Apparently Size Matters...

Yesterday I listed my coffee machine for sale.

Perhaps I should put it into context… We were going out for lunch, so we dressed; I put makeup on, so we are looking good! We start off down the highway and when we are about halfway there, my brother-in-law calls. It seems my call to check the time we were expected caused a catastrophe. My sister went running for the phone, tripped and went down hard on the tiles. So, lunch is out and they are off to the hospital.

We were near JB HIFI when the call came so the Squeeze suggests going in for a look as it is end of tax year sales (June). So, we went in.

We were only in there half an hour tops! Came out, $5500 lighter… Came out with a new TV, Coffee Machine and new Sonos sound bar and a sub. I'm convinced those shops pump some sort of gas through the air-conditioning.

So, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my coffee machine. It makes excellent coffee. Every morning it faithfully delivers caffeine into my bloodstream without complaint. But apparently, we've reached that stage of life where perfectly good possessions are discarded because we've bought something else.

Then came the television.

Not because it's broken. Not because the picture is bad. Not because it catches fire occasionally. No. Because it's only sixty-five inches.

Apparently seventy-five inches would be better.

Now, for context, this television lives in the bedroom. The bedroom. You know... the room where you're supposed to be asleep for roughly a third of your life.

Our current television is so large that if I wake up suddenly, I briefly think I've been admitted to a private cinema. I genuinely don't understand how another ten inches is going to transform our viewing experience. At some point you're no longer watching television. You're being stalked by it.

Men have an extraordinary relationship with size. Cars. Engines. Barbecues. Power tools. If there's a larger version available, somewhere a bloke is already convincing himself he absolutely needs it. Which does not fit with the Squeeze. His weird relationship is technology… He couldn’t care less about Cars. Engines. Barbecues. Power tools. But put him near technology and he is preaching from the handbook!

"It'll be so much better." Will it?

It's the same Netflix. The same football. The same news reminding us that the world is on fire. Just... bigger. The funniest part is trying to sell perfectly good things online. Within minutes someone messages, "What's your lowest price?" I don't know, Karen. What's your highest?

Then someone else asks if I'll deliver it. For free. To the other side of Victoria. Another asks if it's still available, then disappears forever, only to reappear three weeks later asking exactly the same question.

Facebook Marketplace isn't a marketplace. It's a psychological endurance test. I swear it's designed to find out exactly how many stupid questions one person can answer before they snap.

So today I'm saying goodbye to my faithful coffee machine and trying to convince complete strangers that a sixty-five-inch Samsung Frame television is somehow inadequate. Personally, I think it's enormous. But apparently around here...

...it's just not big enough.

And my sister... A broken arm!

Getting Older Is Like Running Windows 95

When I was younger, I imagined getting older would be a graceful process.

You'd become wiser. More patient. More sophisticated. You'd sip wine, read books, and dispense life advice to younger people who'd finally realise how brilliant you were all along.

Turns out, getting older is less like becoming a wise elder and more like trying to run Windows 95 in 2026.

Technically it still works.

It just takes a while to boot up.

Every morning begins with a series of loading screens. Knees first. Then hips. Then lower back. My neck usually joins the conversation somewhere around breakfast.

If I stand up too quickly, my entire operating system freezes while it decides whether today's going to be a good day or whether it's going to throw an unexpected error message.

"Balance.exe has stopped working."

Then there are the updates.

I went to the hairdresser yesterday to get my lovely silver hair back. Instead of silver, it had developed a rather attractive shade somewhere between yellow and swamp water. Apparently it could be the shampoo. Or the water. Which means I now need a shower filter.

A shower filter!

When did washing my hair become a chemistry experiment? Nothing is ever simple anymore. I buy silver shampoo. Now I apparently need a different conditioner. Then a treatment. Then a filter for the shower. By next week I'll probably need a laboratory technician standing beside me with a clipboard.

Every problem seems to generate three more purchases.

I don't remember my mother needing an engineering degree just to wash her hair. Then there's the memory. I can remember the phone number of the boy who sat next to me in primary school. I cannot remember why I've just walked into the laundry. Or where I left my glasses. Usually, they're on top of my head.

I've reached that wonderful stage of life where I spend ten minutes looking for my phone while using the torch on... my phone. The body's no better. Bits of me make noises now. Not painful noises. Just... announcements.

Every time I stand up, my knees sound like someone slowly crushing a packet of barbecue Shapes. Apparently that's normal. So is discussing bowel habits with complete strangers. Nobody warns you about that.

