The Professional Wrestlingification of Everything

I've come to the conclusion that professional wrestling escaped the ring years ago and quietly took over the rest of society.

Not actual wrestling, of course. Nobody is getting hit over the head with folding chairs in Parliament. Although some days, I'm not entirely convinced that they shouldn’t be…

No, I'm talking about the “spectacle”.

Everything has become bigger. Louder. Angrier. More dramatic.

Nobody simply disagrees anymore. They destroy. They annihilate. They humiliate. Apparently, every argument must end with somebody being body-slammed into oblivion while a cheering crowd waves digital signs in the comment section.

Politics became wrestling years ago.

Then social media joined in.

Then the news.

Then celebrities.

Then influencers.

And now ordinary people seem to have joined the cast. Every opinion requires an entrance. Every disagreement requires a villain. Every discussion needs heroes, betrayals and shocking plot twists.

Even corporations have learned the game. Once upon a time companies sold soap powder. Now they issue statements. They take sides. They apologise. They clarify. They release carefully worded responses to controversies nobody had heard of six hours earlier.

Everything has become theatre. Nothing can simply exist without an audience. If a celebrity breaks up with their partner, we pick teams. If two billionaires have a disagreement, we choose sides. If somebody says something stupid on Twitter, half the internet grabs popcorn while the other half searches for a folding chair.

The strange thing is that professional wrestling has always known exactly what it is.

Entertainment.

That's the joke.

Meanwhile, the rest of us are pretending this endless drama is perfectly normal. Perhaps that's why everyone seems exhausted. We're living inside a twenty-four-hour pay-per-view event. And there are no off-seasons. No wonder people are tired. No wonder everyone is angry. No wonder we're all permanently waiting for the next shocking betrayal, devastating comeback or explosive revelation.

Personally, I miss boring. I miss the days when the most exciting thing that happened was someone forgetting to put the bins out. These days, civilisation apparently collapses three times before lunch.

And somewhere, in the middle of all this madness, common sense is lying unconscious under a folding chair while Karen from Facebook climbs onto the top rope to defend her views on seed oils.

Honestly, if aliens landed tomorrow, they'd probably assume humanity settled its differences through professional wrestling and YouTube comments.

And frankly, I wouldn't blame them. 

So You Want to Become a Professional Wrestler?

I suspect nobody wakes up at six years old and says, “When I grow up, I’d like to wear sequins and jump from ropes, on people.”

And yet, somewhere out there, a young person is watching grown men in tights insult each other before body-slamming one another through a table or chair and thinking, “Yes. That’s the career for me.”

Professional wrestling is fascinating because it might be the only occupation where being loud, dramatic and completely unreasonable is considered a job skill.

And I don't know; I'd say the money is pretty good. I mean look at The Rock...

The first thing you need is a name. You can’t just be Steve from Geelong. No. You need something terrifying. “The Crusher.” “The Executioner.” “The Viper.” Or if you’re over sixty and your knees click when you stand up, perhaps “The Arthritic Menace.” lol and you'd be too scared you'd break something so there is no jumping off the ropes for you!

But, then you need a costume. Normal people wear sensible clothing. Wrestlers apparently raid the reject section of Spotlight and emerge covered in glitter and fake leather and usually, bad hair.

Of course, wrestling isn’t just about athletic ability. It’s about creating a character. A villain. A hero. Someone the crowd loves or someone they desperately want to see punched in the face.

Come to think of it, that’s exactly how politics works these days.

Nobody debates ideas anymore. They create personas. They insult opponents. They perform outrage. Their supporters cheer wildly. Facts are optional. Drama is mandatory.

Perhaps politicians should simply stop pretending and embrace it.

Imagine Question Time with entrance music.

The Prime Minister bursts through the curtain to AC/DC. Which kind of reminds me of when Joan Kirner was premier; she dressed in leathers and sang Joan Jett, I love rock and roll. I think White was on guitar (the Minister for Health)

It was hysterical!!! I loved her for that... Joan Kirner

The Opposition Leader enters riding a Harley-Davidson while smoke cannons explode.

The independents come out carrying steel chairs.

At least we’d all know what we’re watching.

And unlike politics, professional wrestlers have the decency to admit it’s entertainment.

Your Opinion Is Not A Wrestling Personality

I have noticed something rather strange about modern life…

People don't seem to have opinions anymore. They become them.

Once upon a time, you could think pineapple on pizza was an abomination against humanity and still get on with your neighbour who thought it was perfectly acceptable. (I actually think its perfectly acceptable to; but I like heaps of chillis! So Pineapple goes out the window.

Now? Apparently, you must defend your position to hate pineapple, to the death.

Everyone has become a professional wrestler.

Not literally, of course. Nobody is leaping off the top rope in Woolworths. Although give it time…

But we have all developed wrestling personas. There are the heroes. There are the villains. There are the loyal fans. There are catchphrases. And heaven help anyone who wanders into the wrong corner of the internet wearing the wrong colours.

People don't simply disagree anymore.

They issue challenges. They cut promos. They deliver verbal body slams.

They announce that they've "destroyed" somebody with facts and logic, which generally means both parties spent three hours arguing with complete strangers while neglecting to empty the dishwasher.

