Acquiesce!! To comply/agree passively...

I always end up acquiesce to the Squeezes hair brained schemes. I comply. Consent. Submit. Yield. Why do I do that! What makes it somehow worse, is he doesn't follow through so I end up feeling disappointed in some way! Stupid really, when you consider it wasn't what I wanted in the first place!

Years ago, I slid off the rails for a moment in time and went out with total dick.  Actually, he was a private eye, so dick by occupation, dick by nature; and let’s face it; you have to have a ‘creepy stalker’ gene to get such a gig.

I went to therapy during the five years we dated because I needed to find the root cause...   He really didn’t feature in my sessions as anything other than a shadowy representation of my love life to that point.  It wasn’t about him, or those before him.  It was about me.  I needed to understand what was inside me that kept dragging me back into unhealthy relationships.

Did I find the answer?  Not really.  I felt like I had come to an understanding; maybe.  In the end, what did that knowledge change?  Contrary to popular belief, you don’t suddenly discover the cause and from that moment on, you’re just skipping down the path of life, carefree and laughing. Well, if it is like that, it sure as hell wasn't for me!

No. I'm not about to end it all. I tell that story to set the scene. To explain what I'm like!

It is the evolution of care.

You meet someone and so begins the evolution.  “Friendship” moves into “hot”; “hot” morphs into a warmer “love”.  That “love” means you “care” a great deal about that person.  You want them to be happy; you go out of your way to ensure that happiness!  If they are not absolutely blissful, then you’re in serious trouble.  The relationship is floundering!

And therein lies my problem.  I evolved.  I morphed.  The Squeeze is still in the bloody same place. After years and years!

Clean Up Time - Again

I awoke to a messy, but silent house this morning.  The worst part was that I felt, along with the serenity, a measure of guilt, because I’m pretty sure that the Squeeze had a lot of running around to do this morning… I mean unlike the old days when it took him an hour to get to work across Melbourne through the never-ending traffic, now it takes him a leisurely 15-minute journey; and that's with stopping on the way to grab a coffee.

I came across the speech I wrote for my Dad’s 80^th birthday, which I sat and read and then proceeded to cry. I had written some damned funny lines in it, but still, it sucked. Worse still, with the writing I got stuck travelling down memory lane. I remembered just how much it sucked to be a teenager and it really hasn’t got much better as an adult. You are still at the mercy of everyone who has more than you.

More brains. More money. More everything.

It sucks really because I find, generally, they are the worst of humanity… Oh where is the alien invasion already! Something is coming… The end of the world. I don’t know why but I feel like something is coming. Something big. It maybe war; those Iranian leaders appear to want to wrestle. And maybe that’s it. Put Iran’s Supreme Leader and Trump in wresting gear and get them to fight it out! (Oh God… The image. My eyes!!)

But I got off on a tangent… Enjoying the little story in my head...

I’m not exactly flush with cash most of the time. My brains not what it once was (bloody brain damage) but it is a lot better. You can tell, I’m blogging again. I’m writing… I have my website up and working… But still, about 80% of the world is smarter than me and possibly richer.

Unless I win tattslotto; but that has never been a fabulous plan to wait for  :)

Brooding over life...

Okay, I haven't exactly been sitting awake all night and brooding about life, although it is 2.50 am here in Geelong and I’m still awake. I like the old brain damaged version of me better. The one that got into bed and was out like a light five seconds later! My brain was so busy working on itself that I didn’t have time to dream. I still don’t, which I miss. I used to have the most realistic, full technicolor dreams where upon awaking, I would think for the first ten minutes that it had really happened! Which is funny I guess, given I usually dreamed of vampires or some such thing.

I'm having a sleepless night where work (or the lack of) is spinning around in my head, which turns to God knows what.   I’m like Alice down the rabbit hole! Everything leads to nothing which leads to the fanciful. Boy, if I could map it out…

Then I update my Words With Friends with my sister who is sleepless in another town...  Then I sleep for what feels like 8.4 seconds before I'm awake again.  It's a vicious cycle that escalates stress as the clock ticks forward and the hours until my damned alarm goes off.

At least now I can switch it off and go back to sleep… Where upon my mind tosses and turns again!

