Friday, February 11, 2011
Funny. Not sure why that song popped into my head when I sat down to write. Dictates my mood I guess. The squeeze and I, as a pendulum; swing kind of wildly from side to side. Still, eventually it must reach a finale. End, or next phase; who knows?
The trouble is, things seem fine one moment, but then erupt.
I understand how that happens. He is totally lost, but then again, it would require emotion to comprehend how it works; and he really is an emotional puddle. At odd moments, I almost feel sorry for him. It is like being picked up and thrown into a totally different world; where everyone speaks a language you don’t understand, but more importantly – you just can’t learn. You never will. Where you are colour blind and someone’s words are ‘red’. And for the life of me, I don’t know how to explain it. How do I explain the colour red to someone that can only see in tones of grey?
If I sit and think about it all rationally, I understand it quite well. I have an issue – or several. They all involve his inability to shut down his life with the harridan.
The issue is never resolved. Our cycle is that I erupt; I explain; he breathes all the right words…. Says all the right things… can shut it down; can move on – but of course, he never actually does. He can’t. He tries; he just can’t.
So how do I coast along happily? Because in reality, I have to know and understand that there is a reason that he can never put me first; that he can’t seem to shut this person down from interfering in our lives. Why he can’t stop paying for her. Why he can’t divorce her… Why he can’t put my feelings ahead of hers.
And it is in those moments when I face the reality of that truth, that it guts me.
It is at that moment that I walk away.
When we were friends, I pitied him. I pitied the fact that he loved a person that was so obviously unworthy of that love. I thought her a manipulative bitch who whistled through fingers every single time he even thought about finding happiness. And each time, he would shut the door on happiness and run home. Happiness for my moodle lasted weeks, then it lasted days – but still he ran home - bow tie; hoops of fire, and all.
Now I see why any life he could have of chosen would never have worked. Even if he hadn’t of gone home, I doubt many could have coped with this evolution that barely moves. I mean hell, we are 1.5 years in and discussing moving in together and he is still paying her health insurance. Has no hesitation in dumping me when commanded too; and doesn’t seem to understand or care about the damage that causes to our relatiohship.
Our relationship is like a bucket – full of water. Each time he puts me last; leaves me home; goes for the “happy family” option – he dunks a cup into the bucket and empties it.
I’m not sure how much is left anymore. But these days, I pity me.
Posted by Mistress at 8:22 PM