Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Big Girls Don't Cry

This weekend, I walked around the house like a ghost.  I tried to read; tried to write… But I just couldn’t settle.  For the first time since moving house, I was lonely, teary and fidgety. 

I couldn’t work out why I was feeling so miserable.  Generally, I’m comfortable in my own skin; content with my own company.  Yet the feeling of loss escalated until I was like a cat on a hot tin roof.  To take my mind off it, I set out for the Classic Cinema mid-afternoon to catch a movie. 

I went on my own which I’ll admit; I force myself to do on occasion.  I think it’s supposed to empower me.  It doesn’t work.  Mostly, I hover in a corner until I can slink into the theatre and sit in the darkness but even then, I’m waiting for someone to look up, point and yell ‘lonely loser alert!!!’.  I can almost picture it; as I drag my carcass out of the theatre, hunching my shoulders against the barrage of abuse and possibly rotten vegetables thrown by the villagers.

As it happens, there was no villager riots and the movie was a rather amusing vampire comedy that did dull the sensation of ‘blues cloak’ that I had previously worn.  The blessed relief of laughter did not last.  As the credits rolled I was already leaving the theatre and I realised that I’d embarked upon a rather large outing without actually speaking to another living soul.  Hell, I purchased the ticket online and had to do no more than push my phone towards the ticket checker and may have offered them a nod or a brief smile, but certainly no conversation.

By Sunday morning, the roller coaster was zooming down to a full on panic attack or a desire to throw myself down the stairs.  Instead, I threw on some runners and walked.  By the time I got home I realised that this was my own fault.  Somewhat stupidly, I had opened the door and let the Squeeze back in…

We are mature adults.  Best friends – or at least we were.  Why couldn’t we be again..? And when the door opened a crack, it creaked open further and further until our email exchange became of flood of flirty ‘carry on’ down and dirty emails - of around one hundred for the week.  That didn’t count the skype messages or text messages or sitting at my dining table and laughing our heads off like old times.  Even as I drifted into an exhausted sleep on Friday night, he was still sending emails.

The conversations had been growing over the last month or so; now it had reached avalanche proportions.  What this meant to me of course was that the budding romance had died a death and we could be friends again.  I didn’t think he would suddenly develop a dose of humanity or an ability to love or that we would skip into the sunset to live happily ever after; but somewhat stupidly, I did think that maybe, there was a chance we could be friends again.

On Saturday morning, all contact stopped.  I finally sent an email on Monday evening to say “are you dead..?”  It took four direct emails before I pushed through his evasive avoidance of my dating question and I finally sent a single line to say 'are you dating???' Frankly, between work and our comms avalanche, I couldn't see where he would find the time. Then I got back: “I am seeing someone, I told you that..”

WTF? What had the last week or so been about then..?

Seriously, I knew he was weak, but I didn’t figure him for a player.  Good luck to her is all I can say because the life she has signed up for is even uglier than the one I had!  At least I had fidelity! 

So he selfishly coaxed me away from a path of change and like a fool, I allowed it. All to make himself feel good - and screw the fact the in taking his 'upper', he plunged me into despair!  Obviously the poor woman that took my place is seeing the relationship for what it is (keep a measure of delusion that he can change) and kicked him to the kerb for a week. I was the bandaide to help his poor battered ego. What a selfish Dick!

Well I won’t let that happen again.  He is dead to me.  No…  We can’t be friends.  We will never be friends again because friends don't use and abuse friendships like that.  Friends don't hurt you. Mess with your heart and mind. 

And me..?  I am catching up with the cute builder tonight for dinner. I'm spending the weekend down the coast.  I signed up for life drawing classes that start in October (nude male model if you don’t mind) and this morning, I was up and jogging at 6am. 

No time for tears; because as we all know: 

I did toss up using this one; because I did love Glee when Cory was there :'(

But in all honesty.... it's a wanky song :)

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Thanks. Better check it out but it should be up today!