Ouch! Everything Hurts!!

Yesterday I fell off the back porch like an elderly magpie trying to escape a wheelie bin.

One minute I was walking outside like a perfectly capable adult. The next? Gravity stepped in like an unpaid intern desperate to contribute. Down I went. Straight onto the ground with all the elegance of a dropped fridge.

Everything hurts.

Not in a dramatic “take me to hospital immediately” way. More in a “why does my elbow hurt when I blink?” kind of way. I’ve discovered muscles I didn’t even know existed. Even my hair feels bruised.

The worst part is the delay. You hit the ground and for three seconds you lie there thinking, “Maybe I’m fine.” Then your body starts sending official complaints to management one by one.

Knee? Ruined.
Hip? Furious.
Back? Filing paperwork.
Pride? Dead at the scene.

And so the first five minutes, I lied there and howled. I wanted to say to the Squeeze just cover me in dirt and leave me here!

And of course nobody falls normally anymore. There’s always some ridiculous flailing involved. I apparently attempted interpretive dance on the way down. If there’d been security footage, it would already be online with circus music behind it.

The Squeeze did that thing people do where they try not to laugh while also asking if you’re okay. Which somehow makes it worse. Don’t smirk at me while I’m folded into the garden like broken patio furniture.

Anyway, today I’m moving around the house like a haunted Victorian woman with a spinal condition. Every time I stand up, I make a noise that sounds like an old wooden ship.  But I have to move! There is so much to be done...

Aging is honestly just your body becoming increasingly committed to slapstick comedy.

I haven't even been through the paper yet which is when the real comedy begins!