It's Good Friday here...

I'm not feeling very Good Friday-ish.  I think religion has taken a huge dive, so why the hell would I not eat meat..?

My daughter her dog (and my dog!!!) are coming today.  We'll slack about a bit, take the dogs for a walk down the coast and come home to pizza :)

It will be good to see her as I haven't for weeks!  :)

Here is a song...  It was so unbelievably bad...

Happy Easter!

Easter! It is nearly here!

Well I'm running late for work; stupid really!  But feeling as though I'm only going to blog a few lines before showering and washing my hair!

It is nearly Easter. I'm going to relax! Sigh!!!

Strangely I love this song; and I like the way they sing it as opposed to Simon and Garfunkle...  Who I saw when I was young and they did a great job of this song! But...

Ouch. I hurt!

My knee is on the improve but everything else aches!  I've been going to a hypnotherapist... I'll try anything to get back to where I once was (but not what I once was!).  I hope she is working. I feel like it is... 

So far I've tried hypnotherapy... Oxygen therapy with a hyperbaric chamber...  What else?  Although I figure the hypnotist is working.  Not that she gets a watch and says "you are getting sleepy!"

The Past....

I loved this song.  Of course I loved it back in the day with Nancy Sinatra and Lee Hazlewood and that orange album where Nancy looks so damned cool but Lee looks like a Mexican decedent. 

I'm probably not really old enough to remember it and I wouldn't if not for my Mother, who was a prolific music listener and who, without realising it; made at least three of her kids music lovers...

I loved the Nancy and Lee rendition of it, but I love this just as much. Lana Del Rey...  I'll admit I'm hooked on her lately.

Yesterday...

Okay; yesterday I wagged work because I felt like crap.  I rested my stupid knee in between doing a quick clean and watched television; okay, I overdosed on television...  I've been watching this show called Seven Seconds, which is kind of addictive.

Anyway, here is a song so you can listen to it...  It has absolutely nothing to do with my blog I just like it. I bought the album  this week; vinyl.  The Wallflowers; he is Bob Dylan's kid (who is now pushing 50 so I'm not sure why I still call him a kid lol)

Enjoy!

Ewww I feel sick...

I'm home sick today. I just feel like crap!  Don't know what is wrong with me but I've got a dicky leg and I'm limping (some kind of muscle or knee thing) and I woke up feeling as though I hadn't slept; in fact I'd been dragged through a couple of rose bushes!

Don't remember what that's like; to not sleep!  And I did; like the dead!

So I may as well mosey around the house doing a leisurely pack for tomorrow and a clean up (in between bouts of sleep!) because I'm going to bed damned early I think!

I'm working more than usual at the moment but I don't think it is that... I'm tired from it but I usually feel pretty good!

Ventriloquism....

The Squeeze got down here today.  Better late than never I suppose!

I questioned him about the Harridan and we agreed that I didn't have to go to the wedding (read I wouldn't be caught dead where I'm not wanted!) so it becomes a non issue.

The real issue is she will try this at every turn, I know how she operates.  The martyr.  The "see what I go through..."  Stupid cow doesn't realise that it would be a cold day in Hell before I wouldn't go to my sons wedding! I couldn't care less if Satan was to be there!  I'd ignore him!  So I figure her threats were empty; if not, well she truly is a selfish bitch.

So after we discussed this, the Squeeze sat on my knee for a bit of game playing... But I couldn't get into it like usual.  It had nothing to do with our discussions re the Harridan...  With him sitting there on my knee, I felt like a ventriloquist! And he; he was the dummy.

Are these people stupid??

I'm at work. I've been at work all week; well except for Monday because it was public holiday here...

On Tuesday, we had a fire alarm.  Actually, we didn't. We had some chick run up and down our floor say 'evacuation! This isn't a drill!!!'  So we all (being me, because I was the only one in the office at that time) trudged down the stairs to go stand on the street for half an hour.