At twenty-five, if someone had told me a conversation about fibre could last forty minutes, I'd have laughed. Now I'm contributing. Enthusiastically.

And passwords.

Sweet Jesus, the passwords. Every website wants a different one. Must contain a capital letter. A number. A symbol. The blood of a unicorn. The tears of your first-born child.

Then they ask you to prove you're not a robot.

At my age, I'm not entirely convinced.

Still, I wouldn't go back. Sure, the software's a bit buggy. Some of the hardware has seen better days. The memory's patchy. The maintenance costs have skyrocketed. But the older version of me worried far too much about things that don't matter.

This version laughs more. Says no more. Knows who her real friends are. And has finally accepted that perfection was never the goal. Besides...

Windows 95 may have been slow... ...but it still got the job done.

And so do I.

😊

Why Does Being Blonde Require a Degree in Chemistry?

I went to the hairdresser today.

Now, when I was younger, going to the hairdresser involved sitting in a chair, chatting about absolutely nothing for an hour, paying an alarming amount of money and leaving looking vaguely the same; just nicer washed locks.

Apparently, those days are over.

These days my hair has opinions.

I want silver.

My hair wants to be a swamp.

Somewhere between the shampoo, the water, the atmosphere and possibly the alignment of Jupiter, my lovely silver hair has developed an unattractive green-yellow tinge. I currently resemble an elderly tennis ball…

Poor Kim (my hairdresser) spent ages trying to rescue it, with first one stripper and then another (not the good kind either)

"It's probably your shampoo. It could be the minerals in your water. You might need a filter."

A filter. Not for drinking (I only drink bottled water). For washing my bloody hair.

I apparently need industrial water treatment just to avoid looking like Shrek's grandmother. Nobody warns you about this when you're young. They didn’t tell me about wrinkles. Or aching knees.

Nobody says, "By the way, your hair may one day react to municipal water supplies."

Every part of ageing seems to become a science experiment. You don't buy shampoo anymore. You buy purple shampoo. Silver shampoo. Clarifying shampoo. Moisturising shampoo. Shampoo that removes minerals. Shampoo that adds minerals. Shampoo that costs more than a decent bottle of wine (and I’d rather have the wine!).

Then someone tells you you're using it too often. Or not often enough. Or you're leaving it on for three minutes instead of four. It's like baking a bloody cake.

And don't get me started on conditioners.

Apparently, one repairs. One protects. One hydrates. One seals. One detoxifies. My hair has a better support team than I do.

The solution now appears to be fitting a water filter to the bathroom. I swear, by the time I reach seventy, I'll have reverse-osmosis plumbing feeding directly into the shower. All because I wanted to look naturally silver.

The irony, of course, is that the hair growing out of my head is naturally silver. Then, it turns into guacamole. Growing old really is fucked. Because every week you discover another body part that requires specialist equipment.

Everyone's Opinion Comes With Entrance Music

I've noticed something strange about the internet.

Nobody simply has an opinion anymore. Every bloody opinion arrives with entrance music.

You know the sort of thing. The metaphorical guitar riff starts playing. Smoke pours across the stage. Fireworks explode. Someone strides confidently towards the keyboard, points dramatically at an invisible enemy and prepares to deliver the hottest take the internet has ever seen.

At least, that's how they imagine it.

Nobody says, "I quite like this movie."

No. It's either the greatest masterpiece ever created or absolute garbage made by talentless idiots who should never work again. Politics is worse. People don't quietly explain why they support a particular policy. They march into the comments section as though they're entering a championship fight.

The crowd cheers.

The crowd boos.

Someone inevitably announces they're "destroying" someone else with facts and logic.

Nobody is destroyed. Everyone is just annoyed. The internet has somehow convinced us that every opinion deserves a dramatic unveiling.

It's all wonderfully theatrical considering most of us are sitting in our pyjamas with a cup of coffee and a biscuit that's gone a bit soft.

The strange thing is that real life doesn't work like this.

You can have a conversation with someone who votes differently, watches different television, barracks for another football team or thinks pineapple belongs on pizza, and somehow the world keeps turning.

Nobody needs theme music.

Nobody needs pyrotechnics.

Sometimes it's enough to simply have an opinion.

Colder Than A Witches Tit…

That is a teenager description, if ever I heard one; but that doesn’t negate the fact that it’s bloody freezing here. 

In fact it’s only 10 degrees but it feels much colder. 

I’m stilll in bed. I think I’ll stay here!