Monday, March 14, 2011

Groundhogs Day

Weird.  I have spent 1.5 years on the same wheel.  I’m a mouse…  A hamster!  A furry rodent! WTF?
I used to be tough!  Mind you, I used to be slim too and those wheels have most certainly fallen off.
I’m bloated!  And it seems that everything else goes to hell in a hand basket.  Too fat to lean over and do a pedicure.  And if you think on it, what is the point of dressing up when everything looks like crap?
And then there is the sway on things.  Is this me in a funk, or me finally admitting to what I’ve known the entire time?
Reality is that I know my propensity for drama.  When I’m happy, I tend to rip down my life.  I don’t deliberately set out to self-destruct; it just kind of happens.  Upside is I lose weight, but surely dieting would be easier!
And I know I have to weigh it all up and make an informed decision.
But hell, when does it stop being ‘self-destruction’ and become ‘self-preservation’?
Something is missing with the Squeeze and for the life of me; I don’t know how to fix it.  I don’t even know if it can be fixed.  And at the end of the day, I’m not sure I want to be fixing something all the time – it’s beginning to be bloody hard work and when all is said and done, I have done the hard road!  More times than I care to admit.  I want something easy; to be in love and know that they love me.
We had a high level discussion this morning regarding a “what if”.  Say I got a job 1.5 hours from here – which is a possibility; I’ve a yearning to move to Torquay; be close to family – obtain a lifestyle you can’t get in Melbourne.  So he pipes up to say he would have to think about the impact on his life and family before deciding if he would move or not.
Personally, I’d have thought that titbit could have been announced prior to me applying and going off for an interview; but to each their own.
It’s not like we would be moving to the moon.  But it certainly would impact the harridan.  Her ability to call him at the first sign of the kid’s runny nose to tell him he is taking the day off work to baby sit (a fourteen year old…) would certainly be more difficult.  As would the “do this/do that” text messages.  I see that as a bonus for going.  He sees it as a minus – that he wouldn’t have as greater impact on his kids’ lives (be a slave).
For me, I kind of figure that ending things with me would have a far greater impact on his life than he expects it would but, we all make our own decisions.  Luckily we were walking in the sun as we had the discussion and my watery eyes were hidden behind my sunglasses – but hell, what do I have to do to move into the area of “important” to this person?  And when do I just give up trying?
In the end, I decided we would each just to do what is right for us. 

For me, I’ve put up with dating a whole family; complete with nagging wife – for far too long.  If I get offered the job; I’m taking it.  Aside from that, it is a fantastic opportunity.  And if what we have doesn’t mean enough to him to come with me, then I guess that is that. 

I did say there is no point in a long distance relationship.  I don’t want that and have no intention of living like that.  It’s bad enough now with the divorce, financial discussion and superannuation policy updating that was supposed to be done in February – that is still not done.  And to be honest, I’m getting sick of hearing my own voice telling him it has to be done.
I guess fate will take me where it will! 

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Thanks. Better check it out but it should be up today!