Saturday, November 9, 2013

Ghosts and Liars

Last night, the Squeeze and I went to a gig in Oakleigh at the Caravan Club; an absolutely fantastic place to go if you love live music and live in Melbourne.  We went with two other couples, long-time friends of the Squeeze…  Ones I really like I might add so I was looking forward to it as conversation is lively and the night is always fun.

Still, it is hard to feel the same when you know in your heart that things are different.  I dressed up, yet when I walked to the door upon leaving, I made a mental note that the Squeeze no longer tells me that I look good when I have gone to the trouble to do so.  Nor does he touch me; in any way.  He does not take my arm or hand moving down stairs or going to the car.  He does not walk beside me; he walks in front of me.

When you acknowledge that this is the case, it becomes screamingly obvious as the night progresses.  Each lack of touch or caring is louder than the last.

Throughout the evening, when he asks if he has been 'tagged'; I laugh and say "Funny.  You haven't even realised that I deleted you from Facebook.  That was over a week ago..."

By the end of the evening, I realised that we have turned a full circle and once again, we are no more than mates; nothing more; nothing less than house sharing mates.  Actually, when I really think about it, perhaps it is less.  After all, I think I like him less now than I did when we were friends.

We didn’t argue.  We enjoyed dinner and witty conversation.  We appreciated good smuggled wine and fantastic music.   We made it home in tact without one argument or cross word.  I used You Tube to blast out oldies, but goodies on the drive home.

When we got in the door, the conversation turned to the Harridan and the Peniwhacker, as it inevitably does.  It skipped down the same old and tiring path really.  I should ignore her as he does… (Ummm yeah, that’s really working).  I don’t make the toad welcome in my house; to which I replied quite truthfully – “possibly because I don’t want him in my house!” 

All roads lead to me.  Hell, I am obviously the cause of world hunger and the lack of world peace too.  What a mean and thoughtless bitch I am.

The argument didn’t last long.  It is pointless.  I raised (once again) that every promise he uttered in order for me to leave my home, he has reneged on.  For example, what happened to shutting the Harridan down..?  And he attempts to wiggle the remote and look at the floor to do anything but discuss it.  So I asked outright, “given that you delete all records so there is no point in my checking any more, how many times have you just had to communicate this week?  I mean considering that you promised to shut her down…?”

In answer, he looked me in the eye and said with a rather superior tone “only once!  So there goes your argument!”

I ceased speaking after that.  It’s pointless.  He will never admit that he is wrong; weak.  He won’t acknowledge that the Harridan has no right to call, text, email insults and demands.  No right to tell him he is a crap father and scoff that my home is not my business… that I have no rights in my own home…   He won’t see that the kid needs a wooden spoon around his backside, before it’s too late.  So why bother?  Why bother to get myself worked up and upset?  There is no winning here.

So instead I shut down, finished my red wine and went to bed.  Somehow, I sensed that he understood my capitulation; my utter surrender.  I just don’t think he understood what it meant.

I became a dead, lifeless thing – and he knew it.  He tried to hold me close when he came to bed and then again in the morning, sensing me leaving already.  But I am a cold, dead and lifeless thing; at least on the inside.  I do not crave or need his touch anymore.   It is pointless.  It is a lie.  He is a lie.

Today, when he went off to pick up pizza (I now have his cold and am going back to bed and feel [and look] like a hag) I picked up his phone that was on charge and spent all of two seconds flicking through it.

One communique this week he said to me last night…  Strange, yesterday she called him once and he called her three times.  Text messages were removed.  I didn’t check email.  I didn’t go back through call logs to see what the other days of the week involved. There was no need to go further than that.  I didn’t need to.

He is a liar. If I bothered to call him on it, it would be that he 'forgot' about that or she wasn't there; any excuse that can't be checked. 

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Thanks. Better check it out but it should be up today!