Sunday, December 9, 2012

All bets are off…

On Sunday, November 4, the Squeeze uttered the words that made my heart sink all the way down to my Greek slippers.  I’m sure I actually saw the pom pom’s wilt.  “Sit down, we need to talk…” – which accompanied him pulling out a chair.

That was 34 days ago; or approximately 5 weeks.

Since that time, I’ve lived on a roller coaster of not knowing from one minute to the next, what the Hell was going on or where my life was going.  I’ve had stress and angst to the point of heart palpitations.  I have lived on the edge of his irritation; directed at me because I don’t want his 15 year old to move into my 2 BR apartment.  Obviously he and the Harridan have absolutely no care at all about my children or my parents or my siblings having nowhere to stay if they come to visit.  Why would they get any consideration..?

Just as they sit for the tick box discussion, where 5 of those 6 tick boxes contains my name, yet I’m not entitled to be at the table discussion on my life or my home.

Me and mine do not exist on the totem pole.  I never will.

It is about my lack of compromise – except I already compromise every single second weekend of my life and have done so now for 3+ years.  I sacrifice my sanity to this utter Harridan who is unbalanced, intruding into our lives – continuously.   In an attempt to compromise prior to this being raised, I had suggested he take one or two nights a week to go bond with the kid – in a way that didn’t impact me.  But according to the Harridan, dinner and an activity doesn’t count.

She says it doesn’t count so of course, the puppet that I live with, mimics her words at me – even though he had agreed to the idea as a workable compromise just weeks ago and was in fact, already going off to movie nights etc.

Hell, I didn’t even see her stick her hand up his arse to move his lips with the “that just doesn’t cut it…” – how good a ventriloquist is this woman?

Then I get the guilt card…  If he moves out it is because of me – because I didn’t just accept another person to be in my life - full time.   Double the laziness, washing, ironing, cleaning…  And we both know it isn’t just the kid; the escalation of the Harridan’s shotgun blasts of attack would be unbearable.

So I hunkered down; stuck to my guns.  Cajole all you want; it ain’t working!  I’m not living with a kid where I have no say or power.  I’m not having a kid live in my house 24/7 where all “decisions” will be round table affairs that I’m not allowed to attend.  That is the reality of it and all the promises in the world won’t alter it – because I know who and what these people are…  It’s that simple.

I’m the box standing off to the side while all these round pegs are sitting in their neat little holes of delusion.

Next option was that we move to a bigger house.  Sure, but then I have the same issue where my life is dictated to by a nut job…   The relationship would end and suddenly, I would have no home.  Here I am safe.  Here it is mine and if the relationship doesn’t work, he moves out the door.

Yesterday, he went off to meet the Harridan to get the “definitive answer”.  Because I’ve had it; he is moving out and getting a place with the kid; then she isn’t moving.  Then she is.  Not.  Is.  Not.  Is.  No….  If you are getting dizzy with that picture, imagine living in my head this last five weeks.

I mean enough is enough already.  Make a decision; and as he leaves the house I text “don’t come home without an absolute “in stone” decision”.

And when he comes home, we are where we were five weeks ago.  We are all going to have to sit and wait to see what the Harridan will do.  Move out.  Not.  Move out.  Not.  More arguments about why I have to suck up more time with the kid, just because she doesn’t accept the idea that dinner and a movie isn’t “kid time”.

And I can feel my emotions and feelings shrivel, because this selfish fool is hanging me out to dry.  I’ve seen it coming.  I’m prepared.  I know he is weak, but I’ve had one tiny glimmer of hope that he loves me enough to develop a spine and tell the Harridan: “This is how it is…  You have no say or opinion in our lives.  I have no care about yours or your finances or what you want.  Demand all you like but it means nothing.”

I can be downright obstinate when I feel as though I’m being pushed into a corner; and I have now reached the mulish position of “I’ve done enough damned compromising and I’m not doing any more” line in the sand.

Not doing any more and not waiting any longer for these morons to make decisions.  So I turn and say “okay, times up.  I don’t care what she is doing this week or next…   Make a decision and make it now.”  Hell, five weeks is enough time to treat someone you are supposed to love, as something worthless to you.

So I get some sighing, followed by the head back to glare at the heavens probably internally shouting at the Gods about the injustice of it all….  Then a return of RES (rat eye syndrome – where he would rather look at anything, except into my eyes) before he gets that final thrust of blame in.
“Given that he can’t live here, you leave me with no choice…”

Yes.  It is my fault; me who changed the rules of engagement.

And that was when I emotionally withdrew from this relationship.  That was the moment that all bets were off and the world changed.  Because from here on in, this is my world and I am the only one in it.  I don’t have to compromise my world at all anymore, and nor will I.   At all.

He better move quickly is all I can say, because this just became a kid free zone and I couldn’t care less what the Harridan says or does.

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Thanks. Better check it out but it should be up today!