The End....

I've decided this blog should end.

Dating a Hunchback was a funny name I picked for the squeeze... Who could never quite commit.  Now in a world without the Squeeze, the ex wife from Hell, the child who snots on the wall and the other two kids - it is over.

Every single march along romantic lines, was difficult.  All the way from him wearing his wedding ring ("But I like it!") to the 67 text messages he received in one day, to the stolen tent, to him; convinced that ALL communication go through her.   They are back to sharing birthdays; and I bet he pays!

In reality, I don't want my thoughts to be read by him.

I'm pretty sure that the American blogs instigated the return to 'loved up land'.  Only to discover that he didn't love me after all.  All it did was to hurt me (when he blamed me; "don't tell anyone!!!") and ended it and swiftly as it started.  Luckily I was in hospital so I didn't linger, over thinking it.

But either way, it is his problem.  I've had this Bad Romance...

So; on with a new blog...,.

All through the house...

Perhaps there is more than one thing stirring in this night before Christmas...

For one, it's not Christmas. For two, I'm at a hospital; not home in bed. Three; oh hell, I don't remember 3. Blame it on the brain damage. 

Day 6 and I'm losing my temper. I should have lost it on day 3 but on no; the new model of me; the Bain damaged one thinks everyone needs a further shot.  Further shot be damned. Just gives them time to line me up. 

But they got it, more time. And before I got one Neurosrgeon in here to talk to me. 

I cried, talked and bemoaned to the neurosurgon that finally came to let me know what's happening. So happy was I just to be told. 

That's all I wanted. Day 6 of watching life pass me by is enough. 

One Seventeen.

I'm in hospital. It's quiet. Aside from the girl snoring!!! And she isn't even supposed to be here!  

I waited til now for the girl opposite to turn down the light. The old woman next to me to turn off the tv; or at least turn down the sound. They brought a guy in late with a suspected fractured neck. He's as quiet as a church mouse but his girlfriend!!

:(

Oh... The time is one seventeen!

Hospital again...

I should say something; like 'damn it!'...  But I can't.  How does my year get worse and worse.. 

New drugs. Old problem.

I've hit the third lot of anti-depressant drugs in the last 2 months.  Wooaa; its not a pretty site.  I don't like taking them. Who would.  They make me feel like a crawled into a bath; and I couldn't care less who is watching.  I can't "feel".

In order to block out the constant stream of tears, and I'm not unaware that it is for no reason but can't seem to stop it, I have to take them.  But in order to be "me", I can't take them.

So tomorrow I'm going to try half a one.

Jesus.   A bit of help would go astray God!!!!!

Crying Continues!

I've seen my general practitioner, a guy for my eyes and my neurosurgeon; not necessarily in that order.

In amongst it all I've been crying my eyes out.  I wish I could say that I don't know why; but I think I've got a bloody good reason!

Upside is, my doctor put me back on the medication, just a different one!
Antidepressants designed to make your life great!  So by the end of the week I should no longer feel like killing myself!!!

Well if not great, then bearable...

Hurry up already life!!!

I got up this morning before the alarm went off and felt surprisingly good; not great, but good.  Okay the Moodle didn't want me; I could live with that. All in all, he didn't love me enough.  I had a shower and washed my hair; alright there were the odd bits sticking up where the doctor cut it, but all in all it looked good!  I put make up on; stepped into a black dress and some back heels and was right to go.

I walked out of the house carrying my laptop bag, there was, if not a spring in my step, at least a little jaunt.

I was on my way to work.  First time since November last year.  Although I'll admit that my brain isn't A+, it's better than it was in December (like I know my name).

I park the car and walk into work...
and that is where it stops.

I find that I haven't got 'back to work' clearance from my neurosurgeon; even though I went and asked him for it after last weeks 'back to work' meeting.  Worse, I can't work without it.  So I go downstairs and find he is in surgery all day but will complete it when I have an appointment tomorrow; present it to his colleagues Friday.  At this rate, I should be back at work come next Monday!

God.  This afternoon I had rehab.  The girl who is my Social Worker had me in there crying the afternoon away.  Crying because the Moodle didn't love me.  Crying because I couldn't work; was too stupid too in any case.  Crying because my boss said I should sit somewhere else!

At least I've given her purpose as she navigates through this shitty life.  She suggested I sue!

Depression. Thy name is Me.

I woke up this morning feeling okay.  I mean I had decided to test the water with the yank.  I think I had decided that when I saw the wheels falling off the Moodle on Saturday; brain damaged I may be but even I can see what it means when he who lives by his phone, doesn't answer me.

So 12+ years and I get an email.  Wow.

He blamed my reaction to the kid, but hey, I don't want to live with the kid.  I wrote in my blog that his snot wiping episode was revolting.  News flash Moodle; it was!  I was planning my thing; we were living as singles til January anyhow; he could have taken as long as he liked.

I called my sister on the way home and she reminded me of the past.  The Moodle not believing anything I said when up against the kid.  The horrible emails he had written.
And; when all is said and done; the bit I can't escape.
He didn't go to my Dad's funeral.

I wonder why I can't just cut the ribbon; slice the cord.
I did love him, but maybe that is it.  Letting go and moving on seems so hard.  It always has.  Like the PI; I went back multiple times.  Like everyone; I always go back...

An email for 12+ years.  The end is worth only that...

Oh well...

Confusion is out. 

I'd sat there on the weekend tossing and turning the idea of the Moodle Take II, in my head. Should I? Shouldn't I? Then there was reaction. Everyone said the same thing, various faces of horror.  

And what about the new guy..? Who I'll admit, figured bigger than life. What about all the bullshit and lies the kid said about me.  I mean I could get over it; couldn't I? Well I could if he lived somewhere else. 

And speaking of the new guy, I'd talked to him more than I had the Moodle, which annoyed me no end.

I mean this guy said he loved me. 

He did love me. 

But you can't fight a kid. 

In the end it was this blog that dragged me down like a dappled deer in the snow. 

Because of what I said about the kid. Looks like I don't get the chance to see if it goes away!

Baby sitting.

I'm down at my mother's.  I haven't worked out if she is baby sitting me; or I am the sitter. 

I haven't really heard from the Moodle. I can't really work him out. Confusion. My brain already lives like that!

But... As good as it is...

I'll walk away if I have to...

The kid was revolting; picking his nose and wiping on the wall and that was only that obvious thing; he did plenty not so obvious.  I tried to get that through to him tonight.  He should have sided with me and sent him back home for a couple of weeks.  Not doing that, meant that the swine could treat me like crap.  And he did.

But I'm the adult here.  I'll make concessions.  The concession I'll make is ill suck it up and be second; but only until November.

I won't live with him; even as much as I love the Moodle; I won't be put last all the time.
The kid is nearly 18.  At that point, Moodle has done enough.  It's time for us.

All that said; he really is something.  Even having dinner tonight it was like yesterday.  I love him.  It's as simple as that.

Even as simple as that, if I'm put last all the time - that will be it for me.