it's Friday.  Yay!

I'm up and off early.  I've got a meeting in Oakleigh with a friend for coffee, who then will go off and play golf.  I'll admit I'm not that much of a golf fan.  I tried to learn it a few years ago; I only liked the 19th hole (I'm not even sure that what the hole is lol) so I think that is my thing.  Even then, I think that is a next year thing since I can't drink alcohol!

Then I'm off to rehab.  Wonder what joys they've got for me today!

Then I'm off to Ivanhoe.

It's nice.  It's strange.  I have to keep myself in check.  I'll throw it all away if I don't.
I'm not unaware that I didn't even like the PI and I ended up crazy about him....   So I figure it is time for me to fall for a guy that is nice.  So I'm taking it slowly, or trying too.

Didn't get to sleep until about 3 am, stupid brain wouldn't shut up.  If I take there medication I'm sleeping about 14 hours a day.  I don't take it; I sleep about 6.  Why can't they have something in between?

Ahhh Alcohol!

Well I can't have alcohol.

Truth tell, I haven't had it since November; other than a glass of champagne at my brother's birthday in December and I was such a half wit then, they could have given me cordial.

Tuesday night The Yank came over (sorry, I haven't got another nick for him yet so I call him The Yank til I do; even though he has been here for over thirty years and has had 2 Australian wives!) and we downed red wine like it was going out of fashion.

What fun!  Except for I fell asleep before nine.

Worse that that, Wednesday was a blur for me.  I couldn't think; couldn't do anything.
Had a headache all day til I thought I would scream.  Then I went to bed early with the same headache so I just wanted to die.  I woke up this morning; you guessed it with the same headache til I began to wonder if I had done damage to myself.

I mean I only had 3 glasses but in December, the doctors said drinking is toxic for me.  I will go back to being a non drinker!  Looks like alcohol as a toxin hasn't finished with me yet!  So I'll have the best wine cupboard and porch anyone has seen.  Wine cupboard is full; so is that rack.  Back porch as 6 cases out there ready...  and I can't have any.

All in all, that's not nearly as depressing as it sounds lol

And even better, my love life is racing along.  It was date number five for us; and believe it or not, everything went well.  Tomorrow, I'm going to stay at his house...

Ummmm hello? Sweety....

The guy of the moment is coming for dinner tonight; although last November I'd have said I was a great cook, tonight, well, I seem to have forgotten how.  I'm okay once I get there but thinking of the thing to cook is mind boggling.  I've got hundreds of cookbooks here but I haven't opened any; too scared I'll get lost.

We are in sea saw phase.  It is always the same for me.  One step forward, ten back.  I like them; I think I'm better off waiting for my Prince.  Then whammy; out of left field I'm in love.

Thats probably why I wanted the Moodle back.  Although I was in hospital and brain frazzled, I sensed I would be safe with him and a little matter of the heart, being in love, didn't matter that much.  Not to mention I hadn't been out with anyone else; saving myself I guess.

Well the Moodle didn't want me; to the point of silence.  I wonder what I do to people that causes them to shut to door, lock it and throw away the key.

Oh well.  Life wasn't meant to be easy and in truth, it would never been easy with him.  I think he loved me as best he could but it wasn't enough.  Maybe now it would be...  Who knows and I guess I'll never find out.

So the Yank.  He is the next one; he has been here for over 30 years lol, yet still maintains the accent. He is sweet.  I think I'm due for sweet....

Can I go to work..?

I'm bored!  I sit at home all day and trust me, I find things to do, but there is only so much television and cleaning one can find.  Yesterday, I got out of bed and went outside to sit in the sun and do my homework.  Its all a bit too easy I think but there is reams of it!  From there, it was walking to Southland and looking what was on at the movies.  Boy, nothing...

Today, the sun is no where to be seen.  I got up and drove over to rehab number two.  Not the one I usually go too.  The Victorian Rehabilitation Centre where I see the Psychologist (the one where I usually go, left and they haven't found a replacement yet) .

She does these tests and there is no way to cheat the damned thing!

Boy; my memory leaves a lot to be desired!

The worst part, obviously, is the memory test.  Ouch.  She sits there and reads out twenty words or so; then I have to repeat them back - five times throughout the afternoon.  Needless to say it didn't get any better!  Four.

Still, memory is crap but I'm getting better.

Obviously I have to take it with a grain of salt because I some of it I couldn't do before I had brain damage!  In fact, I figure most of it I was crap at!

But...  My physical self is better than its been in a long time (except my vision!).  I've now lost about seventeen/eighteen kilo depending on the day!

Not to mention the guy of the moment is going to sort us out.  Me and Daughter. I can see us doing sit ups while he barks orders...  No so bad when he has a nice, slim body with muscle in all the right places.

