Wednesday, October 31, 2012

A World without Antidepressants

Sounds grim; I know.

Years ago I slid off the rails for a moment in time and went out with total dick.  Actually he was a private eye, so dick by occupation, dick by nature; and let’s face it; you have to have a ‘creepy stalker’ gene to get such a gig.

I went to therapy during the five years we dated because I needed to find the root cause...   He really didn’t feature in my sessions as anything other than a shadowy representation of my love life to that point.  It wasn’t about him, or those before him.  It was about me.  I needed to understand what was inside me that kept dragging me back into unhealthy relationships.

Did I find the answer?  Not really.  I felt like I had come to an understanding; maybe.  In the end, what did that knowledge change?  Contrary to popular belief, you don’t suddenly discover the cause and from that moment on, you’re just skipping down the path of life, carefree and laughing.

Oh.  Nor did I require antidepressants to escape that hellish relationship.  I use the term as a heading only to set the scene!  So I’m not swallowing handfuls of pills – at least not any more than those I should be having (which would appear to grow by several every year as your knees give out and your back starts to ache).  I’m not slashing my wrists or crying into my cups every night; yet something isn’t right.  Something is niggling at me.   A requirement for my good mental health is missing!

It is the evolution of care.

You meet someone and so begins the evolution.  “Friendship” moves into “hot”; “hot” morphs into a warmer “love”.  That “love” means you “care” a great deal about that person.  You want them to be happy; you go out of your way to ensure that happiness!  If they are not absolutely blissful, then you’re in serious trouble.  The relationship is floundering!

And therein lies my problem.  I evolved.  I morphed.  The Squeeze is still in the same place he began.
If you snap back through hundreds of blog entries, you’ll see that early on in the piece, I lamented the fact that the Squeeze uses a totem pole of “importance” as his internal/moral barometer.  Time has passed; we are living together... A family; yet it would appear that the totem pole has not altered.  This basically means that I come in last.  My problems are addressed last, and only if they don’t affect the problems of kids/ex-wife/family.

Well Hell, shouldn’t I have made it up the pole by now?

Let’s look at it rationally; (or as rationally as I get I suppose…)  The other night he mentioned that every night I begin a conversation that has something to do with the ex-wife/kid/kids.  Of course he was exaggerating and I don’t consider “any news from the Harridan..?” to be a “conversation” – but in some ways, he was correct.  She is often between us.

What the Hell does he expect?  We argue over her telling us that the kid is staying all of next week.  He sends a text to say “yeah. At your place” – but gets no reply and gives no follow up.  That’s not organised!  That is leaving a loop hole!  A slither of opportunity for her to seep through!  So I live on edge – until it is “organised”, I worry what is coming at us next…  So I ask!

It seems pretty reasonable to me.  I’ve said from the start – this is what I need to be able to make this work.  Much of those requirements laid out at the outset have not eventuated.  I’m not sure if he figured I’d just forget about them (in a pig’s eye) or perhaps if he ignored them long enough, I’d get tired of asking/whining/complaining.  (Yeah, good strategy…)

This morning, for about the millionth time over the last couple of years, I walked into the bathroom, picked up the bath mat, folded it and hung it up to dry – in the very same place he retrieved it from.  The very same place he has retrieved it from for approximately three years.  Yet it doesn't seem to have sunk into his grey matter that the bath mat seems to dry better hanging up; and even if it doesn't, the witch he is living with prefers it that way!

Same with the kid; I try to discuss work arounds but there just isn’t anything coming back at me.  Agreement followed by reneging   Then while hunting around for a birthday present for the Squeeze this afternoon, I realised what the problem was.

I care.  I love.

And his meter is set to zero.  Worse than zero!  It's in the negative!

If I had to pick a song that was him... It would be Running On Empty! - Because there ain't nothing there!

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Thanks. Better check it out but it should be up today!