My Body Has Opened a Phlegm Factory

Day thirteen of being sick, and apparently my body has abandoned any ambition of recovery and moved into full-scale mucus production.

At first, I assumed I had a cold. A few days coughing, a bit of sniffling, perhaps an afternoon under the doona feeling sorry for myself. That seemed reasonable.

Instead, my lungs appear to have opened a factory.

Production continues around the clock. There are no staff shortages, supply-chain problems or public holidays. Great lobs of phlegm are being manufactured with an efficiency rarely seen in Australian industry.

I don’t know where it all comes from. I’m not eating it. I’m certainly not ordering it. Yet every few minutes, another delivery arrives.

Meanwhile, I’m taking Vitamin D, preparing for B12 injections and waiting for liver scans, because apparently my body is no longer a functioning human organism. It is a project with several trades already booked and more damage being discovered every time somebody removes a wall.

I’ve been dieting. I go to strength class. I have made an effort.

My body’s response has been to produce green sludge.

At this point, I don’t need a doctor. I need a building inspector, an industrial vacuum and possibly a demolition permit.

However, I will go back to the doctor—just as soon as I’ve published this. I may be falling apart, but I still have professional standards. 😁