At about 4 am, I checked email and discovered a comment on my blog.  I have no idea if I have a fan base that consists of more than my family and close friends.  I don't even think they read it; just follow.  I do average a good 150+ hits a night which sometimes astounds me.  If I fell on this website while surfing one night, I'd probably make a snap judgement about what a whiny little bitch I am. Although I'd like to think I'd delve a little deeper before snapping off a comment.

So, for reasons that I am unaware of, comments are pretty thin on the ground.  Granted, every so often I've defended myself swiftly and harshly, so those people have probably never ventured back; and if they have, they sure as Hell weren't going to open their mouths.  But hey, until you walk a mile in my shoes, it's oh so easy to see the world in a different way; and that is everyone, including the Squeeze. 

Gillian Welch and David Rawlings

Last night we went to see Gillian Welch and David Rawlings.

What a fantastic night! It was almost like a loungeroom gig; smooth. Laid back. Of course, the last song for the evening was Revelator, which I love... In fact, that was the whole reason I went. Suffice to say from here on in, I'm a fan.

I'm glad that I didn't. I have to admit, I almost said to the squeeze I'm exhausted. Can we wag and skip it. I was bloody tired. Can he see we are old? We should be home in bed on a Sunday night. Then I walked in and everyone was old! Older than me I expect...

Gillian Welch and David Rawlings

The Squeeze, damn him, got it right. I'd never heard of her until he started playing Revelator. Damned idiot. Why couldn't he keep playing his awful jazz?

I'm not talking Billie Holiday either.

Think every damned instrument vying for attention... screaming "look at me! look at me!"

Yep. That is closer to it...

It is a lazy Sunday!

This morning, I got to sleep in until I felt like getting up! I find it amazing that we just seem to settle into the new normal. Last year, and every year before that; I had work to go to. It was up, shower, makeup, breakfast and then a rush to get gone.

Now I don't.

Oh; I still get up and depending what is on, I may rush somewhere, but I can count on my hand how many times I've had to do makeup since I stopped work in November last year. And it is heaven...

Tonight, I will have to do makeup, but then just a sweep over my eyelashes with mascara. I'm still old fashioned. I'm not like the hordes of youth that have eyelashes so long they could sweep the world. Half of them look gunky; freaking ugly if you ask me.

I saw a cartoon as I passing by somewhere the other day. It was archeologists digging up people from today. I had to laugh. They were digging up skeletons with fake tits and fake lips; eyelashes... Hair. And I thought aren't these people ridiculous. In the pursuit of beauty, they become someone who isn't them.

So; life is good! For me.

Time away from home...

Today I'm going up to babysit my grandsons. They are 3 and 4. For me, it is a chance to spend time with them; play games... and spend the night.

My daughter and her guy are going to see Ed Sheeran tonight with my son and his wife. They are going out for dinner first and I'm assuming they'll have a wow of a time!

I'd rather be playing with the kids that go. Ed Sheeran is okay; but I don't think he's $250 worth! Perhaps because I'm getting old - but I don't think so. I love Lady Gaga so I'm "too old" just doesn't quite cut it!

The Moodle..? 

He is fending for himself tonight. And isn't he loving it! A chance to moodle around the house, not doing anything but rejoicing the fact that he's free!!

Expenses - Don't quite add UP!

I'll admit it. Only this once. I am as bad as he is... Well, getting bad. You see after the crap with the holiday to Vietnam, I sat and thought about all the ways I could prove what I spent. But it all seemed too hard! 

Yes, I've got bank details but in reality, I don't know who booked the flights. The other one would have just paid their half. The same with the hotel. During the holiday we paid cash for most things. I did and so did he. Surely, I could check what went into that account!

I'm more than tempted to go look and waste time gathering my information. And I will at some stage and just keep it up my sleeve for the next argument!

I'm sitting wondering what I would need to check on the bank when he comes out of the study. I realise that I'm the go to for when he is bored. So, he sauntered out into the kitchen and goes to the fridge (stands there looking with the fridge door open for about ten minutes) I look up and ignored the natural instinct to berate him and instead, ask him to grab a bottle of soda water out of the cupboard and put it in the fridge.

Anyone else would do as asked. Not him. Well, he did, but offering up a world of pain whilst he is doing it.

"That it my soda water" to which I sighed, "Don't be ridiculous." 

