Your Trauma Is Not a Free Pass to Be an Arsehole

Apparently, once you’ve had a difficult childhood, a toxic relationship, an unpleasant divorce or a mother who didn’t hug you enough, or cut the crusts off your peanut butter sandwich, you are no longer responsible for anything you do for the rest of your natural life.

You can lie, manipulate, scream at people, destroy relationships and generally behave like an absolute arsehole—and the moment somebody objects, you simply announce that you have trauma.

Conversation over.

Now, I’m not saying trauma isn’t real. Of course it is. Most people have been damaged by something. Some far more than others. Life has a remarkable ability to run over you, reverse, and then come back for another go. Hell. I should know! 29 brain operations and counting and 3 ex-husbands!

But trauma may explain why you behave badly. It doesn’t give you permission to keep doing it.

At some point, you have to stop handing your childhood the steering wheel. You’re an adult now. If you know your behaviour hurts people, then it becomes your responsibility to do something about it. Get help. Learn better habits. Apologise without adding, “But you made me…”

Because that isn’t an apology. That’s just blame wearing a little apology hat.

We seem to have confused understanding someone with excusing them. You can understand why a dog bites and still not let it loose in a childcare centre. Yet with people, we are expected to tolerate almost anything once a sufficiently tragic backstory has been produced.

Everyone has a backstory.

The person you’re treating badly probably has one too.

Trauma deserves compassion. It deserves patience, support and proper treatment. But it does not entitle anyone to spend the rest of their life creating trauma for everybody else.

Eventually, you have to take responsibility for the person you have become.

Even if it isn’t entirely your fault that you became them.