Trump Has Decided America Needs More Water

Donald Trump has apparently decided the United States isn’t big enough.

It already has 50 states, more than 340 million people, thousands of nuclear weapons and a military budget large enough to buy God a helicopter. But still, something is missing.

The Strait of Hormuz.

Yes, Trump has suggested that America could simply designate one of the world’s most important waterways as American territory. Because apparently international borders now work like Facebook Marketplace: if you see something you like, you just message the owner and ask, “Is this still available?”

Perhaps he was looking at a map and thought it was an oddly shaped golf course.

“I’ll take that narrow blue bit there. Very strategic. Great location. Needs a clubhouse.”

At this rate, no geographical feature is safe. The English Channel should probably change its locks. The Mediterranean might wake up one morning with a Trump Resort sign floating in it. Australia had better keep quiet about the Great Barrier Reef or Eric will arrive with a tape measure.

Trump seems to approach international diplomacy the way a toddler approaches a toy box. Everything belongs to him, and if anybody disagrees, he threatens to knock the entire box over.

The alarming part is that nobody appears able to tell whether he is joking.

That’s the Trump dilemma. Is this an official foreign policy announcement, an improvised threat, or something he thought of while watching television and eating a cheeseburger?

Nobody knows.

Including, I suspect, Trump.

There must be exhausted government officials following him around with maps, legal textbooks and blood-pressure medication.

“No, Mr President, you can’t just claim the Strait of Hormuz.”

“Why not?”

“Because other countries are there.”

“Move them.”

He has turned the presidency into a long-running reality television program called Who Wants to Start a Global Crisis?

Every episode begins with Trump making an announcement. Then the stock market collapses, several diplomats develop facial tics, and Fox News explains that this is all part of an extremely clever plan nobody else is intelligent enough to understand.

Perhaps tomorrow he’ll annex the moon.

It has excellent branding potential. Trump Moon. Gold letters visible from Earth. Entry restricted to billionaires, family members and anyone prepared to say he invented gravity.

At least the moon is currently uninhabited.

Although, given the direction things are heading, I’m considering moving there.