"You're a fucking liar. It's mine!" The Squeeze shouted! Quickly following it up with "why are we wasting fridge space on a bottle of champagne!" He was silenced with just one, withering look.

I didn't deign to answer that stupid question.

Not forgetting my roots...

Some people may be shocked that we live separate finances... I mean is it normal? To be together in every way except one way? The money. Bread. Finances... 

I feel completely comfortable with his clinging to money like it was a raft. Or I would if I won tattslotto :) Oh being able to lord it over him if I was a multi-millionaire! Who needs a dancing monkey! I have one!! Step right up to see the monkey dance!

Oh, I almost had a picture then. On one of those unicycles, with his face painted as a clown (not the creepy type either). Floppy shoes flapping in the wind...

But I digress. I was talking about going back to my roots. Dating a Hunchback, although we don't have the ex-wife trouble anymore, I still have the fact that he is a damned Moodle. I'm talking about his weird idiosyncrasies (of which there are many). I just want to sit him down and say fuck. Life's short. Possibly shorter for you if we don't come to some sort of agreement!

I suggested years ago that we should leave everything to each other (minus my plants because he is a lazy prick who wouldn't water them!) And my jewelry and stuff... The same with his clothes and stuff; I'd get his kids to come and see what they wanted. Hell, I'd probably get a mini skip for all of his shit! All his weirdo jazz collection! They'd love that. His book collection! (Even though he has a kindle and reads on that!)

We have the house, which would go to the six kids when we are both dead. I believe that. We are both, scrupulously honest.  And let's face it; that is a hell of a lot more than I got from my parents. Power to them I say! Spend it. Live well!

But our wills remain the same...

The Idiot that I live with...

Sometimes I'm in awe at the utter idiocy of that fool that I live with...

He likes to bend the truth in some way. Usually whatever makes him out to be the "can't live without/got to have" partner. And in reality, he is the "please live without/got to get rid of" partner.

Everything in our lives is separate. We go halves in everything. I wouldn't expect to go anywhere without paying for it. That is the way we began about twenty years ago; and we are still doing it.

He often forgets that this is the way we live, to the point of coming out with the odd fabulous one liner! e.g.: Our trip to Vietnam last year... He commented in passing yesterday that he paid for me. I thought; what the fuck? Where did all my money go then!!

So, I pointed out that I paid for my return flight. 

I paid half for the hotel we stayed in. 

I purchased food and drink, as did he. 

Doesn't that therefore mean, I went halves? 

He was silent. I still don't think I convinced him...  I'm just a free rider!

Because he thought it; it becomes the truth! He likes to invent stuff, in his mind. Whatever is more palatable to his sensibilities. So rather than I am paying for myself, he decides that he paid for me! Took me on an all expenses paid trip to Vietnam!! Out of the goodness of his little black heart!!!

Bloody idiot.

Roll on... Diet time again.

Maintaining a diet seems to the hardest part of being on one. 

Ok. I'm on the black seed oil as well, so that is clearing out my pipes so to speak! Judging from the gurgling and stuff, I'd say that's working...

It's all fantastic the first week or two. You are committed. You drop a few kilo so you are feeling slimmer. When you roll over in bed, there isn't as much to roll. You feel lighter in your step - quite simply because you are! Your clothes start fitting better without feeling like (and therefore looking like) a pig with string around its middle!

However, it is maintaining that level and keeping it up during month two and three.

I have been on a hundred diets. Literally hundreds! I've never found one I could stick too - until now. I'm doing the 16-8 diet. The Squeeze and I are both on it. We've been on it since about January 10. It's now February 20 so that is about 6 weeks. In those 6 weeks, I've lost about 6 kilo. Mostly, it has been good... Easy.

Occasionally we have days such as these, where we are going out for dinner so that makes it damned hard... To do it right, I'd have to not eat or even have a cup of coffee until dinner time! But that is only on nights we are out; and I figure after six weeks; we deserve a night off!

Why can't AI diet for me? It can do just about everything else!

2 kilo with Black Seed Oil

Black seed oil. It should be named something other than that... 

Deadly Oil. Gurgling stomach oil... Pain in the stomach oil! Still, that would seem to be a rather small sacrifice. I read it. I was warned; but it also said if you have any worms... Or anything like it... They go with the 2 kilo.