Fire engines arrived and they did their thing; making sure we weren't going to burn alive if we went back in.  Frankly, I feel like I should be drooling here but they're not television fireman, these guys are real; not to mention the fact that you really can't see them with their hulking fire fighting clothing and masks!

Suffice to say, there wasn't a real fire.

WTF? Some idiot on some other floor burnt toast or something! It must be maddening for bosses. They loose a good half an hour of productivity!  In fact, it was closer to an hour on Tuesday.

So imagine my surprise when sitting here at 1 pm on Friday, the alarms go off!  Same frigging thing! I think I'd ban toast making!!!!

Life is strange...

I, with millions of others, used to watch Seinfeld religiously on television.  Of course that was before the days of the internet where you could download any damned show you wanted, get netflicks or whatever your little heart desired; so the choices we had were not huge. In fact they were downright slim!

I guess you’re wondering why I am bring it up; so do I.  But there is a point. 

Interestingly, I love George.  Short, fat…  Rude.  His snarly and shouting and lazy. Snivelling!  Hardly a sex symbol; Hell, he isn’t even remotely likeable!  Why then do I love him? I can only shake my head in wonder and thank God it is a distant thing; an unattainable love. He lives in another country and probably has a wife and buckets of money so in other words, out of my sphere.

But what is amazing to me, is that I went out and got my very own George.  The Squeeze, and I never realised it until this moment, is exactly like him. A replica!

He’s short; getting shorter because he is getting older and his bones are compressing.  His a little heavy, but in a barrel way with two ultra slim legs hanging off him.  (His tummy is too big to see them) And he is just like him in manner!  I can even hear him say some of the things George would say.

The Squeeze has a basic ineptness for anything romantic or emotional.   This could be amusing and at off times cute – when you know and understand how he works and by his actions, you know that although he has a retarded “show emotion” gene, he actually does have them floating somewhere inside that minuscule atrophied thing in his chest most people call a heart.   (if the Squeeze is reading this, think of cuddly puppies! That is how I see you! Cuddly! Puppy!)

But the funny thing is we each see him differently. 

I look at him and see Pic B. 

He envisions Pic A. 

I suppose he is both, so we are both right.

Thinking about it...

Boy my roller coaster of emotions are sucking.  It is like the old me is back!

I've been unable to sleep for the last couple of weeks, getting about 6 hours.  It seems, gone is the fantastic life of 10-12 hours of absolute deep sleep!  Then there is the emotions!  I keep arguing with myself!

Yesterday, when we got back from the music festival, I was so buggered that I went to bed.  Got back at 1 pm to a clean house, all I did was empty my case and put my washing on and then staggered to bed!  I was still awake at 11 pm. I wanted to kill my brain but thoughts went around and around!

So the Squeeze...
I think in reality, that I don't want to go anymore than the Harridan wants me there.  Admittedly for differing reasons.  She will be manipulating again, but stuff it.  I just don't care.

So I have my answer. I won't go and stuff the one upmanship. The Squeeze can rest easy on that score. But having said that, I won't be put in a box again. I mean either I'm going to be in a relationship with him and be a part of his life; or I'm not. 

Interesting! Hypnosis!

I went to hypnosis today. Wow.  I'm yet to get my head around it and probably will tonight while in bed...  But basically, she said my life has been up and down for so long I'm spurting adrenaline!  Funny, because I don't feel stressed - but my shoulders are drum tight because they are stuck in fight or flight mode.  It will be fabulous if she can address that!!!

We spoke briefly about the Squeeze, the Harridan and the wedding...
She basically said he should be sticking up for me so saying "she's coming!"
She laughed when I said that he had said she wouldn't go if I went...  Ridiculous!  Which is basically how I felt.  That he isn't, that he is letting her take control (again) doesn't bode well for moi!

How do I beat this bitch..?

The world seems undecided…  Uncertain if me going back to the Squeeze was the right move.