The world turns...

Today I got up feeling; well normal.

Okay, I'm tired but that's part of the course.  My brain feels, if not then 100 percent, at least 80 percent, so I was on the right track yesterday with my mooch around in my pj's all day.

Rehab want me to write a story; just so as I keep my brain active.  I started one yesterday but although I want a horror, it has begun like a true story...  Even down to my personality changes.  I guess that is a horror in some ways.  Who else could this happen too?  No one right?

Well wrong.  There a hundreds of people worse off and blissfully happy.  I know, I've seen them.  That's one thing I've noticed, I take more notice of everything; everything!  But I'm okay on my own.  I'll live...  I won't fall apart.

A friend text me and asked me to meet her in the city.  I said no.  I'm not going to drive all the way into the city and there is no train near me.  I know myself.  Pre brain op I would have gone; been there... with bells on!  Now, no.  Now I weigh up the choices.

The good thing about all of that is my spending has crept down.  I've become 'careful' about what I spend.  I haven't even looked at clothes but I've wardrobes that run the length of my bedroom and there wedged in there so tight they are all creased!

Well...  Look who is all grown up.  It only took fifty years!

I apologise if my writing seems disjointed!  I'm trying!

Exhausted!

Today I have been almost dead.  So close to dead I'm speaking in tongues, or some weird mixture of guttural English.  I haven't got out of my pj's.  I haven't even brushed my teeth!  And its already night time again.

I figure it was going to Torquay.

I know my sister thinks she is doing the right thing by me but I drove 2 hours and then had a 5 klm trek on the Friday night.  It was wonderful at the time.  To sit in a restaurant and have a beer and fries is so damned normal!  I felt like a real person!  I can't drink wine with my brain so beer is the only thing I can have; and then its limited!

Alcohol is toxic for me; at least wine is.  And believe you me, I tested that right out with a friend of mine.  I got up in the morning feeling blah; seeing one of my groovy blackwood and leather chairs broken.

Bugger it.  Alcohol used to be the only thing that made the day bearable!

Then, the next day, we hiked 11 klm.

11 klms!  I must be mad!

Date night again....

Well it's date night again.
Funny thing, the guy took me to the same place as the last guy!

I'm going out again on Friday night.
To his place this time to cook...

Thunderbirds are Go

Well I'm sure the heading meant something...  It just doesn't have anything of relevance at the moment lol

This weekend I drove to Torquay.  Not far, if you shut one eye and squint with the other.  But far enough.  Made worse because I remembered that Queens Road would be closed... Or bedlam, so I had to cut back.  This meant that I drove about an hour, without actually making headway because I couldn't remember the way (not sure if that is before or after brain surgery!)

So I made it down to Torquay about two hours in, which isn't too bad considering that its the other side of Geelong on the coast.  My sister, who I haven't seen for a month, was pleasantly surprised when I kept up with conversation and cracked the odd joke.  She said that I was more like me; even though she had cried over some of who I was earlier in the piece.

My inability to be a human (I still think it, though it is getting better) was the major factor that she saw.

I am a human.  I am alive.  That's all I've got/

Linger longer

Today I didn't get out of bed until ten am.  Okay, unusual.  I woke up and watched more of  a show that has peaked my interest, but in reality, I spent about 11 hours in bed.  And that's not the first time...  Its rolling on.  I've crossed the bridge into normality.

I've gone from 'not sleeping'; we are talking physically exhausted...  Lying awake looking at the minutes tip over until I can't bare it; still awake at 2-3 am, only to be up at 7 or 8.
Cleaning the house and its already clean!  Making the girls bed!  And here I am.  4 or 5 hours a night!

So what has changed in the land of 'life..?'  Well not much.  I'm still here trying to get back to work before I become a street person!  I've had four months off on full pay and I've probably got another two to go - if I'm lucky.  But they won't sign off on 'back to work' so here I am, gym and housework fills my day.  My neuro wants to go and see my boss...  Which I'm figuring is the least he could do.

Why..?  Well of course, no one has mentioned how I've done this sixteen times at St Vincent's Hospital and not one issue; to one time at Monash (that became four!) and after Monash, I'm like the walking dead!  I can't think!  My brain is squewiff!  I can't think straight.

And it isn't even the first time, because I've presented at Monash's ED with shocking headaches and walking and talking like I've got a buzz going... Now my memory is coming back; it's ALL coming,  I took all my history with me and the woman I saw, a 2IC neuro, thought I was... I don't know what.  Perhaps I was faking it...

She sent me home, my tears not swaying her.  I couldn't even summon a smile when one of the nurses called her a bitch and did I want to talk to some one else.   Instead I went to St Vincent's where they worked out what was wrong and operated.

So... I linger longer!

Dating... One Two Three

Tonight I went on a date.

