Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Can I Tame the Tongue?

Is that even possible for one such as me..?  I don’t think so.  If I think it, I say it.  I can’t help it; and it’s not like I haven’t been completely honest about who and what I am.  I have told the Squeeze many times, “if I think it, I say it.” 
But maybe I should try not to…
Sigh… That is so much easier said than done. 
The other day we were out walking and I was having a one sided discussion about a strategy for getting the tent back.  I know well how I sound whenever her name falls into the dialogue; my voice is cold, modal.  There is nothing hidden with me; I sound exactly like I feel.  Lydia the Cold Hearted Bitch, my other personality, has me in her grip…
When he suggested we change the subject we fell into silence.  The quiet moved into uncomfortable as I watched his rat eyed syndrome brain search for another topic, I got to say “oh great idea, it seems we have nothing to say if not about her…”
But in truth, it’s not like I don’t know, see and hear what I sound like.  I’m like a Lotan when I’m in a tirade.  For those that don’t know or are going to jump to, a Lotan is the seven-headed sea serpent or dragon of Ugaritic myths, which is neither here nor there but can give you a visual of just what the Squeeze is dealing with.
So at the conclusion of the walk, I give myself a stern talking to.  Right-e-o.  I’m going to just shut my face from here on in.  If he wants to roll over, mess his curls up and piddle down his leg in fear whenever the Harridan demands he jump; if he wants to leap through hoops of fire only pausing long enough to grab wads of cash out of his pocket to throw at her on the way through, ducking and weaving poison darts – well power to him.
And then Saturday came and the market and the lying and the ‘UGG. RING’ and I tried.  I seriously tried to curb my tongue – and I mostly managed.  Yes I gave a comment or ten re his ungrateful kids and the lack of a father’s day present.  I muttered a bit about the lack of moral compass that allows her to tell a kid to lie to his father, not even pointing out how wrong that is to subject him to being forced to choose sides… 
Hell, I even pointed out that she is an utter moron, because what was ‘moving to the hidden house that we don’t know about’ actually going to achieve..?  It’s not like the older kids didn’t tell him.  And since she is too tight fisted to actually do any dropping off or picking up, how was she going to cover that..?
Yes.  She moved.  Big freaking deal!!  She is obviously too stupid to work out that we don’t give a hoot what she does!  Other than what pertains to the upbringing of the kid – something I am not seeing her excel at I might add. If she wants to move to a lesbian commune, power to her!
Then we got the ‘UGG’ on Sunday night and I went off my rocker with his “she can wait til after the show” line; said with such masculine delight - moron. 
So my taming of the tongue didn’t get to last more than a day or two.  And that is how it always is!  In my defence, I am dealing with an extremely bitter, mentally unstable woman and a man who has endured the bitterness and deranged personality for 25+ years. 
He is conditioned.  Knee deep in Stockholm Syndrome.  He is so conditioned he is almost begging her to throw that curly headed moodle into a sack and toss it in the river, pausing for a second or two just to watch it drown. 
And he’s too stupid/fearful/moodle-like to understand that the more he capitulates, the more she hates him.
I have a theory on this.  She is similar to my older brother’s ex wife who is affectionately known throughout the family as ‘the fat brown toothed slut’.  I began my theory with her but it still holds.  The Harridan and the FBTS are so alike that they could be sisters.  They are both over bearing, opinionated harpies that rather than face the truth about themselves; rather than admit to their own selfishness and subsequent ruination of their marriages – turn on the attack.  It is such a chore being perfect, in believing you are perfect and always right.  When your actions prove that you are a long way short of perfect, you can’t admit that your life has been a lie – so the only option is to blame someone else.  I watched my brother bend over backwards, repeatedly – and the more he did, the more she hated him for it.  Guilt.  Now I watch it with the Moodle.
I’m hoping that in the end, the Squeeze turns out like my brother.  Since that time (and it took forever) he has met someone, married and shut her down totally.
But yesterday the Squeeze was off to see the doctor for a referral to another “nut doctor”.  This time, it wasn’t about ‘relationship’ counselling, because that’s pointless.  Our relationship isn’t the problem – mostly, our relationship is damned near perfect.  Our problem is in his inability to separate emotionally from the Harridan and shut her down – and I think we both know it can’t work while he remains in that state.
Last night while getting dinner ready he mentioned that he told the doctor that he had trouble wanting to please everyone; that it didn’t matter what he gave her – it was never enough and that I go ballistic at him and if the rest of the relationship wasn’t so good he would walk…
That meant I had to leave Taming the Tongue until today – because I shouted his damned head off.  Idiot.  He isn’t trying to please everyone!  He is a moodle trying to please his soon to be ex wife!!!!!  And I won’t stay in a relationship where someone else rules his, and by default, my world!
Why did I get stuck with the damned Moodle!

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Thanks. Better check it out but it should be up today!