Hurry up already life!!!

I got up this morning before the alarm went off and felt surprisingly good; not great, but good.  Okay the Moodle didn't want me; I could live with that. All in all, he didn't love me enough.  I had a shower and washed my hair; alright there were the odd bits sticking up where the doctor cut it, but all in all it looked good!  I put make up on; stepped into a black dress and some back heels and was right to go.

I walked out of the house carrying my laptop bag, there was, if not a spring in my step, at least a little jaunt.

I was on my way to work.  First time since November last year.  Although I'll admit that my brain isn't A+, it's better than it was in December (like I know my name).

I park the car and walk into work...
and that is where it stops.

I find that I haven't got 'back to work' clearance from my neurosurgeon; even though I went and asked him for it after last weeks 'back to work' meeting.  Worse, I can't work without it.  So I go downstairs and find he is in surgery all day but will complete it when I have an appointment tomorrow; present it to his colleagues Friday.  At this rate, I should be back at work come next Monday!

God.  This afternoon I had rehab.  The girl who is my Social Worker had me in there crying the afternoon away.  Crying because the Moodle didn't love me.  Crying because I couldn't work; was too stupid too in any case.  Crying because my boss said I should sit somewhere else!

At least I've given her purpose as she navigates through this shitty life.  She suggested I sue!

Depression. Thy name is Me.

I woke up this morning feeling okay.  I mean I had decided to test the water with the yank.  I think I had decided that when I saw the wheels falling off the Moodle on Saturday; brain damaged I may be but even I can see what it means when he who lives by his phone, doesn't answer me.

So 12+ years and I get an email.  Wow.

He blamed my reaction to the kid, but hey, I don't want to live with the kid.  I wrote in my blog that his snot wiping episode was revolting.  News flash Moodle; it was!  I was planning my thing; we were living as singles til January anyhow; he could have taken as long as he liked.

I called my sister on the way home and she reminded me of the past.  The Moodle not believing anything I said when up against the kid.  The horrible emails he had written.
And; when all is said and done; the bit I can't escape.
He didn't go to my Dad's funeral.

I wonder why I can't just cut the ribbon; slice the cord.
I did love him, but maybe that is it.  Letting go and moving on seems so hard.  It always has.  Like the PI; I went back multiple times.  Like everyone; I always go back...

An email for 12+ years.  The end is worth only that...

Oh well...

Confusion is out. 

I'd sat there on the weekend tossing and turning the idea of the Moodle Take II, in my head. Should I? Shouldn't I? Then there was reaction. Everyone said the same thing, various faces of horror.  

And what about the new guy..? Who I'll admit, figured bigger than life. What about all the bullshit and lies the kid said about me.  I mean I could get over it; couldn't I? Well I could if he lived somewhere else. 

And speaking of the new guy, I'd talked to him more than I had the Moodle, which annoyed me no end.

I mean this guy said he loved me. 

He did love me. 

But you can't fight a kid. 

In the end it was this blog that dragged me down like a dappled deer in the snow. 

Because of what I said about the kid. Looks like I don't get the chance to see if it goes away!

Baby sitting.

I'm down at my mother's.  I haven't worked out if she is baby sitting me; or I am the sitter. 

I haven't really heard from the Moodle. I can't really work him out. Confusion. My brain already lives like that!

But... As good as it is...

I'll walk away if I have to...

The kid was revolting; picking his nose and wiping on the wall and that was only that obvious thing; he did plenty not so obvious.  I tried to get that through to him tonight.  He should have sided with me and sent him back home for a couple of weeks.  Not doing that, meant that the swine could treat me like crap.  And he did.

But I'm the adult here.  I'll make concessions.  The concession I'll make is ill suck it up and be second; but only until November.

I won't live with him; even as much as I love the Moodle; I won't be put last all the time.
The kid is nearly 18.  At that point, Moodle has done enough.  It's time for us.

All that said; he really is something.  Even having dinner tonight it was like yesterday.  I love him.  It's as simple as that.

Even as simple as that, if I'm put last all the time - that will be it for me.