Where the Hell Did Everybody Go?

A few days ago, 2,500 people were reading my blog every day.

Now there are 200.

Two hundred!

Apparently, I have gone from being mildly interesting to someone people actively cross the road to avoid.

I don’t know what happened. Did the internet hold a meeting? Was there a vote? Did 2,300 people collectively decide, Well, that’s enough of her?

It’s quite unsettling. When thousands of people arrive, you start to think you’ve finally cracked it. You imagine your blog spreading across the world. People in America are laughing over breakfast. Someone in Brazil is translating your wisdom. Hollywood may call at any moment.

Then you check the statistics the next day and discover you’re performing to a nearly empty room with one bloke asleep near the back.

Blogging is a strange business. You can spend hours writing something thoughtful about politics, ageing or the gradual collapse of civilisation—and twelve people read it.

Then you write two paragraphs about being sick, forgetting where you put your drink or producing an alarming amount of mucus, and thousands turn up.

Perhaps I’ve been trying too hard.

Maybe nobody wants insight. Maybe they want to know whether I’ve fallen over, forgotten something important or developed a suspicious rash.

So, to the 200 people who are still here—thank you. You are either exceptionally loyal or you haven’t worked out how to unsubscribe.

And to the missing 2,300:

Where the hell are you?

I’m prepared to become ill again.

Practice Makes… Noise

We had our first proper band practice.

Well, I use the words band and practice rather generously.

There were only two of us actually in the same room. The rest joined us through Skype from various parts of Australia, which sounds terribly modern and impressive until everyone starts playing. There was a delay, somebody couldn’t hear somebody else, one person appeared to be playing half a song behind us, and occasionally Skype froze someone with their mouth open.

It was an absolute dog’s breakfast—which, considering we’re called the Dog Latin Musical Collective, may be entirely appropriate.

And we sounded awful.

Not charmingly rough. Not raw and undiscovered. Just awful.

But we are new. We’re scattered across the country, we’re still learning the songs, and some of us—me—are still trying to remember which way up the ukulele goes.

Still, for one glorious, badly timed moment, we sounded almost like a band.

Then Skype froze again.

Trump Has Decided America Needs More Water

Donald Trump has apparently decided the United States isn’t big enough.

It already has 50 states, more than 340 million people, thousands of nuclear weapons and a military budget large enough to buy God a helicopter. But still, something is missing.

The Strait of Hormuz.

Yes, Trump has suggested that America could simply designate one of the world’s most important waterways as American territory. Because apparently international borders now work like Facebook Marketplace: if you see something you like, you just message the owner and ask, “Is this still available?”

Perhaps he was looking at a map and thought it was an oddly shaped golf course.

“I’ll take that narrow blue bit there. Very strategic. Great location. Needs a clubhouse.”

At this rate, no geographical feature is safe. The English Channel should probably change its locks. The Mediterranean might wake up one morning with a Trump Resort sign floating in it. Australia had better keep quiet about the Great Barrier Reef or Eric will arrive with a tape measure.

Trump seems to approach international diplomacy the way a toddler approaches a toy box. Everything belongs to him, and if anybody disagrees, he threatens to knock the entire box over.

The alarming part is that nobody appears able to tell whether he is joking.

That’s the Trump dilemma. Is this an official foreign policy announcement, an improvised threat, or something he thought of while watching television and eating a cheeseburger?

Nobody knows.

Including, I suspect, Trump.

There must be exhausted government officials following him around with maps, legal textbooks and blood-pressure medication.

“No, Mr President, you can’t just claim the Strait of Hormuz.”

“Why not?”

“Because other countries are there.”

“Move them.”

He has turned the presidency into a long-running reality television program called Who Wants to Start a Global Crisis?

Every episode begins with Trump making an announcement. Then the stock market collapses, several diplomats develop facial tics, and Fox News explains that this is all part of an extremely clever plan nobody else is intelligent enough to understand.

Perhaps tomorrow he’ll annex the moon.

It has excellent branding potential. Trump Moon. Gold letters visible from Earth. Entry restricted to billionaires, family members and anyone prepared to say he invented gravity.

At least the moon is currently uninhabited.

Although, given the direction things are heading, I’m considering moving there.

T-Shirts! I have one! Woohoo

Well, I've ordered one. Just to see what they're like. I have to work out if the ones I've ordered are 'the ones'. And work out the cost... But at least I've begun the process! I'll be the only one wearing a "Dating A Hunchback" t-shirt!

They Aint Kidding!!

I thought given how many visitors I get each month on here, perhaps I should do some hats or something equally as groovy. But my God! It's not easy! They want your first born or equivalent. 

First, you have to choose the type of hat; which I'll admit to not being a fashion icon, so I thought a beanie. But that made the logo look ugly. So, then I went for a bucket hat.

Freaking hell. There must be 50 styles of bucket hats with 50 colours.

So, I have stuffed around on here all morning trying to find a bucket hat that's just right! And I did...

Problem was that after getting the logo large enough dpi, and sorting through the colors it works on; not to mention wheedling out the mistakes (beanie) - then I had to go to a store and order it!

After 3 hours looking and working, I decided it was too hard, so I've abandoned it for the day. Means I get to practice my ukulele instead!