Thursday, July 3, 2014

How is that working for you..?

My sister emailed me this week to ask how I was going.  I think she knows I’ve struggled over the last week or so.  In true Gemini fashion; and because I’m scrupulously honest, especially with myself, I answered with exactly how I was feeling.

My epiphany bought on a weird combination of relief, sadness and jealousy.  Yes, I said it was weird.  You couldn’t imagine those things all rolling around to create their own emotion, but there you go.

The ‘relief’…   My brother in law’s ex-wife is a lesbian.  We are talking plain faced; spikey haired, seriously manned up lesbian wearing bib and brace overalls.  They aren’t attractive on a hot guy, so I don’t know what she was thinking.  I’m missing my point.  I remember saying to my sister once “that must be so much easier for him!  I mean he has to know there is absolutely nothing, short of waking up, looking in the mirror and discovering he was a woman; nothing was going to make that relationship work!”

As far as faults go, that is a get out of jail free card.  No amount of shared household chores or giving space or romance was going to change the mechanics of that.

My epiphany telling me that the Squeeze had never loved me meant he was gay.  Or may as well as have been in my mind.  He didn’t love me!  There was nothing I could do to change that.  He didn’t love me.  He tried; he faked, whatever – but he did not love me.  Not my fault.  It wasn’t that I didn’t love enough; didn’t cook enough; didn’t put out enough (in fact in the end, he was the one not putting out – a sure sign!)  He just didn’t love me.

The ‘sadness’ is because I lost my best friend of fifteen years; and I’m pretty sure I’ll never get him back.  That he has shut me down now that he is dating is a pretty good sign of what is to come.  And if I am shut out because he is dating; odds are I will slam the door when I am.

In truth; that sucks because he is my only male best friend.  He is the only one I can bounce thoughts and ideas off.  He is the only one I can ask “is that normal?” when talking about some freak I went out with the night before.  And now, it is gone.  All because in a moment of loneliness he thought he could have a fling with a friend.

I have been married three times.  He should have known I don’t do flings.  I marry.  That’s what I do.  I love.  I meld.  I join.  I’m probably fricking scary now that I read that lol and oh my, how much worse is that for an emotionally bereft person such as the Squeeze.  And bereft is what he is.  I always knew that I guess; but stupidly, I figured that if he was really loved… it would change.  He would change.  Just as I’m sure the next fool will.

My sister once said to me “in all the times we have spent time together, I never once saw him hug you; or hold your hand… Or kiss you.”  She was correct.  I was emotionally skeletal, so suppressed was his ‘touch/romance/love gene’.    I saw it as flaw, or condition in him.  For it wasn’t just with me.  In five years, I never saw him hug or kiss his kids.  More than once I mentioned that I never heard him; or them, say “I love you”. 

I finish most conversations with my parents or kids by saying “love you!”  They don’t doubt it; have never doubted it.  I have often wondered if the Squeeze, for all of his “give my life for you” father act; was just that… An act.  I’m not sure if he feels the love; or if he fears becoming his father, so he plays a role he figures he must play.  I guess that isn't something I need to worry about anymore. 

The ‘jealousy’…  I told my sister I am going through “toy train” syndrome this week.  I have survived our separation quite easily until the last week or so.  I didn’t have to think.  There was my Dad dying (love you Dad!) which consumed my every waking moment for months.  My siblings and I became ghosts of the people we were in the face of losing Dad.  Now we are ghosts that fear; ghosts that hold conferences and share email to ensure my mother is as “fine” as she can be.

Walking to the car park tonight with a guy from work; he said out of nowhere; “I just can’t believe I’ll never see my Mum and Dad again…” I knew exactly the emotion of which he spoke.  I can’t imagine a life without my Dad in it.  I don’t even want to.

But I regress…

From the minute the Squeeze emailed to say he was seeing someone; it was like someone had picked up my train set.  It didn’t matter that I hadn’t played with it for eons.  It didn’t matter that I didn’t even think about that train set… it was mine.  It belonged to me.  And now some other (probably fat) kid at the park had taken my train set home!  I wanted it back!  It was mine!

I went from barely a thought; to unable to sleep or concentrate on anything else.  All I could think about was my train.  My train in the hands of someone else.  

When I mentioned this theory to my sister, she, of course made some ugly analogy about Puffing Billy and the Orient Express; lol and riding them.  The ex was, you guessed it; Puffing Billy.  I followed up with the fact that it felt like the only thing left on the planet was the Fat Controller – and he was probably wearing socks and sandals!

The epiphany made me admit that it was never really my train in the first place.  It never had been.

He had never allowed himself to be.

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Thanks. Better check it out but it should be up today!