Groundhog’s Day

Once again, life stops while we await the Harridan.  Who knows where the gun will point in this round of Russian Roulette; hopefully we will get some answers and I'll be able to work out what the next chapter in my life will hold…

I’ve had quite a bit of discussion with the Squeeze over the last few days.  No mean feat I have to say; he tries to squeeze lengthy Harridan conversations into a couple of words. This is his way of attempting to ignore the drama but from my perspective, it is like pulling teeth.  I've also done quite a bit of rubiks cubing too I must say; thinking of the options… twisting and turning my brain until it clicks.

I’m not unsympathetic to his pain and position.  I know that if I said “sure, let’s all live together like one happy family…” this kid would be far better off.  He’d be going to school with clean hair… his uniform clean and pressed; shoes polished.  Home-made lamingtons in his lunch box!  No kooky, velvet wearing hippy weirdo poultices or whacks to the head with dead fish – he would see a real doctor and take the prescribed medication.  And just for once, get through a winter without having to drown in his own mucus!

But then my life would no longer be mine…  There would be more work for me; more expense for me; more emotional crap to deal with.

I have had children since I was twenty-one years old.  This is ‘my time’; or is supposed to be.  Even if all the planets were aligned, I don’t want to go back to raising a teenager.  That isn’t even taking into consideration that this poisonous witch would then be firmly entrenched in my life. 

Every… single.. day. 

She would never relinquish control and just let us live in peace.   She is incapable of even a modicum of objectivity.  There is no us.  There is only her.  And then a poor second… The kid - all masked within her cloak of martyrdom.  She would be relentless.  The terminator, chasing down the car and hooking her greedy claws into the boot as we raced away.  There would be no stopping her.  She absolutely would not stop...

So if in a moment of weakness I feel like saying “oh Hell, let’s give it a shot then…”  I don’t.  I can’t.  Because I know that this would be Hell for me and this would end us.

And in amongst it all is the anger.

He is angry at me because he feels that I am putting him in the position to leave… Forcing his hand; changing our relationship.  He is no Mr. Romance, but beneath his moodleness and his inability to do a reasonable facsimile of Clarke Gable ready to sweep me off my feet, he is real. 

He loves me.  I am his best friend.

As for me; I am angry at him.  Because he is changing the terms of our relationship, forcing me to walk away from the person I love… My best friend. 

And in my head, it feels as though he is eliminating any chance we have of buying a house; risking the destruction of our relationship – and all so that his kid can go to a public school with a reasonable music program…

I hope it is worth it.