The Toad King

I’ve now been living in this house with the Toad King upstairs for 158 days.

Feels like a lifetime really.

I’ve gone from not wanting this pimple faced kid with zero hygiene skills and manky hair living in my world to gut swirling ‘why is it illegal to stab someone’; I want to punch you in the face; and the feeling is more than mutual.

Problem is that the Squeeze comes from Velvet Land parenting skills.  You must not smack.  They have to feel good about themselves – no matter if they’re a lazy selfish sod.  No one is a loser.  You are perfect and clever and talented and you can do anything you want to!!!!!  Yeah, well he is five seconds away from the real world and in the real world, he is a greasy headed, pimple faced kid who – due to the “velvet land of rearing” believes he is better than the rest of humanity.  Let’s see how that plays out!

I have realised over these 158 days that the lack of friends is more about the fact that he feels he is superior to them as opposed to my first belief that no one would want to muck around with this kid who smells and doesn't see the point of flushing the loo; and as a parent - I just know that if my kid bought this thing home, I'd say later "don't bring him here again...'

I mean, if the kid is supposed to be perfect and smart and all the rest of it, how can the Squeeze admit to himself that there is a problem?  Of course he can’t.  All the problems are about me.  I just don’t like him.  Yeah, well I have an aversion to snot wiping graffitists; call me fussy!

Picking his nose and wiping it on the bedroom wall was akin to child porn in my eyes – he should die along with every creepo out there.  But not so according to the Squeeze.  To him, it’s not about me or our home – it’s just boys being boys!  Even though the kid actually said he wouldn’t do it at his mother's house which is a filthy hovel so wouldn't even be spotted!  Still, he was in fact admitting it was about me and our home.  But the Squeeze sits there, tight lipped and refusing to see the forest for the trees.   His kid is a toad.

There wasn't anyone I discussed it with that didn’t gag as a first reaction and then demand he cop a wooden spoon to his arse or a slap to his face – I’d have been up for either…  Oh I long for it!  Dream about it!  I can almost hear the sharp crack as my hand connects with those pimples (note to self, wear gloves…)

Then this week, we had another big row at the dinner table when the Toad King informed the Squeeze that he had to give him $150 to go sailing.  Ummm yeah.   Whatever.  Your mother took the $800 parenting allowance and it sure as hell didn’t come off the school fees – get her to pay for it or better yet, get a bloody job!  Surprisingly, the Squeeze also mentioned the “you want; get a job” line to which the toad replied:

“I don’t want to work and I shouldn’t have to…”  WTF??? 

Yes.  Seriously.  He really is that lazy and selfish!  And I couldn’t hold back and informed him that he was in fact, lazy and selfish and if he wanted to do stuff, he had to get a job –after all, no one else at that table would be going to work every day if we didn’t have to!  But short of lotto, that’s our only option!

And then it was on. 

He, in his delusional world where he is far more superior than I, just puts out ridiculous random arguments that are pointless and utterly juvenile – that make me question his mentality.  He isn’t lazy but while he is at school, he shouldn’t have to work blah blah.  Didn’t kill any of my kids to have part time jobs; nor my nieces and nephews.  My friends kids all had part time jobs.  His brothers had them!

So the Squeeze, needing to step in to rescue the toad, turns the argument around to be about me calling him stupid.  In fact, I caused him lazy – because he is.  I didn’t call him stupid as his manipulation skills, although basic; work a treat on the idiot that I live with. But to twist the argument to me - in front of the toad only made me say outright that he was a fool and the kid was a manipulative little swine.  At this point, he turned to me and smirked behind his father's back.

And then I decided I don't want this kid in my universe.  There is no diving in and taking a bullet for him.  I’m more likely to push the little F-er into it and then high five the shooter afterwards!  Any of the other kids, I’d seriously go Wendi Deng for.

Still, rather than have a war, I left the room.  Let that toad and the idiot I love, revel in how mean I am.  How dare I call the little flower lazy!

I talked to my daughter about moving.  After all, she has a stake here also.  She loves the Squeeze, but the Kid…  Her feelings are much of a muchness to mine.  She watches this kid's every movement near the fridge – because we hide anything of ours that has to be touched by hands.  The idea of him peeling slices of cheese from our pack after holding his penis in the toilet is seriously nauseating…

And she agreed.  The kid is a manipulator who knows no matter what, daddy will back him up and throw me to the lions.

So it was decided.  At the end of the lease, we are out of here – along with 99.9% of the house that is mine.  And the little toad and his idiot father can rent a rat hole somewhere and share peniwhacker cheese until the cows come home!