Risky Business

Every so often, I stumble upon an absolutely perfect piece of background music...  

We seem to spend our whole lives searching for ‘the one’.  That perfect person who may or may not be perfect, but are perfect for us.   A soul mate, or hell, maybe just someone to banish that crushing loneliness that has us signing up for ridiculous dating websites. 

Everyone is searching for a Squeeze – and I have found my very own ‘one’; and I honestly haven’t had a lonely minute since.

I guess you are wondering then, what my problem is...

Well; last weekend there seemed to be a cast of thousands that went all the way through to Tuesday.  I didn’t have a moment’s peace during those days and I had quite a lot of cleaning after.  The cleaning is never pleasant; not when you have a houseful of boy/men. 

For some reason that I am obviously incapable of fathoming, they either whip their ‘wang’ out before they actually get to the toilet bowl, or they are so eager to be gone that they don’t stand in the position for the whole performance.

And not a single one of them will look down and think “oh hell!  Look at that!  I pee’d on the floor; I’d better mop that up...”  So groggy with sleep, I stumble out in the middle of the night, only to step in a puddle of urine or worse; drag my pj’s through it.  Charming.

After a weekend like that, you would think I’d get a well deserved break; but no such luck.  Instead, the Harridan and Squeeze played a game of ‘let’s spin the “on the fly wheel of fortune”’ and it landed on a ‘Kid 3 weekend’.  Great.  Stupendous.  Thrilled.  As you can imagine, the only loser in this game is me, and I’m not even playing.

What this loosely translates to is not only will I have pee on the floor, but I will face a non flushed toilet; there will be nonstop television and a constant reminder of not taking food or drink into the bedroom (which is ignored given the drip marks I had to scrub from the carpet last week.)  If asked to do anything other than eat or watch television, it will be met with belligerent teenage refusal which in turn, will have my stress levels sky rocket.  He will arrive for a weekend stay with no socks or jocks and no jumper so proceed to take the Squeeze’s.

We will be standing around, waiting for at least half an hour – every single time we want to go somewhere.  This weekend, I have decided I will leave without him if given warning to be ready is ignored.  Maybe then he will get the idea.

Yesterday, the Squeeze sends me an email at work to say that he was going off to a comedy show with Kid 2 and 3 and did I want to go as well.  I thought about this for all of 1.7 seconds prior to replying “go bond, run free” and set about planning on having a night at home...  On my own...  Not a drop of pee on the floor.

As he left the house, I’m sure he could hear my cry of woohoo, before I started singing the old Bob Seger hit.  I had a night in, revelling in my total isolation.  It was a thing of beauty.  I put on a face mask; a hair treatment and fluffy pj’s before pouring a glass of red and sitting down to watch Smash.

I was lonely when single..?  Just when the hell was that!!!