Yesterday ....

I got up, cleaned up and then went to St Leonards. 

I took Sharpie who loves a run on the beach and to sniff everything.  I went and picked my Mum up and took her and Sharpie to the pub (after a bit of arguing!)  :P  He is quite good at the pub, he just sits under the table outside and receives pats off gushing strangers.

We had a great afternoon!  One moment I'm sitting there listening to Tiny Dancer by Elton John, drinking a Corona; and I suddenly thought, I don't think I'd change where I am at this moment.

After a couple of hours we went back to Mum's where I washed her car and then I slunk off home.  I felt satisfied!

The weekend is here...

I have to wonder why I look forward to the weekend so damned much...  I'm not doing anything. At least not anything wonderful or fabulous.

I thought I had a lunch thing on with my sister Sunday but she's stuck at their investment property cleaning and won't get back (and I'm not desperate for company; at least not desperate enough to go clean a house!)   That means, from Friday night after my interview, I came home and there I will have stayed until Monday.   Well other than to walk the dog and go to the supermarket!

I wonder if this is the norm for single people...?

In the old days when I was single, I'd text one of my friends and go do something. Sure; I live in another town now and don't know many people which I guess is a problem. But how many close friends do people have?

Maybe I'm erroneous when it comes to memory, painting what didn't happen.  I think I had weekends on my own then; if I recall, I hated them.  Now, I like them fine.

My house is sparkling.  My yard is also sparkling!  It's three o'clock and I've got pizza bases proving in the kitchen.  I just poured my first glass of wine.  Does life get any better...?

Jobs and things...

I have a job interview tomorrow.  I'm not sure how I'll go because my memory is crap, and I can never remember what to say.  I've had about 3-4 interviews in the last year which have all gone pair shaped.

So; I'm not going to focus on it.  I'll go... I'll prepare... But I'm not holding out hope!

I had stayed at my sisters for the night as her hubby had gone away.  It was an enjoyable evening; in the country with the rain pouring on the pool and us tucked inside.  We ate and then put a spooky movie on (before she fell into a drunken slumber lol).   We got up at 6.30, ate omelettes and she went to work and I came home and walked Sharpie.

All in all, it was a good day!

Rings and things...

Last week I picked a ring up from the jewellers. It had two little stones missing and since it was tight, I didn't bother wearing it.  But I took it in and had the stones replaced; it is gorgeous.

Still; I wonder what causes someone to sell their jewellery?

I bought 3 rings of this woman in Sydney.  This beautiful diamond one, and two garnet ones. All rose gold.  I gave a garnet one to my sister and kept one.  It was twelve years ago, maybe more. You can't find bargain like that on ebay anymore  :(

Oh well!

Every so often...

I get tired of struggling through this life.
I wonder if anyone else does..?

The world turns…

Last night I had friends over for dinner and it turned out to be a fantastic night.  It was hot; a residue of left over heat from the day; before we freeze our arses off once again. 

I made garlic pizza to start and then we had lamb souvalaki.  As generally happens, there is copious amounts of wine drunken with food.  Because I finish early, I start drinking earlier and so I was half shot when they got there!   I started the pizza cooking in the oven and finish it off in the webber which gives it a beautiful finish.  I could have used my pizza oven but didn’t like going out and chopping wood, having it burn down and waiting for hours just for one pizza!

I asked Renee to check on it and she comes back in stating it will be ages!  (as she pours another glass lol)  I go out five minutes’ later and discover a crisp mess which we laughed about and then proceeded then eat!  It may have been well done, but it sure was tasty!

I bbq’d a leg of lamb on the webber and we carved it right there at the table.  

There is something to be said for a great night in with people you really like, cooking…  Talking about the week that was and making plans to come.

There was no sign of the 'black dog'...  It was a great day.

Seriously…?

Alright; I’ve been out with this guy a few times, he is 70; which in the scheme of things, is damned old.  I’m talking five minutes in and I would have been out there, looking again because he had popped his clogs.  So I more or less left it. 

He was a young 70 if that makes a difference.  He works at the mines and crawls around underground placing explosives here and there and then he watches it go boom.  He has flown all around the world to do it.  He rides a motorbike; young man toys.  But I couldn’t get past the thing of our ages; fifteen years doesn't seem much when your in your twenties but hey, one day your going to be in your fifties, and he's going to be seventy (and there will probably be no motorbike in your world!!).  Not that I was “in your face” about it.  I just let it die with the odd email.

Then, this morning I get an email of him.  This long flowing email; beautifully written I might add which is probably what attracted me in the first place!  But he basically says “farewell!”

WTF? lol okay….  I sent him an email back. I wasn’t going to but I thought hell, if it wasn’t there for either of us, we can be friends.  So I said:

“Chin up. It's not the end of the world as we know it.     :)

If you're ever in town and just want to catch up; drop me a line.

If not, I wish you all the best!”

And when I thought about it, I realised that is exactly how I felt.  I can take friendship or leave it; it doesn’t really matter.  