Yes; the card he sent me was romantic; whimsical in just the right way! He had written everything I’d want him to, and said everything I would expect someone to say if they want to win my heart!  But at the end of the day, he is a writer.  He can wax lyrical and then be still my beating heart!  

But actions speak louder than words, don’t they? And I haven’t really seen any evidence other than the bunch of flowers that were delivered on Valentine’s Day (another great ploy!)

I haven’t got the whole story yet…  I had felt it was coming for a day or so; but talking on the phone didn’t let me question him re the Harridan and her penchant for the melodramatic.  I mean let’s face it; not a snowball’s chance in Hell I’d miss my kid’s wedding.  But she dropped a hanky after mopping the bucket of tears and so at the first bit of opposition and he moodles back to his moodling ways.  And moodling; it’s an ugly trait.

Alright. She doesn’t like me.  (devastated here...) I don’t need her to like me. I have no interest in being besties or lesbian gal pals.  And I couldn’t stand the way she knows everything; all of the time!!! So let’s get this straight.  I want her old husband; that’s it.  

No amount of swearing, tears and carrying on; threatening not to go to the wedding should change anyone’s mind.  She brings up the one email I sent her (I can’t even remember it…) but she has it; probably learnt it off by heart! Ranting and raving about it.  Boy, she ought to have the 10000 emails I have; texts that she’s sent that I thought were so outlandish, I put them up on this site!  If I were the kid, I’d think “stuff you! Don’t come then!” But no… They all roll over and pander to her.  And she’s walks out of the door and laughs to herself about how easy it was to get rid of me.  As if anything would keep her from being front and centre at the wedding….

And because I had forgotten what an utter psychotic unrelenting bitch she was,  I realise that it will be never ending.   Again.  She will have her pound of flesh; getting maximum benefit from the trouble she weaves.

My brother didn’t go to half of his kids 21^st.  Why?  Because quite simply, his current wife wasn’t invited; only he was.  I mean all this from a woman who shagged a school teacher, left my brother and followed him to Tassie (at which point he ran; shagging is one thing… A woman with 7 kids in tow quite another) My brother, when he finally got over it, married a great chick; but in the years after, it was take the money but give not a whit of care. Be nasty in every dealing with him. In fact she sat in her car out the front of their house when they got married; weird… It’s almost serial killer trait!  I just realised! She reminds me of the Hariden!

But I regress…

Now I’m having a hard time.

I’m weighing the “I don’t need to go” against “what will she think she has control of next!”

I'm stuffed!

Just got back from the three days at the Port Fairy Music Festival...
I'm stuffed and going to bed for a while!

What a fantastic gig!
Next year, my son and his gal are coming too!

It's Here!!!

The long weekend!

Yipeee!

Yay! Long weekend!

Well I'm off to the Port Fairy Music Festival when I finish work at about 2.30 today!  Believe it or not, I've never been. How the Hell does one get to my age and not go..?  I'll admit, I quite like the sound of moseying from tent to tent and seeing different acts; it will be great fun; which kind of leaves me dumb founded to think I've never been.

Last night I tossed and turned over the Squeeze.  Should I stay in a relationship where I'm never put first..? To be honest, about 2 am this morning I was thinking 'probably not'.  But this morning I feel much brighter.  He may not of course, but I'm not responsible for others feel.

The reality is that if my family thought of him as his family thought of me, I'd have a hard time too.  Its hard to know when you put your partner first; and when you put your kids first.  I figure a wedding is when you put your kids first.  Of course it would be nice to come first; even once...

Glad I'm brain damaged....

Every so often, I have to sit back and think 'God! I'm glad I've got brain damage!'

And I really do.  I know the old me.  She would have been screaming and hollering!  Like a banshee! I'd be walking around the house furious; kicking the dog! (which I wouldn't, simply because my brain damage allowed me to get, and love, Sharpie!!)  And to do it all, even recognising that it would be utterly pointless.