I wasn't looking forward to it but felt like I should go.  After all, one can make a million excuses as to why I shouldn't go; some of them, even good.  But in the end, I still end up an old lady living with ten cats in my dressing gown.

In truth, it was good.  It was nice.  It was...
I think I'll go on a second date with him.

Oh. Damn my back!

I love the thought that I can be anything I want; including flying at the moment.  I feel on a high; and I'm up there! Wow.

Well I could if I hadn't have thrown my back out!

I am feeling pain in my lower back; ouch!  So I went to the pool, albiet, had spa and steam room and waited it out.  I'm still wincing every time I move!

And then there was none...

I keep falling over.  It's not like me; bruises all over.  My daughter thinks I've got an issue with perception; but I think it a lot more simple than that.  I've been a klutz.  Either way, I guess well see when I see the nurosurgeon this week.

Yesterday I was at my brothers place.  We went out to the Begonia Festival, which although I thought would be yawn worthy, turned out to be fun.  We walked all over.  There was food, drinks and metal and wood.  We looked at a market, which I bought a toucan; the only thing of non necessity purchased since my 'awakening'.  We are talking $20.

I feel good; although alcohol is a no go zone for me.  I've avoided it like the plague; admittedly, I figure I need all my wits about me.  Saturday night I had a few wines at my brothers place.

And that was that.

I don't remember another thing, but my brother told me I was creeping through the house... Lost.

Ophatmology - Check!

Well yesterday, in between sleeping, I managed to do just about all that was asked of me at rehab. Sleeping because I lay awake to 2am and had to get up at 5 to take the boy to the airport to catch a flight back to Perth!  Then, it's home again to go rehab at the place I was staying at.

When I got home again, I sat on the phone for what felt like a lifetime and waited until centrelink answered.  That on its own, was no mean feat.  Then I went through the whole thing again...  I have to admit, the woman sounded friendly and she worked through my problem and got me where I was going.

Now I only have to rock on down there to prove who I am.

Other that that, I had to get my eyes test; or at least book in for it.  This sounds easy I know, but is as difficult has every other task that is set for me.  Mainly because I didn't know what ophtalmology is, let alone that I needed it!

I feel in some ways, that my brain is not mine; but I can get used to it.  My vision; that's harder.

The dulcet tones...

I'm sitting here listening to soft, melodic tones of Bach.  Of course it's on a mobile phone; scratchy and sounding distinctly not like Bach - and its not my phone.  Today I begin my phone calls; and I have list as long as your arm (actually I have three tasks but I have been trying this one for the last hour and I might not even need it.)

Kill.  Me.  Now.

Breathing a sigh...

My son has been home for the last week.  My God.  It is keep my mouth closed, keep out of his room and keep my opinions to myself.

All of those things, last year, I wouldn't have struggled with, except to tell him to push off.  Maybe keep out of his room (as long as the damned door was shut!).  But the new person that is me, doesn't seem to be the same.  I'm definitely more easy going.  I have changed; I'm quiet and thoughtful. Like to think before opening my mouth.

I am still out on whether this change in me is good. lol

I've got a date tomorrow.  First one in ages.  Will be interesting no doubt!  He has 6 guitars and plays and writes music.  I told him I'm off sick and that I lose my train of thought every so often; which he should take advantage of.  I may not be such a great listener when I get myself back... if I get myself back!

I remember...

I remember when I was a little girl and the things I did, shaped me.  You learned to save; or not save.  You learned to love; and get tired of it.  You learned a million things, but so did you siblings that each turned out different to you.

I wonder why?

One would think that if there were five of us, and we had to same upbringing, that we would all be similar.  Not so in my family.  One is married to the boy she met just out of high school, and she'd nearly 60.  One brother is divorced once, but married to a girl we're all crazy about.  Then there is me.  Married 3 times but divorced as many times and still can't get it right. One brother just divorced number two.  A sister is married to a man 20 years older than her.

How does this all prove we all come from the same mix.  Grew up in the same family with the same moral fiber lording it over us...  It doesn't!

Oh Oh....

Well I'm beginning to think there something wrong with my vision along with my chipped teeth and my aging skin.  I'm not kidding; I've aged 10 years in the last 4 months.

I keep falling over - flat on my face and the bruising up and down my legs, specifically my shins, tell there own story.  My daughter is coming to the doctor this time to ask him about it.  She knows I won't because I don't wan't to lose my license but I'll just keep quiet about that and maybe no one will realize!

It is a quiet Sunday.  The wind is howling even though there is a bright sun that burns you when standing in it for any length of time. Think I'll stay in from here. I went for an hour and a half walk with my son this morning; he's a good kid.  How many other 24 year old men, would give up their weekend to stay with mum.  Not many I'm tipping!