Fairy Tales & How It Began

I thought it was time that I give a little history about who I am and how I came to be.  Given that I’m an emotional person; (a marshmallow the squeeze calls me) and he is an emotional husk (at least on the outside).  How does that work..?

Weirdly; it works very well – but it’s not without effort, that’s for sure.

I am aware of my need to examine every word spoken or written – looking for the real meaning…  We call it “Rubik’s Cubing” and the description fits very well.  Sometimes, I can almost hear the ‘snick’ turn, ‘snick’.  The problem with this method of thought is that you over think everything; more often than not that stupid, off the cuff comment that just shattered my heart, really was just that – a stupid, off the cuff comment.

Hell, with the squeeze I’m beginning to get used to the fact that he really just doesn’t think before opening his mouth and letting something completely brainless leap out.  However, I regress.  I wanted to talk about how I came to be this emotional, Rubik’s cubing, roller coaster ride.

I blame most of my woes on the fairy tale conspiracy; that unshakeable knowledge that love conquers all; life ends with happy ever after.  That is how I was raised.  Of course they never wrote Cinderella II; her life with three kids, a sick dog, bills to be paid and finally, the discovery that the Prince is humping his PA.

I should point out at this point in time that due to the fairy tale conspiracy, I had been married three times by the age of 28.  This is fine if you are a movie star however, for a normal woman it offers no more than a way to wow guests at dinner parties.  I was no Za Za Gabor.  I didn’t get to be a brilliant keeper of houses, for my husbands were not rich.  I was in love.  That is what I do.

Up until now, my life has played out like some pitiable sitcom. Comparable to ‘Friends” – everybody watches, but no one on the planet really lives like that. Except in my world, my sitcom is real.  I really have dated, and in at least one instance, married the scum of the earth.  I once spent years dating a PI who was a total narcissist.  Why?  I’ve no idea really.  Initially, I suppose it was because I felt like Miss Scarlett in the ballroom with the dagger – it seemed exciting.

There is an old saying: Opposites attract. Looking back, I think everyone I have ever been out with has been my opposite. 

Armed with my fairy tale theory of ‘love conquers all’, I am incapable of understanding someone that has never experienced love; or has trouble expressing it.  I remember a song with the line: “if love was red, then she was colour blind.”  That was most of the people I have dated - colour blind – and I saw everything in rainbows, so colourful that it could burn your eyes.

Often, I have wondered if I am a journey that no man has a map for.

Although I have no intention of Rubik’s Cubing just how opposite the squeeze and I are – I understand that the romantic husk, is a façade.  One that I think he enjoys – yet the issues within our relationship are not because he has an inability to love; it is that he is fearful to let go of the past.  And we are conquering that.  I’ve always known that if we could muddle our way through; if I could wean him off the wife – then we would have a perfect relationship.

Well, weaning and learning to shut the hell up until he has thought about what is about to jump out of his mouth…