Melancholy

My mood today can only be described as melancholy.  I hate the sound of depression.  It’s an ugly word.

Why?  My good friend is moving to the UK and I had my farewell lunch today.  She has left a veritable swag of stuff for me to get rid of on eBay which is depressing – given what she has paid for some of these things and what I know she’ll get for it.  I’m not kidding; there must be 20 pairs of sunglasses and some of those are brand new – still with the $500 price tag attached.  I’d keep some myself except most are those hideous “blow fly eye” large glasses and I’m a John Lennon round kind of girl.

My oldest son’s father is such a narcissist that he has never thought about either my son or daughter.  He has never figured in their life in any way at all; other to swan in once every five years to tear their still beating hearts out of their chest cavity.  My older son has never really coped.  Just put on a brave face.  He has started the process to change his name, which has upset my brother – who has laid it at my door.  Hell; nothing to do with me.  The kid is entitled to be whoever he wants.  Even if it happens to mean his name will basically be the same as my brother.

Then we have the fact that I’m tired.  I’ve been washing all day.  5 people for the weekend involves a hell of a lot of cleaning after the fact.  Sheesh, there has been 2 loads of towels, let alone anything else.

Then this morning I was left astounded by the Kid today when he was a smart arse about not getting the Squeeze anything for his birthday.  In front of the whole table I asked “did you get mummy a birthday present?”  Of course the answer was yes.  “Did you get her a mother’s day present?”  You guessed it – yes again.  “And did you get her a Christmas present..?”  Of course he did.  They all did.

And yet the Squeeze got nothing for any of those things.  Kid 2 couldn’t even be bothered to send him a “happy birthday” text.  And the kid is either too stupid, too selfish or too brainwashed; either way, he seriously couldn’t understand why I wanted to bitch slap him off a chair.

And within seconds I knew that I never wanted this kid in my life 24/7.  Not a chance.  He is selfish and self-centred and without even the common sense to understand that he has zip in the friends department and that maybe it’s time to look at himself.  At 15; he is her.  He has learned as they all have; that the Squeeze is wrong, bad, lazy, useless – and that is how they treat him.

So my melancholy stems from the fact that the Harridan and Squeeze will get together with mini Harridan to decide what happens next.  What the Squeeze pays, or if he moves, or what he does or doesn't do next.  And even though that discussion will change my world; will strain or end my relationship… I’ll only hear about it after the fact.  How the hell does that work..?

In truth, how can it not end things?  How can going back to what we were before, not end things..?  How can he make such a statement, that being with me is somewhat less than the demands placed on him – not change how I feel?  What I want?  Who we are..?

Snap. Breaking Up To Do.....   Or maybe we should just kiss and say goodbye...