Monday, October 10, 2011
When you decide to have kids, you do so in bubble of total ignorance. You have absolutely no idea just how much your life will change.
For myself, I freely admit that I never really thought beyond that flesh and blood miniature, smelling of baby powder. (for the record, none of my children look like me – which basically means I must have the weakest genes on the fact of the planet!)
Some 27 or so years later; trust me, I’m well aware of the impact that decision has on every single element of your life.
They are, without doubt, financial and emotional vampires.
You worry… Constantly… About everything! When they are young, you pray for the day they become adults, because then they are their own responsibility, right? Wrong. There is no magical moment in time when you wake up and cease to worry. There is no drum roll before the dull moments suddenly begin; there are no dull moments! The emotion remains as raw when they are in their twenties as it was when they were defenceless little babies.
And in the world of emotions, I freely admit I’m an emotional sponge. Each of their pains and hurts become my own. In fact I wouldn’t be surprised if it is worse for me. My lioness instinct; what the Squeeze makes reference to as my “Murdoch gene”, in reference to the leaping lion act of Wendi Deng Murdoch, leaping to Rupert’s defence, is alive and well.
But hey, hurt anyone I love and I will want to hunt you down and kill you. So in fact, it possibly is worse than wearing the actual heartache! They only have the pain to live with; I have their pain and my desire to go on a rampage with my Louisville Slugger.
I’ve felt heart ache and it is all encompassing. You are immersed in it – and believe me; the Girl of mine is totally immersed… She is literally treading water in the murkiness of pain and sorrow.
And I feel every damned second of it. Am drowning in it. And what is worth, I see that they are both to blame; the immaturity is astounding. And I feel for both of them; they are like little kids ill-equipped to deal with the real world. How did that happen?
Here I am at work, eyes tearing up. I think if someone looked at me sideways, I’d literally burst into tears (hope you are reading this Moodle!)
It all just seems so hard. I never got a bloody user manual; none of this was in the ‘So, you want to have a kid…” brochure! In fact, there wasn’t even a brochure!
Posted by Mistress at 3:37 PM