I didn't have anything like worms bobbing up to say 'goodbye' I flushed them. I almost wish that I did, that would explain a lot. That's why I went on it; the ad said that day 2, you are feeling lighter. Day 3 your joints are hurting less.

Ahhh my knees! Ankles!  

When I got an MRI done of my knees last year, they gave them to me to take to the doctors. My God, I almost fainted when I got a look at them. There were thousands of white wiggly things; my legs were covered in them! 

My doctor looked at said "they look fine" to which I; astounded, said what about all these white things!? He said they were my veins. I'm still dubious of that...

So black seed oil it is! 

And why would I?

Hair Growth
Increase hair density and thickness.
Metabolic and Weight Management
It can aid weight loss, reduce appetite, and decrease waist circumference. 
Antioxidant and Anti-inflammatory Effects
Contains thymoquinone, antioxidant that helps reduce stress and inflammation. 

Skin Health

It has anti-It has anti inflammatory properties that improve conditions like acne, eczema and psoriasis.

That's why...

While my guitar, gently weeps...

On the Squeeze's last birthday, I brought him a guitar. Now I don't know a whole lot about guitars; I was always partial to the piano when I was younger, which was beautiful. Still, I don't know a lot about guitars, but I love how they sound. You don't have to be a know it all, to be a connoisseur.

I have to say, I outdid myself this time around. 

Yes... We have got beautiful gifts previously. The music stand. The mandolin. My ring. Some downright extravagant. But this won the crown for best ever birthday gift.

It was a cream, Fender Stratocaster which I bought from a guy who had it mounted on his wall. I went to Melbourne for the day so coming home, I called him and asked him to help me bring the stuff in.

I pulled up, and walked down the driveway, opened the boot... The look on his face!

So, it went from one wall mount to another.

WFT? I've had it with her photo!

It never ceases to amaze me. The Squeeze, though he has clicked over to 71 years old now, occasionally doesn't realise what he is saying or doing. You would think after living with me he would walk on eggshells! It's funny if I have a knife in my hands and walk in the room; he flinches and jumps; I must say, it's a scream to watch! 

Maybe it is as simple that he does know, but gets a laugh from it... Exacting his little revenge...

He has been living here for six or seven blissful years now and we've bought the odd thing together, but unless it's a television; he is not interested. I had to really push for a new leather couch and some chairs! 

I bought this groovy thing for the kitchen. It has all our photos on there and some are beautiful ones of when I was young; or he was. And our kids are all little, no bigger than toddlers. 

We have beautiful pics fly past, from when we went to Santorini, or to Paris... Thailand and Vietnam. There are old pics on there also. Ones from overseas trips from years ago, seeing us smile. We are tanned, thin and a lot fewer wrinkles on the face. I believe at least once, I've seen one of my ex-husbands fly past.

But I digress...

My problem is that every time I walk into the kitchen, a photo of the Squeeze with his old girlfriend Dianne D zooms up. 

It is without fail. I bet if I walked in the kitchen now - there she'd be! And I scream, and he laughs.

But I always have the last laugh. 

When my mother was over here for lunch and saw the pic come up, she said "Is that your mother?", to which he just stared, and I laughed my arse off. 

So, I always say, "that pic of you and your mother comes up as soon as I walk in the room!!"

Oh Mandolin....

My musical genius is about three seconds away from having the mandolin I bought him for a birthday, snatched off him and broken across the back of his skull.  Why did I buy it for him?

Oh wait, now he has put the mandolin down and picked up a guitar…  Now this is just so much better.  When I bought the mandolin, I was thinking “Heart” type tunes flowing out of it.  Not so.  He hasn’t mastered it as yet.

The wall of guitars means (or should mean) that there is an expert in the house. Ahh not so. Although I like him strumming on a guitar...

He's not too bad on the guitar. He'd be a heap better if he had some lessons that sunk into his fat head! Maybe, when he retires, we'll be able to do stuff. Learn the guitar! Learn salsa dancing! Learn... anything.

Today is Sunday, last day off where we are supposed to enjoy! Relax!  I’ll be happy if I don’t actually get dressed for the day and instead, just slink in and out of bed to read; so, there is no point in actually getting dressed.

