Groundhogs Day

Weird.  I have spent 1.5 years on the same wheel.  I’m a mouse…  A hamster!  A furry rodent! WTF?

I used to be tough!  Mind you, I used to be slim too and those wheels have most certainly fallen off.

I’m bloated!  And it seems that everything else goes to hell in a hand basket.  Too fat to lean over and do a pedicure.  And if you think on it, what is the point of dressing up when everything looks like crap?

And then there is the sway on things.  Is this me in a funk, or me finally admitting to what I’ve known the entire time?

Reality is that I know my propensity for drama.  When I’m happy, I tend to rip down my life.  I don’t deliberately set out to self-destruct; it just kind of happens.  Upside is I lose weight, but surely dieting would be easier!

And I know I have to weigh it all up and make an informed decision.

But hell, when does it stop being ‘self-destruction’ and become ‘self-preservation’?

Something is missing with the Squeeze and for the life of me; I don’t know how to fix it.  I don’t even know if it can be fixed.  And at the end of the day, I’m not sure I want to be fixing something all the time – it’s beginning to be bloody hard work and when all is said and done, I have done the hard road!  More times than I care to admit.  I want something easy; to be in love and know that they love me.

We had a high level discussion this morning regarding a “what if”.  Say I got a job 1.5 hours from here – which is a possibility; I’ve a yearning to move to Torquay; be close to family – obtain a lifestyle you can’t get in Melbourne.  So he pipes up to say he would have to think about the impact on his life and family before deciding if he would move or not.

Personally, I’d have thought that titbit could have been announced prior to me applying and going off for an interview; but to each their own.

It’s not like we would be moving to the moon.  But it certainly would impact the harridan.  Her ability to call him at the first sign of the kid’s runny nose to tell him he is taking the day off work to baby sit (a fourteen year old…) would certainly be more difficult.  As would the “do this/do that” text messages.  I see that as a bonus for going.  He sees it as a minus – that he wouldn’t have as greater impact on his kids’ lives (be a slave).

For me, I kind of figure that ending things with me would have a far greater impact on his life than he expects it would but, we all make our own decisions.  Luckily we were walking in the sun as we had the discussion and my watery eyes were hidden behind my sunglasses – but hell, what do I have to do to move into the area of “important” to this person?  And when do I just give up trying?

In the end, I decided we would each just to do what is right for us. 

For me, I’ve put up with dating a whole family; complete with nagging wife – for far too long.  If I get offered the job; I’m taking it.  Aside from that, it is a fantastic opportunity.  And if what we have doesn’t mean enough to him to come with me, then I guess that is that. 

I did say there is no point in a long distance relationship.  I don’t want that and have no intention of living like that.  It’s bad enough now with the divorce, financial discussion and superannuation policy updating that was supposed to be done in February – that is still not done.  And to be honest, I’m getting sick of hearing my own voice telling him it has to be done.

I guess fate will take me where it will! 

Sisters Night

Yesterday I went off to Daylesford with my two sisters for the night.  My younger sister lives in the UK so we try to make sure we do the family thing; and often.

Yesterday, this consisted of an afternoon of tarot card readings, lunch, then champagne, hot stone massages, more champagne, dinner, more champagne and then some red wine. 

To start off the proceedings my sister called me when I was about .5 hour out of Daylesford.  I was on day two of a migraine and had consumed enough codeine to kill a small farm animal.  This actually makes you pretty dim witted but leaves the headache thumping along; point being you’re too dim witted to care that your head is thumping.  She noted the time and told me that my tarot appointment was fast approaching and I’d better ‘push it’.  I did.  Right up until the tyre blew out. 

Upside was that this happened just outside of town so I got to limp into the main street, the rubber basically on fire and billowing smoke.  Then I got to do the ‘helpless’ act.  Stand by the car; spare tyre on show for ten minutes until two gentlemen pulled over and offered to change my tyre.  Of course I was missing something, so off they went and came back with all the tools you could possibly need including a hydraulic jack. 

I stood by the car with my umbrella while they changed it, threw the pieces of the dead one in the boot and took off.

Then it was off for lunch, massage, champagne, more champagne and then out to dinner.

The rest of the family knows when a good night is in progress as weirdo text messages fly around (never sent from the owner of the phone of course).  Now, with progress and technology, this is even worse.  iPhone access meant my Facebook status said “I am a hermaphrodite”.   Proof of how expected this is within my family was my niece leaving a comment of: ‘left your phone unattended huh?’

The champagne and all meals were fantastic.  The place we stayed in was gorgeous with only the minor hiccup of the ipod docking station not working so the movies didn’t happen and we wasted about 2 hours with plugging and unplugging before finally giving up.

The tarot reading was interesting.  I think the velvet wearing psychic’s generally use a combination of intuition, the law of averages and pointed questions.  Palm reading meant touching rings which noted relationship state.  The month you were born gives an insight into star sign and therefore some personality traits of that sign.  Still, even with all that (he did guess wrong a few times), I still found it kind of interesting!  I’ve had it done quite a few times and never, not even once did one ever turn to me and say “your life is crap!”

