When I changed…

It is strange how life works out sometimes. 

I had voiced my suspicions to several people over the last few weeks that I suspected the Squeeze had met someone.  They each hoohaa’d it down but that niggling feeling lingered.  Let’s face it…  It’s an ugly, retched feeling.  The person that you loved; that was supposed to love you forever – well they got over you just fine.  Not only got over you, but with swift ease.  It is as though you didn’t exist.  You certainly; didn't ever really count...

Part of me accepted their disbelief.   I mean I remembered just how many times he had said that if we didn’t work out, he was retiring from the dating pool…  Part of me I suppose, had believed him.   But still, the niggling continued.  And I know him well, better than many I expect.

My sister and I are doing a Vietnamese cooking course and while searching my red balloon account for the date we have booked, I noticed the ex-Squeeze hadn’t gone on a tour I had given him.  Figuring he had forgotten about it, I shot off an email to say “you’re supposed to use these; not waste them”; I got no reply.

Now we all know that this guy is never away from technology.  He reminds me of an old Dean Koontz book where the people of a small town begin evolving into something less than human.  For most, that was wolf like dogs with razor sharp teeth that took to running through the streets and surrounding bushland after dusk, mauling on anyone they came across.  But one guy; his evolution was to start to meld with his technology – because it was always in his hand.

That is the ex-Squeeze; so unless he was dead, which was unlikely, he was actually avoiding me. 

This immediately made a small thud in the back of my head begin.  The only reason on the planet he would ignore me, is if he went back to the Harridan or was seeing someone else.  After all, isn’t this the guy that just last month was trying to win back our friendship..? 

So I send off a reply, asking outright and this time, it elicits a response.  Unlike my birthday email, it is back to his usual non-punctuated, no care style.  A bad sign I realise before I begin reading.  And of course I was right; it was a bad sign.  The person that loved me; was supposed to love me forever and grow old with me has moved on; is seeing someone.

Even typing that created an awful emptiness inside my stomach.

One of us dating means it really is the end.  There is no more distant glimmer.  No tiny slice of a possibility that at some stage down the track, that horrendous kid would either take out a classroom and be in prison, or have evolved into a less selfish, cleaner, partial adult that was no longer connected to the strings on which the Harridan tugged.  And maybe, just maybe, we would stumble into each other in a bookshop; having been single for a few years…  Where upon we discovered we still loved one another…  So we buy a small house in the middle of nowhere to laugh and write and play music… 

That was the future I had counted on for the last five years; and now it was totally gone.  Annihilated.   He had gone with scorched earth and that tiny glimmer was snuffed out.

Oh why couldn’t it have been that he had slunk back to the Harridan’s reptilian grasp?  That would have given me a tiny ember of joy.  He would be dead within a month; his heart wouldn’t stand that vile, demanding bitch.

This morning… Today; I feel a little more composed.  In some ways, I guess this is better; a swift cold, cutting out my heart.  This will allow me to let go of the ‘glimmer’ and move on…

I don’t hate him.  In fact, I love him enough to hope that he finds happiness.

How unlike me…  When did I change..?