The strangest part is that nobody is allowed to change their mind. Changing your mind used to be called learning. Now it's considered betrayal. You must remain faithful to your tribe, your team and your chosen champion until the bitter end.

Meanwhile the rest of us are sitting in the cheap seats wondering when having an opinion became a full-time identity. I miss the days when people argued, had a cup of tea and then moved on. Now everyone behaves as though civilisation itself depends upon whether a stranger on Facebook agrees with them.

Honestly, the only thing missing is entrance music, sparkly underwear and a bloke with a folding chair.

Why Is Everyone Filming Everything?

Nobody experiences life. We document it for strangers! I don't know exactly when it happened, but somewhere along the way we stopped experiencing life. Instead, we film it. Nothing happened that isn’t filmed or documented somewhere… If you pull your head back from the phone, you can see what is really looks like! Sigh...

Nobody just goes to a concert anymore. They record the concert. They hold their phones in the air for two hours filming something they'll never watch again while blocking the view of the poor bastard behind them. Annoying? Well, I’ve been that ‘poor bastard’ so yes. I’ve also had the pleasure of being the blocker at times… Jon Stevens on Saturday night, but I only filmed a little of it, just so the world would know I was there.

But that seems to be the way of it now. People don't go on holidays. They create content. Nobody eats lunch. They photograph lunch. Nobody sees a sunset. They film the sunset. Nobody attends weddings. They spend half the ceremony trying to capture the perfect angle for Instagram while the bride and groom are standing there wondering if anyone actually saw them get married.

My son got married last year, and the celebrant asked everyone not to film. They were getting millions of fantastic shots that anyone can have – they just asked everyone to enjoy the moment. Sans phone, at least for me, was fabulous. Well, it was after I got over the first withdrawal symptom!

I saw footage recently of people filming fireworks. Fireworks! As though there won't be another lot next year. As though their grandchildren are going to gather around one day and say, "Grandma, please show us that blurry video of New Year's Eve 2024 again."

And don't get me started on people filming complete strangers having meltdowns in supermarkets. Once upon a time you'd quietly think, "Hell, that bloke's having a bad day," and move on. Now everyone whips out a phone and hopes to go viral.

We're no longer participants in our own lives. We're unpaid camera crews. Everything has become content.

Birthdays. Engagements. Car accidents. Marriage proposals. Gender reveals. Funerals. Apparently, nothing is allowed to happen unless complete strangers can watch it later. And the strange thing is, I don't think we're even doing it for ourselves anymore. We're doing it for people we don't know. People we'll never meet. People who will scroll past our precious memories in about three seconds before watching a cat fall off a sofa.

Maybe I'm showing my age. But sometimes I think the best memories I have are the ones nobody photographed.

The holidays where nobody carried a phone.

The concerts where everyone sang instead of filmed.

The dinners where we talked instead of taking pictures of our food.

Perhaps memories were never meant to be content.

Perhaps they were just meant to be memories.

The Entire Internet Thinks It's WWE

I've come to the conclusion that somewhere along the way, we accidentally turned society into one giant WWE event. Everyone is yelling, everyone is angry and everyone is cutting dramatic speeches. Every disagreement has become a steel cage match. I don't remember signing up for this, but apparently, we're all contestants now.

Social media isn't a conversation anymore. It's Monday Night Raw with Wi-Fi. Nobody simply disagrees. No, they absolutely destroy someone. They obliterate them. They humiliate them. Apparently, careers are ended before breakfast and civilisation itself hangs by a thread every Tuesday afternoon.

The audience loves it. We seem to have convinced ourselves that every issue requires heroes and villains. Good guys. Bad guys. Cheering sections. Catchphrases. All that's missing is entrance music and a bloke with a microphone yelling, "Ladies and gentlemen, weighing in at 220 pounds and representing the Department of Outrage, please welcome Karen from Facebook!"

The news isn't much better. Everything is BREAKING. Everything is EXPLOSIVE. Everything is a BOMBSHELL. You'd think meteors were raining from the sky. Meanwhile, the rest of us are standing in Aldi trying to remember whether we bought toilet paper. Actually, I’m only guessing that paragraph because I don’t watch the news anymore! For that exact reason!

Celebrities are feuding. Influencers are exposing one another. Politicians are body-slamming each other on television. People are cancelling people because someone was offended by someone who was offended by something somebody said six years ago. Honestly, I don't even know who the dickheads are anymore.

At least professional wrestling has the decency to admit it's entertainment. The rest of us pretend we're discussing serious matters while behaving like fans in the front row holding signs and screaming for blood.

We've stopped talking to each other. We've started performing for each other. Every opinion is a promo. Every comment section is a Royal Rumble. Every news cycle is WrestleMania. Somewhere in the middle of all this madness, common sense is lying unconscious under a folding chair while twenty million people argue over who won.

I suspect if aliens landed tomorrow, they'd watch us for ten minutes and conclude that humanity's primary form of government is professional wrestling with smartphones.

And honestly? They wouldn't be entirely wrong.

😁

I have to say, "common sense is lying unconscious under a folding chair" is one of those lines I can absolutely hear in your voice.