Apple Has Finally Fixed the Boyfriend

Apple has unveiled its new foldable iPhone Duo, and it will apparently cost around $3,500. That is quite a lot of money for a telephone, particularly when mine is mainly used for checking Facebook, deleting scam messages and taking fantastic photographs of the cat.

However, this is not merely a phone. According to news.com.au, it contains a revolutionary new feature aimed at solving one of the greatest problems facing modern women: boyfriends who cannot take a decent photograph.

The phone has something called Duo Preview. When somebody is taking your picture, you can see exactly what they are seeing on a screen on the back. You can therefore direct the entire operation yourself.

“No, move back.”

“Not that far.”

“Hold it higher.”

“Higher.”

“Good God, not directly underneath my chin.”

This means men can no longer claim that they simply aren’t good at taking photographs. Weaponised incompetence has finally met its match, and it costs only slightly less than a second-hand car.

For years, women have handed their phones to their partners and received 47 photographs in return. In twelve of them, their eyes are closed. Seven include a nearby rubbish bin. Fourteen are taken from an angle that makes them look like a garden gnome guarding a wheelie bin. The rest are mostly photographs of the ground because he pressed the button while handing the phone back.

Men, meanwhile, remain mystified by the dissatisfaction.

“What’s wrong with that one?”

My head is missing, Graham.

“You can still see most of you.”

The new phone will allow women to monitor the shot in real time, which should make romantic holidays especially relaxing. Boyfriends will now spend sunset standing six metres away with a $3,500 phone while their partners shout detailed instructions about angles, lighting and whether one thigh looks strangely wider than the other.

Golden hour will become golden forty-five minutes.

The phone may also destroy the popular boyfriend defence of taking deliberately terrible photographs so he is never asked again. This technique has been used successfully for generations. A man performs one domestic task so catastrophically that everybody quietly agrees he should never be allowed near it again. Unfortunately, Apple has now closed the photography loophole.

Even more terrifyingly, the new Apple Watch reportedly has a Live Rewind feature that can record and transcribe the previous 15 seconds of conversation. At last, couples will be able to settle the ancient argument:

“I never said that.”

“Yes, you did.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“Hang on. I’ll check my wrist.”

Marriage counselling has officially entered the surveillance era.

I’m not convinced this will improve relationships. A healthy partnership requires trust, patience and occasionally pretending you didn’t hear what the other person muttered while loading the dishwasher. We do not need a watch preserving it as evidence.

Still, Apple deserves credit for identifying a gap in the market. We already have phones that recognise our faces, track our movements, monitor our sleep and know we want new boots before we do. It was only a matter of time before one began supervising our boyfriends.

I won’t be rushing out to buy the iPhone Duo. For $3,500, I don’t just want a good photograph. I want the phone to choose my outfit, apply my makeup, remove three kilos, repair the lighting and explain why I looked perfectly fine in the mirror five minutes earlier.

Until then, I’ll continue taking my own photographs.

At least I know where my good side is.