Help! He needs help!

Today we had our usual drama. Christmas number 4 - and that psychotic witch continues to disrupt the world according to normal, rational people.

In short; and the Jewel on the crown is that Harridan is dropping kid 3 off 2.5 hours after the lunch expected time frame/invite and sending bursts of text to the Squeeze to say this is what happens when he doesn't organise via her.  So glad she had the good sense not to cross the threshold...  Although that level of sheer audacity wouldn't have surprised me.

In reply to her abuse via text, I got fed up and replied "you need help".  Short.  Sharp.  Accurate.  To the point.

She replied that she was checking in to a 'facility' come end of January.  Frankly, I don't believe it but it obviously tugged at the Moodle's heart strings who then began an argument with me that I dared to send a reply from his phone - of course I made sure she knew it was from me so I'm not sure what all the fuss was about other than the fact that I called an kettle a kettle.

But once again, I'm the bad guy.   When does this idiot grow some testicles and just tell her that her reality will no longer played to?    Longer than I have to wait I suspect...   Why does she wreck everything; why does she dictate all meetings.  Why does her let her..?

Aren't I the one who just had his whole family to lunch - served at 3 pm due to her ridiculous games of "I don't know what's going on....  We are at Rye..."   Of course we don't want to deal with her; she is a raving nut job and we don't wan't to deal with it... seriously!

I am so sick of being the bad guy...  This woman could set him on fire and I'd be berated because I raised the fire extinguisher and put it out; because she was going to stifle the flames...   I'd ruined it all.

Over it.  Fed up with it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The idiot I live with can live an emasculated life without any joy - but with a shit load of "do this!!! NOW!!!!!"   And I seriously won't care.  His problem.  But all "lunches/days/parties/organisation" is off from this side of the planet!

Stupidity - they name is Man

For anyone that actually reads my blog, you should note that I am about to slink off to the beach for three weeks.

Camping.

Yes.  You heard me.  Camping.

Think bugs.  Probably snakes.  No power.  No laptop.  Zip other than my iphone and although I dare say I could leave the odd comment on my blog to signal that I’m still alive, I doubt I’ll waffle on as I usually do.  If you an avid reader over your morning coffee; have no fear, I will return.  Or at least I’m not anticipating ending up in a shallow grave at the Prom, but who know what he has in store for me!

Now.  Camping…  I used to have a fantastic theory on holidays.  Sadly, this appears to have gone out the window since the squeeze came on the scene.  (Along with romance)  When holidaying – don’t go anywhere you can’t wear high heels (or thongs)

That doesn’t mean you have to wear them, it’s more about luxury level.  Holiday luxury level should encompass huge beds; floating your lilo over to the bar; drinks with little umbrellas; dining out; romantic dresses and high heels!

I’m really not seeing a requirement for any of those things at the beach - CAMPING!!  Hell, I haven’t even packed any heels.  If annoyed with the squeeze, I’ll have to show my displeasure in a different way it would seem.  That’s alright.  I can be creative.

Strangely, I’m quite looking forward to three weeks away.  I have a bag of books; and plan to totally relax.  No computer, but even better…  No television.

Hell.  What will the squeeze do..?  How will he exist???  He may have to spend the nights in; ‘gulp’; conversation!

Now this ought to be fun.

The big 40

I can't believe we are planning another 40th. Our kid is turning 40!! And to make matters worse, we've already had two of them birthdays. Both our sons turned 40 last year!

My daughter wants to have her 40th in Thailand. It's not until next year giving everyone some saving time but looking at where we are going to stay makes me want to go now!

I loved Thailand. It was the best holiday! Better than Vietnam - which isn't Vietnam's fault; the weather last year was abysmal! When I say it was raining so we couldn't really go and see anything, I mean it was slanting, pouring... You couldn't see two feet in front of you. 

We went one day to get pick some clothes up we had made. They next day, she sent us a pic of her... In a boat going down the main street! It was pretty awful.

I got sick... As a dog, (which was good for the diet, not much else).

But Thailand! It was gorgeous weather. Swimming every day. We had to decide to walk the ten feet to the pool; or ten feet to the beach! Of course, the pool usually won out (it had a bar in the center of it...)

