Thursday, April 5, 2012

Liars and Loyalty

The perfect background music.  
There have been odd moments throughout the last couple of years when the Squeeze has implied that he is 'caught in the middle' of an argument.   This is never more apparent than when he opens the door after a visit to the nut doctor.  Then; over the course of a couple of days, I get a discussion that encompasses a napkin sketched issue in his life.  Thick black lines.  I can see when stress is paramount; as the line darkens and thickens.  It is psychoanalysing by crayon.

Mostly, I struggle with the line art.  Mainly because it is coloured in the Squeeze's somewhat philosophical tones; is is a fiction writer after all.  Although I recognise that these are his sessions and he can therefore add any flavour he wishes, I'm not blind to the fact that I usually come out in a negative light and it is difficult that I am not there to give what I consider a "factual" picture.

For example:  In planning for Easter dinner, I happened to ask the Squeeze if Kid 2 and his Gal were staying the night to which he looked at me rather blankly and said "isn't the girl staying..?"  My reply:  "not sure, but if she does there is a blow up bed!"  After all, if Kid 3 on my side comes to stay with his gal, his kid get's the blow up bed.  As far as I can tell, there are several 'pecking' orders.  1.  First in;  2.  Multiples - if they are bringing a partner;  3.  Age.

And the Squeeze turned to me and said "I didn't ask them as I figured you'd shout about it."  WTF?  Aside from the fact that I am scrupulously fair, if his kid has to abandon the spare room for my kid with girlfriend, then it goes without saying that this would happen in reverse, and the girl would lose the spare room to his kid and gal.  More than the reality of those facts, was how unjust those words were.

So I poured another glass of red and settled back to mull those words; understanding that this is what the nut doctor hears and this, from my perspective, is an outright lie.  Hell, he must figure I'm the Harridan!!!!!  Any negativity centred around kids staying has never been in regards to Kid 1 or 2; but always on Kid 3 where the Harridan stuffs us around, swapping weekends willy nilly with no consideration for anyone.

Still, back to the nut doctor and the life drawings.  Never, am I the central figure in these stick figure Picassos.  I begin to see that I never will be.  I am always in a line; a group.  With Squeeze; with kid; with Harridan.  It would appear that I will never have my own place in this world of Etch-a-Sketch.  I am habitually relegated to the antagonistic third wheel position.

In the early part of our relationship, I would attempt to discuss my thoughts (which sounds calm however usually consisted of yelling) that I would never figure on the "Squeeze" totem pole.  His positions of "importance'.  I'm beginning to see that this hasn't changed much with time. /span>

Somewhat stupefied, I'm at a loss to understand the art; I always have been.  For me, there is no "middle".  There is he and I; and there is the Harridan; there are kids.  His and mine. End of story.  Then again, my brain has always worked back to front, or at least not how the rest of the world works.  The totem pole analogy works well. My children; my family are integral part of my world and life; my totem pole.  But they are not the only part. 

In my naivety; I had hoped that the Squeeze seeing a counsellor would help him understand that the Harridan no longer held the reins in her hand; or if she did, he didn't have to allow it.  The whip could be tossed aside and for the first time, he could begin to live.  And if you have travelled this road with me, via my blog; you will understand just how damned hard that education has been.  He went from being tied to the stake in the pryer; to clinging to it and helpfully tossing her the matches.  Prising his fingers from the wood has been a thankless task that continues.

On occasion I have had suspicion that the Harridan was arguing just a ferociously from her side of the fence about me; putting him 'in the middle'.  I asked because in my world, his loyalty should now be centred around us but that has turned out to be another exercise in 'Relationship 101'.  Each time I received a negative; she made no reference to me at all.  Still, it usually struck a chord of untrue.   In typical Squeeze fashion, he evades; without skill.  He ducks and weaves.  He is an incompetent liar. 

After Bun Hilda was raised, he made an offhand comment that indicated that he had known that this was how I was portrayed by her.  I let this mull in my mind for a few days and then asked outright.  In his haste to weasel out of trouble; doing his infamous 'rat eye syndrome', he mentioned that he has seen the terminology previously; probably on the kids phone.  Or her phone.  Or written in the stars or the tea leaves!  Do I really look that stupid?  He drops the kid off and she won't even let him in the house; so it was a given that he didn't see it on her phone.  

Which means that she has entered my phone number into the kid's phone as "bun hilda"…  Could mean Broomhilda the witch, or could be Brunhilda, a Visigothic princess.

Okay...  So I can be a fat, green cartoon character witch with a wart on my nose; or I can be a Visigothic ice princess (Google image search left)
Yes please!  I'll take that!!!

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Thanks. Better check it out but it should be up today!