So you cross their palm with silver, or in modern day terms, a visa card – and you get to feel good about the fantastic changes that are coming to your life!  Sounds worth it to me!

Although this morning we were lacking the verve of yesterday, we went out for breakfast so it couldn’t have been too bad. 

As for the squeeze; the tarot guy had that right I suspect.  ‘You have a strong, very good relationship that is here to stay.  You are the same.”

Great.  I’m a moodle…

Falling wheels…

Ok; I figured I’d point out from the outset that the Squeeze is still a moodle.  Hell, he is ‘moodle personified’ in all things, with all that it entails – including the circus music.  However, every so often he does seem to surprise me and make an off the cuff comment that goes totally outside the realms of ‘squeeze reality’.

I was being generous there.  It happens so rarely that I’m not actually giving it its due.  Instead of feeling my heart miss a beat and then quicken…  Instead of swooning and giving him a hug; I’m sitting there thinking ‘who the hell are you..?  And where have you stashed the moodle?’

There was nothing special going on this weekend.  We spent Friday night over my side of town which is always enjoyable (and clean).  Saturday night we were going to a party over his side of town so were to spend the night in ‘clean freak hell’.  This alone is enough to make me drag my feet so I suggested he pick me up which in fact gave the whole thing a kind of “date” night feel.

Benefit of this is when we got home to his house; the place wasn’t as clean-freakish as normal.  While I had spent the afternoon on my side of town, in bikie mode watching Sons of Anarchy; he had been cleaning; and it showed.

We had a good night out and got home in time to pj up and watch a show on television and then slink off to bed.  I awoke quite late and he was nowhere to be found.  That the car was in the drive and a wallet/phone on the table meant I could safely assume he had gone off to swim laps; either that or had been kidnapped (and they’d bring him back soon enough, so I wasn’t overly concerned.)

When he returned, he said, quite casually: “as I was walking back from the pool, I thought how lucky I am.” 

I was quite taken aback.  In fact, had to clarify that he meant he was lucky because he had me; was happy and things were going well!

On our way back to my side of town, he accused me of being a ‘time thief’; because it felt as though we had only just had breakfast.

I began to wonder if the wheels were falling off his ‘moodleness’.  Maybe he was going to actually turn out to be ok in the art of romance.  Perhaps he wasn’t as shallow as I figured.

Hmmm.  No.  I’m positive he will revert to form soon enough.

Bikie Tough - Grrrrr

Weird.  I’m totally hooked into the Sons of Anarchy at the moment. 

We are talking total macho crap with tattoo’s and Harleys.  Laws broken, wheeling and dealing, the odd murder.  The works.  The first few episodes I wasn’t quite sure, but by episode five, I was addicted to the point where I’m sitting there watching as I’m downloading more.  I was seriously considering watching another episode after I got up at 3am to check where I was at in download land. 

For those that may be shaking their head – I am watching the whole three seasons on eBay – so I’m not killing anyone.   It's about waiting, which in case you missed it - I'm not that good at.

Anyway, a hard man is good to find.  Give me one with a sense of humour, a code to follow and the strength to follow it through and I’m there.  Hell, throw in a nice bike and that is even better! (husband number one has about eight bikes – including four Harley’s).

So; sitting there watching it with my little Moodle last night – I wondered where it all went wrong…

Reneging - Promises come and go…

Well D Day came and went with no busy bee activity and the promises/agreements made in the Nut Doctor’s office; remain unfulfilled.

As you have probably figured out by now, I’m not often at a loss for words.  Yet strangely, I am.  I am sitting here submerged in uncertainty and inaction.  I’m uncertain if this whole “tomorrow” (never comes) thing is about wearing me down, utter laziness or just incapable of ending the marriage.  And I have no idea what to do about any of those scenarios anyhow.

If it’s about wearing me down, trust me; it’s working.  I’m not seeing wisdom coming with time; I’m seeing weary comes with time. 

Laziness?  Well he is most certainly that, yet can you be so lazy that you are willing to walk away from a pretty damned good relationship...?  Well if too lazy is the reason that nothing has been done, then I can only assume that ‘yes’.  You can be that lazy.

Then we have what is behind door number 3.  Ahhh the mysteries of true, never ending love (I could almost break into singing ‘sweet mysteries of life at last I’ve found you…’; but since I’m at work, I won’t).  

Ok.  So is this whole thing just about an inability to say goodbye?  Incapable of ending?  I’m pretty certain it’s not about going back – if so then forget about the problems with the dicky ticker…  He should seriously be looking at mental health issues because I’ve only ever met one wife that was a bigger nut case bitch than she is – my ex sister-in-law – wife to my older brother (Ahhh she is affectionately known as the ‘brown tooth slut’ in family discussions and as it happens, I am off to his wedding to the new wife (who is neither fat, nor does she have brown teeth!).  So no.  It can’t possibly be about wanting to keep that little tie there, the link, keep things together… Just in case.

I could never love anyone that freaking stupid, so I know that isn’t the case.

So we go around and around and around – and it all comes down to laziness..???  He has got to be kidding! 

Hey!  Moodle – shut down the wife and old life or get lost – because I’m seriously getting to the end of my patience!