But then I saw the old me and I realised I’d have ignored him.   

Boy.  What a veritable shrew I was before!  I don’t mind saying I’m a different woman these days.  Probably a hell of a lot nicer, but more boring….

Up and down… Weeeeeeeeeee

If I was a roller-coaster, I’d be enormous fun!  I am so up and down at the moment it is not funny. One minute, I’m in the depths of despair; the next I’m rocking about the house to some weirdo clown music!

Okay; the clown music is not organ/carnival music, it is electric guitar and the clown is Puddles the Clown.  This guy virtually single handedly changed my perception of clowns.  I was coulrophobic; which in the scheme of things, means I’m a clown hater.  But anyone that has to hide their face behind all that makeup is a John Wayne Gacy underneath I think.  Still, I have to admit I kind of like Puddles.  You can search him out on YouTube; just look for Puddles Pity Party!

But I regress…

So I hit rock bottom yesterday and by last night, I am literally dancing and singing around the house with the vacuum cleaner.  I can’t think of any one thing that happened to make me so satisfied with life for that second.  I still only have my part time job with a miniscule wage that accompanies it.  I still owe on my house.  I’m still single.  I’m still waiting for my life to start up again!

And yet strange as it may seem, I like being single.  Oh not all the time; it is nice to have someone to go out with every so often.  Maybe see a band with.  But I’ve been out with a few while single this time and I think “nah…”

My house I’ll be paying off forever, but the alternative of not having one; being at the mercy of some owner or agent…  Kicked out when they feel like it and moving; packing everything you own again and again!

My job… okay the money is atrocious but I quite like it.  It isn’t too stressful and they gave me the chance to get my brain working again.

So that only leaves life…  And news flash!  That has started!!

A ‘black dog’ kind of week

Every so often I have a ‘black dog’ kind of week.  This would be one of them…

It all began when I missed out on the job I went for and I have spiraled ever since.  I don’t know how I am supposed to get a job when I can’t talk about it, well not at length anyhow.  As the people here would attest too, I can belt out a design quicker than most and they love them.

I am pretty certain I can still do project management; but there is a lingering doubt because I haven’t done it.  When I went for this interview, I said I have 11 years as a senior project manager for the largest health service in Victoria.  I know all too well everything that these people are going through; I’m living it!  And believe me, I do; right down to the speaking over me when I pause or when they stand in a circle, they edge me out just a little.  Oh don’t get me wrong; they don’t even realise that they do it!

It is stupid really.  I know I’ll get something.  I’ve got two years until things get dire but the reality is that I want one now.  I want to start my life now.  I want to be the ‘me’ that I’m going to be, now.  I want to be challenged!

So the black dog is on me and there is nothing, so it would seem, I can do about it. Just ride it out I guess!  Of course the upside of that is that when I get something, I’ll be over the moon.  Makes me think who I am is just around the corner!  And that only makes me more depressed!

Sunday... Again...

I've thought about just screaming at people to leave me alone.  Sort of like a "I am not an animal!!!" guttural cry.  I so needed time for me.  What with all the job hunting which drives you insane and takes it out of you!  But now I find it is Sunday, I'm home alone having walked sharpie and I'm beginning to miss hearing another voice!

Yesterday I went down to St Leonards and picked my Mum up and took her to the pub in Drysdale.  We sat outside, talked and gambled, all the while with the sun blazing down on our backs. When I say I gambled, I'm talking $10 and picking the horses by their names (I don't even look at the odds which my Mum frowns at).  Of course I didn't win...

I'm still no better or closer to finding work which sucks because it is the only way I'm going to fix this damned brain!

It is nearly three years; I'm 80-90% back; hell, I don't want about 5% of it back!!  The part that was a feisty cow!  But I want to be at 95%!

Depression done.....

Okay so I took a day to cry to myself. Well not really; actually I went home and did all the housework, had a bottle of red and went to bed!

But today I am back applying for jobs. Looks like I just have to get smarter...

:)

How? I hear you ask... Well I'm not sure.  Hypnosis or subliminal messaging, lol  I'll think about it today!

Depression: the ugly truth...

I went for a job today.  You might think that this is great; except it has depressed me no end...

It was for the Australian insurance agency.  A whole bunch of people with disabilities working there.  You'd think I would be shoe in for a job but in reality I think I'll have to abandon project work.

That's why I'm depressed.

It is what I know.  Just because the words won't come out of my mouth occasionally, and I can hear the way it sounds...  Boy.  Believe me.  I sound like a half wit.  But I know projects!  I'm doing all types of design work where I am!  It would be nothing to just move it slightly to the left; to project work!

So I trudged back to work; my nice three hours a day for minimum wage gig (the parking costs half of my wage!) and searched "jobs where you don't have to speak to anyone!"

Actuary, computer programmer, data analyst, horticulturist, janitor, software developer, statistician and a technical writer.

I don't want those and most of them needed a degree; so I'd have to go back to uni!
Well all except the janitor!!!!