Life. It's hard...

Yesterday, due to my depression blog, I heard from the Moodle.  For the first time since oh; at least January.  Maybe Christmas, he emailed me.

He wrote 'i don't usually reject someone's desire not to talk to them and I don't have any idea what drugs you were on then, but I just wanted to tell you to cheer up and remember i'm always there for you.  i'll go back to my room now...'

That single email told me plenty of things.

1.  He's a fool.
2.  He still doesn't punctuate his emails...
3.  I was unaware he had been told to leave me alone (something I don't regret, my Sister loves me and watches out for me).
4.  Sadly, I am stuck with him.

With that one 'I'll go back to my room now...'  I realised that I could live in Tasmania with him.  I could live there for fifty weeks of the year and not get bored!  I could live on any cliff or in any little hovel, because we are the same.

Ups and downs of life...

I've decided that there isn't anything that anyone can do.  The highs and desperate lows I'm experiencing are a part of life.  A part of this illness that sucks me to the end and back; and I don't know if I can take another day.

I haven't had depression since the last catastrophe that is this brain complaint.  I'd had 6 or so operations around the same time at least ten years back, and I didn't understand why where once there was light; now there was beige.  Worse that beige; black.

That time I pulled my life apart and walked away.  I didn't understand... Know.

This time I want to do that too.  I want to buy a little house in Tassie; by the water.  Have some chooks.  My piano.  My computer...  I want to write the days away...

But its a dream...

My life is as hard as it can be.  I want to escape, but is it simply 'new life' or 'running away'..?

So... Day two of the lack of medication is as black as it can be.

Yesterday saw me as high as I could get.
Now today, in the depths of despair!  I want to cry, for no reason!

So, its a waiting game.

Hurry.... Friday!

Well it's Friday.  Yay!

I'm up and off early.  I've got a meeting in Oakleigh with a friend for coffee, who then will go off and play golf.  I'll admit I'm not that much of a golf fan.  I tried to learn it a few years ago; I only liked the 19th hole (I'm not even sure that what the hole is lol) so I think that is my thing.  Even then, I think that is a next year thing since I can't drink alcohol!

Then I'm off to rehab.  Wonder what joys they've got for me today!

Then I'm off to Ivanhoe.

It's nice.  It's strange.  I have to keep myself in check.  I'll throw it all away if I don't.
I'm not unaware that I didn't even like the PI and I ended up crazy about him....   So I figure it is time for me to fall for a guy that is nice.  So I'm taking it slowly, or trying too.

Didn't get to sleep until about 3 am, stupid brain wouldn't shut up.  If I take there medication I'm sleeping about 14 hours a day.  I don't take it; I sleep about 6.  Why can't they have something in between?

Ahhh Alcohol!

Well I can't have alcohol.

Truth tell, I haven't had it since November; other than a glass of champagne at my brother's birthday in December and I was such a half wit then, they could have given me cordial.

Tuesday night The Yank came over (sorry, I haven't got another nick for him yet so I call him The Yank til I do; even though he has been here for over thirty years and has had 2 Australian wives!) and we downed red wine like it was going out of fashion.

What fun!  Except for I fell asleep before nine.

Worse that that, Wednesday was a blur for me.  I couldn't think; couldn't do anything.
Had a headache all day til I thought I would scream.  Then I went to bed early with the same headache so I just wanted to die.  I woke up this morning; you guessed it with the same headache til I began to wonder if I had done damage to myself.

I mean I only had 3 glasses but in December, the doctors said drinking is toxic for me.  I will go back to being a non drinker!  Looks like alcohol as a toxin hasn't finished with me yet!  So I'll have the best wine cupboard and porch anyone has seen.  Wine cupboard is full; so is that rack.  Back porch as 6 cases out there ready...  and I can't have any.

All in all, that's not nearly as depressing as it sounds lol

And even better, my love life is racing along.  It was date number five for us; and believe it or not, everything went well.  Tomorrow, I'm going to stay at his house...

Ummmm hello? Sweety....

The guy of the moment is coming for dinner tonight; although last November I'd have said I was a great cook, tonight, well, I seem to have forgotten how.  I'm okay once I get there but thinking of the thing to cook is mind boggling.  I've got hundreds of cookbooks here but I haven't opened any; too scared I'll get lost.

We are in sea saw phase.  It is always the same for me.  One step forward, ten back.  I like them; I think I'm better off waiting for my Prince.  Then whammy; out of left field I'm in love.

Thats probably why I wanted the Moodle back.  Although I was in hospital and brain frazzled, I sensed I would be safe with him and a little matter of the heart, being in love, didn't matter that much.  Not to mention I hadn't been out with anyone else; saving myself I guess.

Well the Moodle didn't want me; to the point of silence.  I wonder what I do to people that causes them to shut to door, lock it and throw away the key.

Oh well.  Life wasn't meant to be easy and in truth, it would never been easy with him.  I think he loved me as best he could but it wasn't enough.  Maybe now it would be...  Who knows and I guess I'll never find out.

So the Yank.  He is the next one; he has been here for over 30 years lol, yet still maintains the accent. He is sweet.  I think I'm due for sweet....