We are trying to decide if we go back... The Squeeze had to go back in April/May to get his teeth done; I just have to decide if I want to go. He said 'we may take a quick trip to Thailand...) as a sweetener.

Do I stay at home by myself (with 4 cats and a dog) but by myself...

Or do I go and see what it's like minus the torrential rains!

Oooo I forgot....

Yes. I forgot to blog. I have brain damage so be gentle with me!

Ok. Where was I? Well the sun has gone today, you can't even see it above the blanket of cloud. It is cold actually. 24 degrees Celsius. Brrrr! When you consider that last week, we had one day in the 40's! And judging by the BOM (which is incredibly wrong most of the time) we don't get another day in the 30's until next week.

So, the weather is done...

The weekend went by and we had a houseful. My son and girl, and their two kids. Maia... My god what a beauty! 

We went to my sisters for lunch and we had John's brisket... Done in the smoker for about 12 hours. It was beautiful and sunny; in fact, I got sunburned from being in the pool. Amazing what an afternoon in the sun does for you. I drank a bottle of champagne so rolled on home about 4.30pm.

And the whole time I was out, smiling, having fun... I kept thinking about writing. Go figure!

Gardening in the sun...

That's what I should be doing... Instead, I'm inside, writing. Only pausing to break when I have to. 

This morning, I had to go and see a specialist at Epworth Hospital, in Geelong. I can say that is the best hospital I've seen, and I've seen a few with 27 brain operations. But wow, this place is fantastic! But I regress...

So, I had 2 hours off going to the specialist, saying the weird 'it's as though I'm drunk.' And I haven't had alcohol in a week, and then only a stubby because it was bloody hot! 

I fall down. A lot. I fell down, face first while walking the dog at the cemetery! I told my partner in between tears of self-pity to just cover me in dirt and leave me there. He was shaking with laughter (bastard) when he saw I was okay and helped me up.

The doctor worked out in about ten minutes that I'm having too much Gabapentin, so I have reduce that. If I don't, I'll continue to walk like a drunk... Which personally, I think is better that the nonstop pain! I said to him the pain is manageable now... Unlike when I came last time you were my last hope. I was going to kill myself if he couldn't alleviate it. 

And he alleviated it! Now he wants to take that away? Hmmm I'll have to think about that!

So... as soon as I got back here, I made a cup of coffee and sat to write... 

The Squeeze is at work - where all good men should be!

A job? What the hell is that?

Well I could say I'm worried about being jobless. (woe is me! putting my hand to my brow)...  But the reality is that walking out of my job, still with 3.8 years of work to go until retirement may have been the best decision for me! I only realised upon leaving how much I hated it. How they had stripped my confidence!

Oh don't worry, money will be tight. It will get a hell of a lot tighter I'd say; but aside from the money, I'm happy! Happier than I've been in months.

My garden looks divine. My house is in great shape and I'm writing again. 

It hasn't been easy. I don't think I've put pen to paper (or in this case, fingers to keyboard) for a whole lot of years but now that I'm back into it, I wonder how I ever existed without it!

It's as if I'm telling a story out of my head - and I'm reading it!

Annoyingly we're off to the Vic Market today to meet our kids and shop! I love them really, but writing has me again and I just think 'get out of my way and let me work!'

Wonder if it will last!

It's now nighttime.

I went to the Vic Market and shut up about time wasted on the way. I just drove.

It ended up a fantastic day! We met friends who all congregate there. My son came (flying the flag as he was the only one of our kid's there) and his wife. I got to hold my granddaughter - (who is gorgeous!) She has the bluest eyes and the best lashes!

How's those for eye lashes!

Back on the Unemployed List!

I started work about four years ago for Barwon Health in the department of SWARH. Although I didn't love going to work (I saw my time as a lady of leisure, which doesn't really work if you're penny pinching!) but I liked it well enough and figured I only have another 3 years until I can be old and pension myself off.

My boss exited stage left and a shoe salesman came to take his place...  That just happened to live up the road from the CEO and they used to walk their dogs together (how cute)  We weren't getting rid of him anytime soon. I worked mainly with five others, two got out immediately when they could but they are young, The three of us left, well we are older - it's not so easy to find work then!

A new guy started who came an introduced himself... And told me he was there to do my job. WTF!!!!