Now, I find that I'm hurt, but I'm okay. In fact, it was probably expected; knowing what I know.  And the reality is, I remember my life as much as anyone does.  I just struggle to speak about it; but it is all still there. I remember what an utter, freaking, psychotic bitch she was.

So it seems as though the Harridan won't allow me to go to their son's wedding.  How do I feel..?  Well the Squeeze hurt me; not once, but twice.  But my family after the first night, said "are you certain" to which I replied that I was. Hell, it may be an awful mistake, but I have to try.  And ever since, he is one of the family again.  My kids; my larger family accept him without issue. Even the sister who whenever I have mentioned his name in the last three years, says "...he couldn't even come to Dad's funeral..." has stopped.

And his family...  Well Kid (3) is civil to me but that is about it; no to going to the wedding. (Civil, huh!?  This is the kid that picked his nose and wiped it on my wall with a "take that bitch..)  Kid (1) I haven't seen so I don't know how he is; but I always liked him.  Kid (2) I liked; but after hearing his mother scream about me (abusively) said she wouldn't go if I was going; decided that I shouldn't come.

Frankly, I'd test the theory, because I'd be buggered if anyone would keep me from going to my child's wedding! But there is no point in saying all that; we are only a couple of weeks I suppose.  Who cares if it has been 15-20 years in the making. 

Just once, I'd love the Squeeze to say to the kids:
"You never put me first. I'm bringing her!!"

I guess the reality is, it doesn't bode well for me...

Crap. Work. Again.

I have to go to work again. I was just about to write I don't know why; but I do. I like to eat... Drink... Do stuff!

My hours have increased at work; I'm now doing a 5 hour day with a half hour lunch break. Hmm this throws my day out. Lunch has become relevant now; and more than my vita wheat. I don't mind the work really, especially when I get left alone to sit and design stuff; but the answering of the phone still occurs when it rings. I decided that I may as well answer; it keeps my brain expanding and truth tell, I was never great at it...

Yesterday I went for a job. It was for a community engagement officer with a health service.  Yes; me... out there... talking!

Well suffice to say I don't think I got it and when push comes to shove, I'm glad!!!

Sharpie :(

I miss my dog!  The Squeeze took him home for the next two weeks while I go to the Port Fairy Blues Festival; and he'll look after him! It's just that it is kind of lonely here without him. Well it starting to get that way; but it sure is clean!

Gahhh I'm buggered!

The Squeeze came down on Friday so we watched movies and I cooked dinner.  It was a normal evening, which I like. I don't think I'd go out if I could avoid it... But you have to do stuff; like go to work...

Yesterday was a whole other kettle of fish.

Friday night my brother text me to ask if we wanted to go see Robbie Williams for 200 bucks.  He had a client that couldn't go so he took his ridiculously priced tickets and let us have theirs. I did want to see him, but hell, I wasn't paying 400-500 dollars. I would if it was Ryan Adams or Cold Play; but not Robbie.

So our day started off busy and continued right down to the end like it.  We took Sharpie for a walk at Bancoora Beach.  He loves it, running around like a mad thing. Then we took him home and took my car in to have new tyres fitted; going out for breakfast while the had their heads under the car.  We came home showered and got changed and off we went to pick up my sister and her husband.  

I had decided before I was going to go to Robbie that I would drop them all down there to see him, come home and make a late dinner before picking them up.  So I drove them about ten minutes away and dumped one lot and then went back for my brother and his wife.

We got down there and my sister had picked a great spot on the lawn and set up chairs, which was great.  The acts were brilliant.  Robbie was superb. But that was when it all started... My God. What a bloody disaster!  When it came time to come home.  1.5 hours later... We got there!  Jesus... If I had to hear my sister in law say "this ruins it!!!" or my brother in law say "Jules phone is just over here!" I'd have lost my head!!!!!  (she had lost her phone hiking through the paddocks trying to get to where we could pick them up easily - and he was tracking it...)

God; they were funny but I realised what the Squeeze goes through with a bunch of drunk people and him sober...